At my wits end with DD13 over safety

[Bridesmaiddespair]

DD13 is driving me mad. She’s autistic with a PDA profile and high anxiety / low self esteem. We recently found despite < what we considered> strong online / phone restrictions she has managed to bypass them. She had been messaging strangers on Pinterest, some flirty, sending photos that were not inappropriate but still to strangers. Suggestive chat. Using online for looking / discussing self harm imagery etc.

we spoke with school, she’s already under CAMHS due to anxiety and self harm but it’s an ongoing issue and obviously will take time to build trust and rebuild her self esteem. They advised us to let her keep her phone but again restrict access so her camera is blocked, no safari access, no messaging platforms other than IMessage and agreed there would continue to be intermittent phone checks and again reiterated phone / online safety.

we have just found she’s somehow continued to bypass this to access and message on Pinterest strangers. Males who for all I know are adults. I’m furious. I understand her drive for friendship and connection but equally she isn’t acting appropriately and considering safety mentioning where we live etc. I want to remove her phone completely and replace it with a literal dumb phone that can text and call only so she can communicate with real life friends but can’t bypass security for internet.

Friends think I’m being too harsh, it’s an age / teen thing and removing it will drive her further from us. Which I see… but equally she continues to ignore boundaries.

Wise ones please help

Ex teacher

some teens are not capable to keeping themselves safe and will message adult males regardless of what protections are put in place.

get a dumb phone. Then it is just not possible (from phone anyway), she will probably try from computer.

Thank you - no computer at home other than dads which is only used supervised and school is SEN with high security so hoping that helps kerb the behaviour. It’s so frustrating how hell bent on breaking rules she is

Yeah just cancel the contract and get a brick phone. Or it's three more years of stress and worry for you.

She's behaving like a child, lying and bypassing, so she gets a child's phone. Gets a grown up phone when she can behave responsibly.

Easier said than done. You have my sympathy, this digital stuff is absolutely hellish.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond - it was my gut instinct to remove but therapists and crisis team seem a little taken in by her insisting she wouldn’t do it again so I was second guessing myself

It's not about what friends think. It's about what actually works.

You are at a point of reduced options to normal.

Take the iphone and make sure there are no old ones in the house and that yours is locked. Delete her Pinterest account and any other accounts. Brick phone!

They’ll be thinking she’ll only learn needs to learn to use a phone safely, because that’s how she’ll socialise with friends, and be out in the world. It’s better to have some exposure while you still have a range of options to check and support her than when she’s 15/16.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with removing her phone, but I’d give careful thought to how/when you reintroduce it. The other option, which I ended up doing with my DD at that age, was paying for a very tight net nanny. She couldn’t download anything without my sign off, had limited hours and downtime, couldn’t use messaging apps without permission, couldn’t create new contacts etc. That coupled with daily random checks on her phone, along with lots of conversations about online safety, particularly grooming and exploitation (CEOP have some good resources) and lots of positive messages about her right to be safe have helped her be much safer online.

It may be she needs to mature a bit, it may be her self esteem means she’ll keep looking for ways to connect with random people, but you’ll need at some point to actively work with her on being safe, and I think that’s easier done while you have time on your side.

I think I would go for a net nanny suggestion

Reason being is that she may get a phone from someone else (grooming) which could.lead to other issues. Or she could get the money from someone to get a phone.

I think what I am trying to say that she sounds tech savvy, she is being shown what to do to avoid blocks so someone is helping her. I think there could be more to this and that is a bigger problem

Good luck.

Than you will check out net nanny now

@Bridesmaiddespairthis is the one I used. I found it really good - I could literally restrict the phone to calls and texts, have a record of every website she looked at and block sites remotely. It doesn’t stop messaging on things like Instagram, but you can stop her downloading sites that allow private messages. It was really worth paying for.

Thank you - I feel shocked by how little I know. Ie I didn’t know you could private message on Spotify! We blocked Pinterest but she seems to have bypassed it - we think she has somehow worked out the password we used so are also changing that as we blocked the website!

Forget friends opinions.

Those friend will probably be nowhere to be seen if your DD gets into real trouble - your dd is your responsibility and you want to protect her.

Brick phone and support from outside services is the best way to start.

All of this.
Commiserations OP, it’s hellish with some teens and phones/screens/internet