Dear Cat...

[TheCatOfAthenry]

I was wondering if we could have a new thread articulating what our cats pretend not to understand. I'll happily start:

Dear Cat,

I know you think it's extremely charming when you reach up a paw to try and steal chicken from my plate. You're not completely wrong, but I have to eat too.

Also, if you could please stop pooing over the side of the litter tray, I'd appreciate it!

Love and Dreamies,
TCOR.

*TCOA

Dear Cat

You're allowed outside now, please poop out there. If you continue to do it in the litter tray (which we really only intended to keep for the few weeks you were locked in after moving house) then please stop pooping as soon as daddy has left for work. Also, please learn how to cover it up rather than just scratching the sides/walls of the tray and then leaving it to stink the house out before I notice that it's there.

Oh, also, you have a cat flap, a very expensive microchip cat flap, please stop trying to jump out of the top floor window of our townhouse. It worries me to the point of not opening windows and when you've stunk the house out with your poop I need to open windows!

Love you kitty Cat

Xxx

Dearest Girlcat

I love you very much, and I want to do whatever I can to make you happy. Unfortunately I am a mere human and can't read your mind. So when you sit in front of me staring, just staring, I can't guess what you are after. You have just been fed, you have a room strewn with toys, if I offer to play with you I get a dirty look, when I try to pet you, you shrink back as though expecting a blow.

You know perfectly well you will get dreamies later, you know the bed time routine better than I and will complain if I do anything out of order and THAT is the next time you get treats.

So what in sodding HELL do you want when you stare at me for bloody ages?

I still adore and worship both you and your (slightly) less demanding brother, love

Allergic

Dear cats.
Since you are ridiculously well behaved I can't complain, but if you could behave a bit more like a cat that would be nice. (But no hunting please)
Snorg, eyeballing my dinner is very sweet, but i'd appreciate if you could sneeze away from the plate.
Fatty, if you could stop meowing for no reason as soon as I get into bed. Sending me rushing downstairs to see what the matter is that would be nice.
Apart from that you are the most gorgeous amazing creatures and I love you more than anything!

Love Your slave.

Dear cats
I know the sun is up. it's too early for humans.
I am sorry it's raining. Yes. Out the front and the back. I can't help that.
You don't need to accompany me when I go for a wee.
It's not the dog's fault she exists. Stop tormenting her.
Cat 1. I'm allergic to you. Please cease rubbing round my face.
Cat 2. You're not a dog. Stop stealing her treats.

Dear Cat,

Please let me pick you up and hold you like a baby

We adopted you a year ago, & you are getting on a bit. (10)

But we love you so much, I know you think you own the gaff now, by waking me at 6.30 EVERY day, & demanding tummy tickles on the floor.

Just let me give you a big snuggly cuddle without trying to biting me