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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Hmm, just want some perspective about my DD's future, now she has a long-term BF...

14 replies

tearinghairout · 08/10/2009 11:45

She is 16 next month, he's a few weeks younger. They've been bf & gf since Aug 2008, and sexually active since about Jan this year. (We've had 3 of 'the' talks btw, and his parents have talked to him too.)

Anyway, I was of course expecting it to fizzle out, but it hasn't. They do their homework together, they spend every spare minute together (although she does have close gfs too), she misses him when he's not around, and says he's her best friend & she's his. He is shy, but they are both more confident together. They spend a lot of time giggling. Now she's talking about 'one day', when they get married & have dch.

He's going to college locally, she's abandoned her plans to stay on for 6th form & then college in London & now wants to go locally with him.

I never imagined this. I thought at 15 my DD would be devouring Dickens & knitting dolls' clothes. My mum stamped on me having a bf & I went & got married at 18 - big mistake. So I've gone along with it... but where do we go from here, do you think?

OP posts:

SpookyAlice · 08/10/2009 11:56

I can't advise you, but can tell you what happened to me and maybe that will help.

I started seeing a boy i had known for years just before my 16th birthday. He lived the other side of the country and when i was 17 i went to a college near him and would catch the train to spend weekends with him at his parents. It went well for all of a month before i realised how fun college was and how much of a tie it was to have a boyfriend that i had to speak to everyday and spend all my spare money and time visiting. It ended after 2 months of me being there.

Have you talked to your DD about her future plans for her career? Maybe she just needs the reassurance that it is ok to go and have her own life. I remember feeling like i almost wanted someone else to decide what i should/shouldn't be doing as although i wanted to think i was old enough to decide everything for myself i was putting a lot of pressure on myself when i didn't need to.

I hope this helps you at all

Original poster

tearinghairout · 08/10/2009 12:10

Thanks Alice, yes that does help. Ha Ha! I bet your Mum was pleased! I have speculated that having a little bundle of joy that stops you going partying with your mates is the wake-up call that my DD will get.. (and the bf too)

They seem pretty stable atm. The thing is that she is having fun with him!! She would expect the same at college. Not sure if being at college & tying yourself to one girl would be that much fun for him though.. hadn't thought about that. But he does seem smitten with her.

I've tried to talk about her career but she now has no idea... happy-ever-after marriage?

Anyway, I'm off to work now & will have a ponder.

OP posts:

Harimosbroomstick · 08/10/2009 12:15

My Dsis met her first boyfriend at the age of 13. They both pretty much organised their lives around each other so they could see loads of each other.

When my sis went to college, she went as locally as possible and came home every weekend - at the time, I thought she was mad as she pretty much refused to intergrate into college life. SHe was adament everything had to be around him.

They were both 40 this year and celebrated with a joint party - they have been together and are still as happy (AFAIK!! ) as they have ever been.

They have and continue to support each other - they both have had career changes etc.,

But they are totally happy together.

They have never had (nor do I think they ever will) have children...

It CAN work out well.

VineGruesomeTits · 08/10/2009 12:19

Well i don't have a DD, but my ds1 (now 20) got into his first 'long term' relationship when he was 16

My advice to you is to always be honest and open with her, and never make them feel like they need to sneak around behind your back and make him welcome into your home, let her make her own mistakes in relationships but make sure she knows you are there to give her advice

My parents made the mistake of telling me i was too young to be 'in love' and refusing to let me see my BF, so i sneeked around and lied to them, closed myself off and didnt go to them for advice, i ended up pg at 17.

TheProvincialLady · 08/10/2009 12:35

I think that the heavy drinking and snogging wider social opportunities of the VI form might cause both of them to rethink the whole long term relationship issue long before they get to the stage where she is choosing which college to go to. Two years is a heck of a long time at that age so I wouldn't worry too much now. Just encourange her to spend plenty of time with her friends as well as her BF.

AutomatedAlice · 08/10/2009 12:35

I met two girls at university who had been with their boyfriends since they were 14/15. One had followed her boyfriend to the university (he was a year older) and one had gone to a separate university.

They both had full social lives away from their boyfriends and enjoyed university to the full. They have both gone on to proper careers, and have both now married their boyfriends (we are all 30ish), one has a one year old and one is pregnant.

They seem very happy. Again, no advice, but it can work out.

francaghostohollywood · 08/10/2009 12:47

I think it is great that 15 yrs old are able to have stable relationships. It makes them feel safer and probably more adult.
I wouldn't try to criticize her relationship (they sound very sweet ), but would keep on stressing with dd the importance of studying and thinking about her career etc. Both things are actually easy to follow even if you are in a "serious" relationship, I'd say.

optimisticmumma · 08/10/2009 13:36

My DS and his GF have been 'seeing' each other for 18 months now - both 17. I had same concerns as you and still do to some extent. I don't think you can do anything at all about it. It sounds a lovely relationship. I have told both DS and GF to make sure they still look after their friendships and that's it really. The are both incredibly sporty so do socialise with team-mates separately. On the upside the whole drinking/sleeping over culture has largely passed my DS by which in my book is only a good thing. On the downside I'm dreading the fall-out if and when it comes...

lou031205 · 08/10/2009 13:48

I met DH the day before my 16th birthday. We were friends, then BF/GF (although no sex until married due to faith), and have been married 7 years with 3 children now. Both went to (different) uni, at different times.

Original poster

tearinghairout · 09/10/2009 11:23

Wow, thanks for all your support. MNers helped me so much with DD when they got 'serious' and I've handled it very differently from how I imagined I would - first instinct was to do as Vinegar's mum & force it 'underground'. I'm SO glad I didn't.

It's lovely to hear of 'young' relationships that have worked out - harimo, lou.

DD did say to me that her mates without bf's are constantly wanting to go on the pull to clubs in town, & she would prob want to go with them... so the relationship has given her confidence & stability.

Agree, Optimistic, about the friends. I've said to her is that it's important not to neglect your gfs, and also that people often grow apart as they get older, but not always, of course.

They are kind of adults, and yet not... tricky. Thanks to you all.

OP posts:

Hassled · 09/10/2009 11:30

They both sound lovely, but please count your chickens just yet.

My DD and her BF of 2 years went off to University together this time last year. He met someone else and dumped her within a couple of months - she's still not really over him although happily has started dating again. But it was horrendous at the time - for her, obviously, but I also felt like he'd betrayed us; he'd been part of our family for 2 years. He stayed over, he ate our food, he babysat the younger DCs, he came on holiday with us - and then he treated her like shit at the end.

I do hope it works out well for your DD, but I also wish I hadn't made the assumptions I did about my DD's future.

Hassled · 09/10/2009 11:31

don't count your chickens!

Original poster

tearinghairout · 09/10/2009 21:50

Yes, I take your point. I have made him welcome but... he's a man. (well, a prototype man, anyway.) KWIM? Trust 'em as far as you can throw 'em, in general. I shan't be inviting his parents round for dinner as potential ILs just yet. (Mind you, I was with DH2 for 13 years before we got married and the wedding still came as a shock to his parents [gritted teeth emoticon].)

My fingers are crossed that they can be happy together but grow individually, and all without making me a granny just yet - but I have a big box of hankies on standby for my little grl.

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optimisticmumma · 09/10/2009 23:11

Just another thought...isn't it better that our DC have 'proper' relationships and really care about each other. Of course it will hurt when it finishes(if it finishes) but I'd rather my DS had a serious relationship than he had one night stands....At least this way they are learning valuable life lessons and understanding that a good relationship needs work...I hope he'd never just ceremoniously 'dump' anyone but that he would consider the impact of what he was doing...

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