Hellish day, just need to vent, no-one to talk to IRL

[fatcheeks1]

Hi, feel this would be a safe place to get some perspective on this.

I am on supply in a local Primary school.It's a failing school.Up until today I was working with small groups providing much needed support (interventions) in speech and language/fine motor skills and number.I work in reception/nursery.I was also covering phase leader's class and NQT's class in reception .It was all going well, until I took over one of the classes belonging to a reception teacher today.She went off sick early, I was due to cover for her in a couple of weeks as she had time booked for an operation/recovery.These 2 weeks were meant to be transitional where she discussed the class with me/their needs, where she was with assessments, what they had covered in phonics etc.I couldn't find any planning, I couldn't find their writing books I couldn't find anything.I didn't know where they were with phonics(all 3 classes are at different stages) so I made do, I didn't have a plan as such I tried to do an assessment type thing on their writing and knowledge of writing simple vc and cvc words, then making up and model writing a sentence.
The head came down and was there for it all, I wanted to cry.They couldn't find their books so I gave them whiteboards, they weren't following instructions, they weren't even trying really.She was busy scribbling away.I couldn't find any resources(the class is a mess) I couldn't find what they had done before.I must have looked so ill prepared, I was but it wasn't from lack of trying.I came in early to look for things and next thing, they were coming in and she was there, looming large as life.I was crap, I know I was crap, I need to speak to her but am sooooo embarrased I don't know what to say.No new learning took place other than perhaps modelling a sentence and talking about capital letters etc but they should know all of that.I know the class, well their names but I don't know their needs.
It was awful , truly awful, the behaviour was o.k, they are just fussy, they were just. . . passive:>(
I didn't talk to them about what they could do and why as I was panicing.I should have been more prepared. . what's the saying. . ."fail to prepare. . . " I knew Friday I was taking the class but was so busy taking another class that by the time I had finished clearing up etc it was way past my time to go(I have family) I just thought there would be stuff in the classroom for me, or some plans on file but there wasn't.

I am sitting here feeling wretched, I don't want to go in tomorrow but I know I have to.I also know I need to speak to her but I don't know where to begin. . .any advice? I have brought home 2 large bags of paper crap from the class to try and sort out tonight.That's without my planning for tomorrow :>(

Sorry this is so long, DH doesn't understand, no-one does, I just feel overwhelmed.

How did it go fat cheeks?

Are you cracking open the champers right now? Tell us pleaseeeeeeee!

You are all going to hate me and think I am absolutely mad. . . .but I'm staying. . . for a bit.I know, I know but after a long, hard talk with DH, he has talked me into staying.The latest on the returning teacher is that she is meant to be coming back the week after we come back, that is something.I did really want to go but DH knows me and knows that I will want the chance to just hand over and then I will feel as if I have done my job.There are a lot of changes happening and I am trying to view all of these with a different head.I need to come at this differently.This break is very much needed for lots of reasons.The head (bizarrely) still thinks I'm great but that doesn't mean anything to me professionally as I feel she is losing the plot.
My teaching mate is going which made me want to leave even more.I am distancing myself from it all gradually.Going back after Easter with all of the changes will feel like a different job I know.
Thank you for all of your support and advice, I know I haven't heeded it but it has really helped me in thinking things through at different stages of this job.
I didn't have a drink last night although I really wanted one.I took my son out for tea at a local cafe and a catch up, then promptly fell asleep on the sofa.I have had 12 hrs, uninterrupted sleep which I obviously needed.I have a few, really nice things lined up for hols and I'm just going to rest.

I know exactly what you mean fat cheeks. I have been in a similar position and I, like you, decided I was going to leave.

And then changed my mind. But I think because I had decided to leave, it was like I was telling myself I could leave if I wanted and wasn't trapped there.

Ended up staying and things changed for the better. Hope they do for you too x

Thank you penguinbear.I feel a bit foolish for posting an update after deciding I was going to go.I'm not hoping for things to get better, although that would be good, just to survive.

You have to do what is right for you and feeling that you are doing the right thing is part of that. Have you decided how long you are going to stay for? Will the lesson observations continue as frequently? How did you find out that the head thinks you're great? I don't envy a head in her position and I think that role could easily make you lose the plot.

No one is going to hate you on here for making your own mind up, we will all be stuffed if we start bullying each other as well as being stomped on from above.
As long as you understand that the choice is yours, you aren't trapped and that there are alternatives you can take, then you will keep your sanity and balance. You make the decisions.

She told me breatheslowly.She was really nice to me, saying she had heard that I hadn't been well and hadn't realised how unwell I'd been feeling.She also said that she had heard such great things about me and has seen good practice for herself and feels that the class are a lot more settled and learning.This didn't make me feel like staying.I'm not sure about the other stuff but I do know we are being moderated in May.

You're right Goblinchild, the choice is mine and there are alternatives.Talking to the full timers does make me realise this.

Hi, No i can completely understand your decision. It's hard to leave a school and most of us want to see the term through if at all possible.

Keep posting and keep looking after your health Think that everyone here just wishes you well rather than trying to talk you into decisions. Have a great Easter holiday

I completely agree with Goblinchild. Have a great break - and really do take a break.

Make the most of the holidays, I understand to complete the job and handover. Make sure that you step back and pass over the bulk of the work as quickly as possible and go back to doing the job you are paid to do!

fatcheeks there will always be us and downs in this job and everyone feels at times that they have had enough. But sometimes a break helps us to see things differently and realise what really matters to us. Enjoy the holiday, you will feel refreshed and ready.

I do feel oddly different having made a decision and changing it.Talking to the contracted staff on the last day made me realise how easy I could escape and that did feel empowering.I have been living for this break and intend to make the most of it, really I do.I need to reconnect with my kids and my DH who has felt like a stranger to me.I have missed just chatting to him, I will appreciate the most simplest of things.

I Know Guggenheim, I have always felt a great interest and genuine concern and warmth from you all on here, it's a great community and feels like a safe place to come to.

Well done for everything you have managed to do- not easy in the current 'Govian' times. FWIW I've always loved teaching and got on well but I'm finding it a huge challenge now . In my heart I'm on the look out for a fab school with lovely HT & SLT - maybe once the bollox with observation overload has disappeared that could happen.

Do keep posting- I really am interested and it's good to spot a few other supply teachers out there.

May the Easter bunny bring you much chocolate and a big rest.

Thanks :>) I'm currently tackling the mountain of dirty clothes that have built up at the top of the stairs, the basket can't take them all.I have managed to fill 3 smallish bin bags, one full of dirty hot wash clothes, one for woolies and one for medium wash clothes and I'm still going.I'm on my 3rd wash cycle but I don't mind.Tomorrow I'm taking DD out to Highbury & Islington to meet up with some of the lovely ladies I work with to have a late lunch in a Turkish bistro type place and do a spot of shopping, then on Tues I'm taking DD to see a matinee performance of the Woman in Black at Covent Garden and we're going to combine that with a look round the market stalls, so I'm really happy about that.I just need to think of something to do with DS (11) , pictures possibly and eating out, he loves eating out LOL:>) Friday we are away as a family camping til Sunday so my 1st week off is pretty full so far and not a sniff of anything work related and I intend to keep it that way!