Ffs - just say that Ozzy took a doughnut off the side while she was out of the room. It's true!
And Bear is an idiot. It someone did that to me I'd literally faint. They haven't got standing desks either so some will be at the wrong level. I'm sure companies are meant to provide somewhere safe to sit at least in breaks. I suggest Hobby Sue's about the broken bench, hostile environment and subsequent splinters!