Please can somebody mindread my cat

[cleanhousewastedlife]

Hoping someone can do some distance mindreading on my cat, because there are several things I am keen to know.

For starters, why did you have a poo on the floor next to your tray this morning? You saw me scrub the floor yesterday. I know you are elderly but that seemed a bit passive aggressive to me.

Ps what do you think of the new chicken stick treats. You seem to have gone off dreamies. Have I got that right because I'm thinking of giving the dreamies away if you don't want them.

I'm getting this:

The tray is not up to your cat's standards of cleanliness, whereas the floor is.

Bored of dreamies. Undecided about the sticks.

I'm being aloof and I unable to think of answers to your questions human minion. Scratch behind my ears, and tell the dog over the road that he is a loser, loser, LOSER!

Your just cleaned the floor. There is your answer.
Do not get rid of the dreemies under any circumstances as I might fancy some tomorrow. Or I may not.

My tray isn’t clean enough and I might have a urinary tract infection like many elderly cats.

Haven’t made up my mind. Will probably go back to the Dreamies at some point.

Will decide that the sticks are poisonous the minute you give away the dreamies.

Your cat is coming through ...

"I don't like the smell of that stuff you cleaned the floor with. It smells all nasty and fresh and clean - I prefer the comforting scent of cat wee. So there!"

"The moment you get rid of those Dreamies, I'll go into a sulk and refuse any other treats - you have been warned!"

Ok, will give dreamies away.

Now you know that's nonsense about the box. It's v clean. You saw me clean it out! Or did I do it wrong?

I am nervous of delivering the message to the dog. He's quite bouncy.

Another question - why do you like to sit on me ALL THE SODDING TIME but not on DH who rescued you when evil ex-girlfriend left you behind? It is DH who deserves your attention, not me. I think he would quite like some of your lap.

One of my cats does the poo thing. I'd swear he stands in the tray and poos out through the door space. He's happy enough to wee in it, not a problem. I do wonder if it's to piss his brother off.
And never get rid of food. The second you do it'll be their absolute favourite again. Particularly if you've just stocked up on new brand that they swore they adored

Mindreading won't help because it is every cat's prerogative to change their mind on a whim.

I’m old and either I didn’t have the time to get to the tray or it’s too high and I can’t climb in/the litter is too spiky on my paws.
If you give away the dreamies I will want nothing but then. My teeth might hurt a bit too.
DH deserves nothing. He’s my minion.

You'd better tell the dog or I will. Then what will the neighbours think?

I hate dreamies. They are crap. Wait.... what do you mean you got rid?!!? They are my favourite food evaaarrrr.

DHs lap isn't the right sort of comfy and no amount of biscuit making will fix this. I'll have yours.

I'll piss and poo where I want woman.

Now open the door I want to go out. Now come in. Now go out. Now come in!!

PS one of my three insists on pooping on the floor if the dirt tray has so much as been used once