Hellish day, just need to vent, no-one to talk to IRL

[fatcheeks1]

Hi, feel this would be a safe place to get some perspective on this.

I am on supply in a local Primary school.It's a failing school.Up until today I was working with small groups providing much needed support (interventions) in speech and language/fine motor skills and number.I work in reception/nursery.I was also covering phase leader's class and NQT's class in reception .It was all going well, until I took over one of the classes belonging to a reception teacher today.She went off sick early, I was due to cover for her in a couple of weeks as she had time booked for an operation/recovery.These 2 weeks were meant to be transitional where she discussed the class with me/their needs, where she was with assessments, what they had covered in phonics etc.I couldn't find any planning, I couldn't find their writing books I couldn't find anything.I didn't know where they were with phonics(all 3 classes are at different stages) so I made do, I didn't have a plan as such I tried to do an assessment type thing on their writing and knowledge of writing simple vc and cvc words, then making up and model writing a sentence.
The head came down and was there for it all, I wanted to cry.They couldn't find their books so I gave them whiteboards, they weren't following instructions, they weren't even trying really.She was busy scribbling away.I couldn't find any resources(the class is a mess) I couldn't find what they had done before.I must have looked so ill prepared, I was but it wasn't from lack of trying.I came in early to look for things and next thing, they were coming in and she was there, looming large as life.I was crap, I know I was crap, I need to speak to her but am sooooo embarrased I don't know what to say.No new learning took place other than perhaps modelling a sentence and talking about capital letters etc but they should know all of that.I know the class, well their names but I don't know their needs.
It was awful , truly awful, the behaviour was o.k, they are just fussy, they were just. . . passive:>(
I didn't talk to them about what they could do and why as I was panicing.I should have been more prepared. . what's the saying. . ."fail to prepare. . . " I knew Friday I was taking the class but was so busy taking another class that by the time I had finished clearing up etc it was way past my time to go(I have family) I just thought there would be stuff in the classroom for me, or some plans on file but there wasn't.

I am sitting here feeling wretched, I don't want to go in tomorrow but I know I have to.I also know I need to speak to her but I don't know where to begin. . .any advice? I have brought home 2 large bags of paper crap from the class to try and sort out tonight.That's without my planning for tomorrow :>(

Sorry this is so long, DH doesn't understand, no-one does, I just feel overwhelmed.

The deputy (who used to like me but now I'm just a doo, doo under her shoe like everyone else) was reading my display board the other night and I said to her "that's my failed assembly" (pointing to their work) "and there's photo's of when we went to the park" .She was in my assembly and had to nag the parents to sign up for the park trip as again, our class didn't have enough.She just laughed and did this funny sneer :>).

Yes, I am thinking of going back to one I was with before.They do PAYE not this umbrella shennanigans!It's local work but at a lower rate (sometimes) but they do try to give me what I want and listen to me.I like the girls there.

I really think I would tell the current school and agency where to stick it, they have been awful.

If you are too sick to be in work next week - do not go, do not compromise your health further for a 20 minute ofsted thingy pop-in. Do your prep for it and email it in and let them get on with it.

DH had vit D deficiency detected by his blood test results, felt much better once it was sorted.

Thanks RM, I'm just going to play it by ear :>) At the moment I feel awful, one minute sweating next all shivery.It hurts to breathe, hurts even more when I cough.I will be taking it easy, once I've taken my daughter to get her hair cut.

You had better, you don't want to end up in hospital!!!

Well it depends what's causing it, but in my case they're not exactly sure why but I had vit d deficiency so bad that my hyperthyroid went kind of crazy at trying to stabilize calcium levels that my body was leaching calcium from my bones. Kind of body destroying itself once it got into that cycle.

Scary stuff BUT was stabilized by taking v high dose Colecaliferol 20,000 units a week. Was a three month treatment, then blood tests, it came back the next year so repeated treatment again.

Took about 6 weeks each time until I realised quite how poorly I'd felt, when the muscle pain, fatigue and weakness had lifted.

I also know someone who had similiar but the cause was her hypothyroid gland, so she had an op to take it out on one side of her neck. She was v scared but went really well, tiny cut and healed very well. She said symptoms were much worse than the actual operation.

For some reason GPs aren't great at taking this vit d stuff seriously (oh just get some sun type of attitude, which wouldn't have helped esp when its got very bad), so you need to keep pushing your consultant.

Honestly fatcheeks if it hurts to breathe then think how it will be teaching tomorrow. Yr talk ALL the time!

Hope you feel better soon

I'd have thought the whole point of supply was that you are not compelled to put yourself through this. Sounds like you are getting all the pain of a permanent role without any of the perks. I'd move on.

Hi blackcoffee, I've been talking to another colleague about this , just this weekend.She is also supply, but younger, healthier, more resielient LOL:>) We have come to the same conclusion, we are mugs, basically, hearts in the right place but mugs all the same.
I have my PP meeting week after next.I realise they won't have made as much progress as expected, I'm dreading it.I'm trying to get as much tangible stuff together as possible but yeah, isn't this exactly why I left my full-time job with its benefits last year to do supply with what I thought would be it's benefits? I've just been sucked into the school, totally, and all of the sh*te that that entails but as others have said I'm not on a contract , I'm not permanant, I don't even sign in on the 'proper' staff register inside the school, I'm still signing in outside in the reception area FFS, that's how much they think of me!
My husband can't believe how much I am doing/have done.Today I have just shut down totally, if they say anything to me I will just tell them.They either have me in school working at about 60% optimal health or I'm not in as I've been slogging my guts out and I can't do it.
Seriously, I have never been so ill.This feels like it has been going on for weeks.No-one in school will care, why should they, no-one owes me anything, I just owe myself and I really need to look after myself.
I am 47, that is no age to feel like this, I am allowing this job to do this to me and for what? Every Ob I have had has been an RI (at this school), I will get an RI, if asked for on my reference, I get that!

The whole reception unit is an RI incidentally, and the phase leader was an outstanding teacher just last year and my close colleague is exeptional (I feel)but we are all getting RI's.
It just gets to you, this will go on my next reference and depending on which agencies I try and work with , I can't be put forward for cover in certain schools as I'm not good enough, it sucks.

Hey there,you sound done in you poor thing!

I think you will get a fab reference. I don't even know if the RI would be mentioned and so what if it is? There are plenty of good teachers who have run the govey helter skelter from outstanding to inadequate through to fabbo again. Yawn!

Come to think about it, lots of great schools are suddenly RI where they were good/otstanding/alright/in the middle of the road etc etc.

At your next interview you can explain the circumstances and how you coped which is far more interesting than a snapshot judgement!

Thanks guggenheim, I am.
Phoned drs today to make an appointment to talk about latest blood test results and how I am feeling generally.Can't see anyone any earlier than Weds night.She did say my bloods were fine so now I'm really confused.If I'm not Vit D deficient than what am I and why have I been feeling so rough for so long and why do I ache all over? Good news is I haven't lost my voice yet, as have obs tom morning and my chest is not so tight.I do still feel rubbish but but not as rubbish asI did on Saturday, now that was a really bad day.

My vit D levels are ok apparently as is my blood pressure which I'm really pleased about.He was thinking I might have diabetes but everything there is fine also.I have Anti-B's for my chest infection and he just said my body is tired fighting the infection.It might be, it probably is more tired but I was tired before I had this.I will take these, have a rest at Easter and hope I get my normal energy levels back:>).If I don't I'll have to go back.

I don't feel my observation went particularly well on Tuesday.They never seem to lately as I suffer badly with nerves.She wasn't that smiley, she only looked at the kids a bit, she wrote a lot, I don't find out til tomorrow(that's a long time to wait) I had 1 child who was adding , not taking away each time, but I addressed that and supported her.I had 1 child on their knees, another calling out, general squirming , they weren't fully engaged but it didn't help that we were having a dress up day (I know!!!!)so they were faffing about with clothing and hats:>(. They are not very good in talk partners, I tried it, it failed to a degree, I think I went over the time, the pace I think wasn't snappy enough, all RI elements.I will be very, very, very surprised if she loved it, very surprised!

Dr said I have to look after my health as that's the most important(it is) He asked me how old I was(47) He said that is no age to be feeling like this, over time.I agreed with him.He said I should look for another job! I agreed:>(.

fatcheeks I agree with your Dr. As for obs. what a crock of shit that is!
If you were given encouragement,direct modelling from SLT and some helpful support then there would be no need for these pointless graded observations. They don't reflect your classroom practise at all.

I can remember the days when headteachers used observations to help you. Another way of looking at this is to remember that observations are pretty subjective. I worked with excellent teachers who were outstanding in one obs. RI in another etc etc. 'tis all a load of shit.

Are you in a union? (had to correct that from onion!) Think you need to contact them and just get some advise.

Been entering the Spring Data, she has really , really ballsed it up in a lot of areas, I was like "what the actual ????".Still haven't finished , not sure when deadline is but I don't think I'll be meeting it! I will speak to the deputy this morning.This is the 1st time at this school I have done this, it's taking ages, I'm probably doing it wrong LOL:>) I'M ONLY SUPPLY!!!!! What on earth am I doing???
Happy Friday everyone :>)

Hope the lesson observation feedback went okay xx

Hope you're feeling ok fatcheeks, don't want to alarm you but, I am leaving next week and have just been toldthat I need to write the reports.

The lesson observation feedback couldn't have gone worse, I got an Inadequate and I'm gutted.I don't really know where to go from here.She said they didn't make enough progress, they were sitting for too long, it was awful.I was awful, I AM awful apparently.I was shellshocked, embarrased, felt humiliated.I held it together til lunchtime, then I spoke to my husband and I broke down when he said "inadequate, that's really bad isn't it?, you can't get any worse than that".He didn't mean it to come out like that but he was right.
I was responsible for planning that lesson.I thought it was ok , obviously it wasn't.I still can't get my head around it all, I do think I need to get out of teaching, not as a kneejerk reaction , just because I don't think I am good enough.I try really hard, really, really hard.

Hang on- this school has not supported you in any way. Have they given you training? Have they given you release time to visit and observe other teachers? Bet they bloody haven't!

Right, call your union tomorrow. You are being treated in an appalling manner. You are supply and they can call in another supply for monday or for after Easter. Actually they can fuck off to the far side of fuck for that one!

Go to your dr first thing on monday and see what she/he says. Please call your union and ask for some help. Bollox to them.

What's the point of being in supply if you are getting all the stress and horror of being a FT class teacher, including evaluations and observations and all the rest of the crap?
I'm on supply, I won't take anything longer than two weeks, or one day a week regularly, or PPA cover. Having fought my way out of the tar pit, why would I jump back in? I'd be dead before I got to retire.
I'd rather live on beans on toast and water and be able to sleep an entire night without a panic attack.
Get out before you are eaten alive.

Thank you Goblinchild, you are right, you are so , so right.
I'm not built for this sht , really I'm not.As soon as I got in the car after school I broke down and I spent the entire journey home howling.I am so, so embarrased.I am a teacher, what else can I do? I work with this young, vibrant NQT, she said the most she has learnt has been since I've been there.She said before I came their PPA was dry she said I have come in with so many ideas and now she looks forward to our planning sessions.She is very sweet.My daughter (15) tried to help but only you lot on here know the score, know how deeply this will be hurting me.I'm an idiot, an absolute idiot as I'm bl*dy crying now just thinking about it.I keep getting flashbacks of the Headteachers face as she said "well actually it was inadequate" This will bring the whole 3 reception classes down we will be talking about this in our phase meetings, o'h the shame:>(

Seriously, you are not inadequate, you are overloaded and crumbling under the strain.
You have reached the point that many of us have, where we know what good teaching is, and what a good teacher should be like but you don't know what 'Good to outstanding' looks like in an observed lesson because there are 42 variables to panic about and everything is essential. No positives, only a kicking for each and every new thing you forgot, or could have done according to Gove.
Leave ASAP, go back to doing ST supply and doing it well. Go back to the essence of what you enjoyed doing and find your happiness and confidence again.

guggenheim, you've made me cry, that is exactly what my husband said "WHY ARE YOU PUTTING YOURSELF THROUGH THIS????" He doesn't want me to go back Monday, he is so angry on my behalf.It's a crap school with a crap, SLT and it's failing.What on earth have I been doing, am doing?This is career suicide.Seriously other supplys beware!
I am not doing anything well, I am , at the moment, the crappiest, most neglectful mum ever.It sucks.My daughter is slipping through my fingers, she is doing her GCSE's its a critical time, at the moment I'm like "hi" and "bye" mum.I have no time for anyone and anything.I am not living, what on earth am I flaming doing?