Year 9 dd is friends with year 11 boy

[choxanwine]

Is it unreasonable for me to be uncomfortable with the fact that my 14 year old dd (Year 9) is friends with a year 11 boy at her school? (she says he is 18 months older than her). She had mentioned his name a few times, then he asked her to watch a hockey match he was in at the weekend (which was cancelled at the last minute) then go back to his house for dinner (nice family and he seems ok). She hangs out with him at break times and talks to him on the phone every evening, sometimes late into the night (have confiscated phone several times). I would be happier if he was the same age as her, although she is more mature than most of the girls her age. I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting...??

Yes sounds like your imagination is going into overdrive somewhat

Fine, I'd say

When I was 14 I was interested in the boys that hung about 'down the shop' in their boy racer cars

So no need to worry just yet

Is this an "age" thing or a boyfriend thing?

I fancied a 21yr old when I was 14.

I think its fine

Yeah but no but.... I wouldn't want him to influence her in any 'untoward' way.. (not that she is a naive 14 yo by any means). Also how would this look at school?

I bet she is streets ahead of him from a maturity pov

Are you worried about sex?

I think it would look fine at school ...my ds had friends from across all years, was never a problem really

Make sure you have the "talk" with her, and let her know her boundaries, but don't ever try to stop her from seeing someone - it always makes them more attractive

I remember being a hormone driven 14yr old...it was the boys being led astray, not the other way round.

I guess I am worried about you-know-what rearing its head... (so to speak) and this boy did used to go out with a girl in his year who had a certain 'reputation'. (just re-read this and I sound like a right prude)

I do think you need to have a chat.

My 14 year old dd is friends with a boy from cadets who is 17. I admit I was concerned and wondering about his furtive motives, so had The Chat. They both insist it is platonic - they just have the same interests - and once I met him I was fine. He is very sweet albeit a little young for his age, and I think they are a good match personality wise.

I am lucky that they don't acrtually spend intense amounts of time with each other - they go to different schools for one, and they see each other at cadets twice a week. They occasiobally meet up at the gym (but I am there as wll) and have gone to the cinema etc at weekends.

I have also met his parents (they go to the same gym) and although they had their concerns, we are OK with it. It is entirely possible that it might turn 'romantic' - however I am hoping that me and DD have a close enough relationship that she will be able to tell me about it.

Have you met him yet Choxanwine? He might be really nice, and 18 months really isn't a big age gap. If she is interested in him (and it sounds like she is, even if in a vague way) then you trying to stop them seeing each other won't work (they're together every day) and will just make her clam up about what she's up to. IME teenagers telling their parents that they plan to meet up with a boy are placing their trust in them, and kind of daring them to disapprove. Why don't you invite him round and make up your own mind? (DD will find this very embarrassing if she's not interested). Or ask her friends what he's like: "DD's spending quite a lot of time with X, are you friends with him?"

OK - thanks everyone for making me realise I need to chill and stop jumping ahead of myself. Will have The Chat tonight as we are on an even keel atm. Thanks for all the helpful advice - feel a bit more relaxed about it now..

Elephants - my dh met him and his mother (when he went to collect dd from his house) and he says he seemed quite nice). I did suggest that she invite him round to ours but she didn't seem keen on that idea Will nonchalantly quiz her friends at the earliest opportunity... thanks

I can't really see why you are particularly worried if he seems like a nice lad. It sounds very normal.

Have a chat, but do try not to be embarrassingly coy with her, IYSWIM. You sound a bit like you are uncomfortable with the idea of her having a sexual interest in him ... I mean, if you're saying "you-know-what" on MN, I imagine you're not entirely at ease with the idea -- unless you were being tongue-in-cheek & I missed it

Maybe just try to be quite straightforward and unembarrassed; if you seem uncomfortable, it won't encourage her to be open with you now or in the future.

"how would this look at school?"

Genuinely not sure what you mean by this Teenagers socialize between years all the time; who do you think would look askance at this?

A male friend of DS1 (yr 11) was dating a female friend of DS2 (yr 9) recently. They split up because the girl was found out or caught kissing another boy, not sure which. DS1's friend is devastated, DS has been walking with him to school all week to cheer him up a bit as he was walking with her previously. What I am trying to say is, not all 16yr old boys are 'Jack the Lad', DS1 has some lovely sensitive, gentle friends, this lad being one, and according to both of mine it is very common for Yr11's to be dating the Yr9's! However, I can understand why you might feel apprehensive at first, from what you know already he sounds fine, I would just keep the lines of communication open as much as poss!

I think it's entirely normal for a 14 year old girl to be more interested in a slightly older boy than boys of her own age

ds1 (just 13) has developed a bit of a crush on one of the girls at swimming - but she's also y8 and there's no way on this earth she'd be interested in him - he's much too immature - I expect she probably has crushes on y10 boys, so same age difference as your dd