Anxiety after a fall is making horse riding miserable again

[Moaning5]

My anxiety is ruining everything!

I have a long break from horses and spent literally years desperate to get back into it (ie/no little kids and some disposable income !).

I have had a bad fall off a horse 3 years ago which I know is largely responsible for my state of mind now.

I have one lovely gelding who I spend a lot of time, money, and energy on but the stress I feel and the anxiety is just ruining it all.
I went to a show at the weekend and was crying on the motorway. Every aspect of the weekend was me overthinking what would happen once I got on.
I had therapy earlier in the year when I literally couldnt ask for canter and it did help a lot. Should I have more ? Do people do this regularly? I feel like such a fool and I need to give up and put the resources into my family as it’s clearly being wasted making myself miserable!
I also feel I can no longer offload to freinds/trainer as they are probably sick of it and just say I’ll be fine. Which I know I won’t be !

Should you go back to basics and try just the usual steps to riding confidently . Although 3 years is a long time to feel like this . It's a lot of money to waste on livery , etc . And I imagine the gelding could do with more exercise than you are able to provide .

What are you happy doing with your horse or does even walk and trot make you anxious ? If you are happy in walk and trot and get enjoyment out of that just stick to that . Do some pole work at those paces , go to clinics and opt out of anything you aren’t comfortable doing . If everything about riding makes you anxious then stop and make the decision of whether you keep your horse as a giant pet or not . Life is too short to be miserable and anxious .

I've had my boy for years now, the first maybe 5 years I came off a lot (young ex racer and first time owner), I was frequently scared to ride him and often I'd avoid cantering altogether for weeks! An understanding trainer was essential - she kept me going through the bad times. Another massive help was a 'oh crap strap', attached to my saddle d rings - if he was on one I would wrap a couple of fingers under it (or hang on to it for dear life - depending on the situation!) and I could anchor myself and sit deeper in the saddle without him feeling anything tightening on his neck or the reins. That £10 strap has saved my life more times than I can count and it also gave me more confidence to get my leg on and ride him through his moments because I was harder to dislodge! I also have learnt what situations and environments can set him off - and I avoid those - so group stuff and competing - I no longer do - neither of us enjoyed them - he'd get excited and I'd get scared - and competing is expensive. We have lessons, do schooling and hacking, he's even helped teach my 12 yr old niece to ride. In your case OP - if its more you than the horse - just take the pressure of yourself - get your confidence back at home before adding the stress of competing.

Would you feel safer wearing a hit air jacket.You attach it to your saddle and as soon as it detaches the gas canisters inflate the jacket like an airbag so you’ve got maximum protection. I can personally vouch for it as I forgot to unclip it when I got off.

I got back into riding 4 years ago and was crazy for a while. Then I went to a little jumping show, fell when the horse took off too early and my stupid white jods werent sticky and ended up being taken in an ambulance to hospital. Luckily nothing broken but huge hematoma in my hip and took months to recover.

My DH asked me not to jump (or hunt) again but wasnt foolish enough to ask me not to ride!

I still get nervous 6 months on. Took me a long time to canter on my own again or go in a school. Came across a fallen log on a hack and my boy was very good and walked over it when I asked him.

I am however very happy doing hacks. My tbx is a bit spooky and a bit of a pillock but generally responds to aids.

I think you need a good instructor and to work slowly. Get a quieter horse if you need one and don't push yourself to do more than you are ready for.

Also I'm gonna try the previous poster's "oh crap strap" idea too!!

My friend tried cantering into a corner as it’s harder for them to piss off or spook.Also cantering on the lunge helps.

I feel for you OP. I absolutely used to LOVE riding. I am an instinctive, experienced (rodden for 40 odd years) but not technically flash. I adore horses.

I decided a few years ago to try more advanced lessons - dressage and it just ruined it for me. I was all thumbs, the horse fought me, the instructor was frustrated with me and I got off after one really tough lesson and literally never went back.

Its been quite a few years now and I have accepted that for this age and stage I like the idea more than the actual riding. I was very sad for a while - but cut myself some slack.

Is it possible you just need to give it a little break?

Look up Jane Savoie 'Freedom from Fear'. I have a set of dvds and cds which were very helpful when I had a wobble. She has a Facebook page too according to Google.

I second the 'oh shit' strap. Excellent use of the lower flash noseband strap - attach it to the D rings on your saddle.

Even better is the RS-Tor strap.

Here is the link
https://www.redpostequestrian.co.uk/saddlery-tack/tack-accessories/libbys-rs-tor-rider-security-aid--black__151577

I’ve done a lot of instructing in my time, my advise would be as follows

Firstly it is absolutely ok to not ride, with more nervous clients I think alot of ground work and reassuring them that their horse is listening is important. It’s also fun and good engaging brain work for the horse.

Kit up as much as you need, body protector. Safety stirrups, oh -s* straps, whatever you want.

Do you want to be led? Absolutely fine.

What do you feel safe doing, start with that and then push yourself slightly, walk and trot in the school? Add half a circle of canter, or even just a canter transition, few strides and back. Do you feel safe walk hacking? Do that and commit to 10 strides of trot. That sort of thing. If it’s more an out and about thing (ie shows/XC schooling) where you get nervous could you take someone with you, step down a level etc?

Thanks so much for your kind replies.

Im competitive at national level shows. I get on and somehow manage to ride. I feel
sick and just want to get off and go home,
I get good results. I’m flooded with relief afterwards I decide it’s actually fine and enter something else. I then spend weeks worrying to the point of tears.
I have a lot of help in terms of a trainer.
My horse is young but fairly steady.
I don’t know what is making me like this.

You've not mentioned your age, but I found that when I was mid forties my confidence definitely started to wane, and I'd overthink everything, so put off riding, but as a rule once on would really enjoy it. I've been told that overthinking and worrying about anything risky is very common around this age, and if you found the therapy helped before, it's definitely worth a go again.
Have a good think about what you do enjoy doing, and what you don't - in my head I'd love to go out competing, but the reality of it is it's just too much hard work and anxiety, so am far happier hacking out, and occasionally popping a few small jumps in the field, then grooming for my daughter when she competes.
I also think I'm a far better rider in my head than in reality, so competing would make me face this head on 😁and I'm happier to believe I could have been olympic standard if I'd had the opportunity / horses / money / time etc, rather than admit 90 is my limit for the majority of the time (and often that gives me palpitations)

Based on what you said, I'd really recommend the Jane Savoie series. It's like it's own little therapy course. You're obviously capable if you're competing at that level so it's a psychological barrier really.

Hage a good think about whether you really want to be competitive though. You don't have to do it, however lovely your horse is.

The groundwork is a good suggestion too. Something like The Power Of Walk has a lot of scope to reconnect you with your horse.
https://www.thepowerofwalk.com/

Ok so not terrified so that’s good!

Not sure what discipline you’re doing but would you feel the same if you were showing in hand or competing at RC level for a bit? Would someone showing your horse for you help.

I wrote a blog post a few years ago on anxiety and horse-riding. Happy to post it if it might help.

Yes please 😁

I’ll have a look at the power of walk link thanks so much.

Im 40’s and have looked into peri symptoms !

https://www.outofchaostherapy.com/post/nervous-here-s-why-and-what-you-can-do-about-it