Have you had a child be expelled from school? I need support

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Im looking to talk to people who are going through or have gone through what I am please. I dont know anyone in real life and its not something i really want to broadcast to family and friends.
My son is in year 11 and behaving very badly at school. Hes been suspended a few times. His school are great and I have a good relationship with them and i am very cooperative. They told me last week son has no more chances and its serious (expulsion wasnt specifically mentioned but can only mean that). But his behaviours have still carried on.
He is disruptive in class and doesnt pay attention. He is argumentative with staff. Pushes back against all punishments. Spending alot of time outside of the classroom in isolation. But its constant. Every day all day. I completely understand why they feel this way.
His dad and I have never been able to relate to him. We were well behaved successfull students as are our other children.
Ive always helped and supported him but he refuses to engage. Ive even given him the option of homeschooling and he doesnt want to do that either.
If he is expelled, what comes next? I am scared and worried. There is 1 PRU in my area and I believe it is full. He has his gcse's coming up so a very worrying time and i am making myself ill with worry. I worry about his future.
If anyone has been through this and come out the other side please can you tell me the process and what happens? I'd really appreciate some help and support . And no judgement. I judge myself enough. I feel like a complete failure and dont understand where we have gone wrong. Hes like a different kid at home. Relaxed and calm.

Have school involved an educational psychologist? What is causing the behaviour? Any SEND?

We were totally unaware ds had asd until year 7...
Time to look for a similar answer imo

Hes gone through cahms and is on the adhd pathway. But by the time he gets assessed he will have left school. Its a 2 year waiting list. He is on the sen register at school and has a classroom support plan but nothing is working.
Hes always had issues with focus and being distracted. But this bad behaviour has only appeared since puberty and during year 10 and 11. School is obviously too much for him but we are telling him i will happily home school if needs be but he wont. He says he wants to go to school.

My son was permanently excluded at 15. He was registered at a PRU but did not attend the actual PRU building because they didn’t want him socialising with the other students. He was allocated a key worker and he did some vocational placements as well as a course on personal development with young people who had been in trouble at school but who had come out the other side.

He did maths and English GCSE and got a 8 in maths and a 6 in English. He’s naturally very good at maths so I wasn’t surprised. He absolutely hated school so he wouldn’t have got those grades if he’d stayed in school. He also got some vocational certificates for his other courses. Anyway his key worker helped him apply to college and he’s a qualified plasterer now. He’s 22 and bought a house with his girlfriend two years ago with a 40 year mortgage and a small ish deposit that I helped with. He’s done well considering how close he was to either prison or getting stabbed.

Is this what I dreamed about for his future? No. Am I just glad he’s ok? Absolutely. His key worker was absolutely amazing with him. He was also diagnosed with autism a few weeks after he was kicked out of school, which I think helped him to know why he felt so different compared to his mates.

I think getting kicked out was the best thing that could have happened at that particular time because he was on a very dark path.

My son was well behaved at school until he went to secondary school. It was like a bomb going off. Within two weeks of being there he was in trouble every single day. The incessant phone calls and meetings, I thought I’d end up having a breakdown. He said he was sorry (to me) each time something happened and then he’d go to school the following day and be badly behaved again.

I grounded him, took his stuff away etc. He had a brick phone for a few years until he could afford his own smartphone. Absolutely nothing worked to improve his behaviour.

This just shows why parents shouldn't be judged, many have one child who is an angel, and another who is struggling. You're not necessarily a great parent if one kid is doing well, and you're not necessarily a bad one if your other child is having problems.
Have you seen a GP for any health issues? And are there any parent support groups in the area, for you? Would online tutition be a possibility for him?

Have you considered a private diagnosis and medication? It doesn't come cheap but you'll be able to get an appointment in the next week or so.

Sounds very similar to DS
When puberty kicked in he went totally off the rails. We did a reduced timetable taking him out early, dropping late and giving days off when needed. Eventually we took him out of school on medical certs to give us time to think. We decided to move schools before he was expelled but that didn’t work, the issue was he had underlying ADHD.

Push back onto school. They don’t have long left and won’t want him expelled. Part time timetable, more time out of classroom and working with support. What can they offer?

Ultimately school doesn’t matter too much. Sounds like you aren’t struggling at home? That is the important bit. Make sure he feels like someone who can succeed ina. Different environment. Get him focussed on courses for next year. See if you can motivate him to do end and maths - means he can access level two and three college courses.

Is there any way at all you could afford a private ADHD assessment and medication if it came down to that? The problem with ADHD is that most things end up being a lost cause without medication because they need the medication in order to get much out of anything else. Obviously there are exceptions, but it's common for things to seem find and then suddenly hit a point where the wheels come off. The pressure of GCSEs is a common crunch point. Also the transition from GCSE to A Level (this was me, and my eldest son who is now retaking Y12).

It's not a panacea, he will still have to work for it but it sounds like he wants to work for it now, and it's not working. The Sarah Templeton books are a bit simplistic but they do explain really well what goes wrong in school with a lot of ADHD children, and they have some (albeit limited) suggestions of what to do about it.

It's a joke that the waiting lists are so long he will have left school by the time he gets to the end of one. Not fit for purpose. When these issues are identified they need clarifying fast, you shouldn't have to just wait around for years while he totally screws his life up.

He might not need the medication forever but I would absolutely want him to give it a try to get him through school.

If he potentially has adhd and is treated as such by the school then it’s clear his need are not being met. They need to do more, or he needs another setting . X

Just really want to get him through to next June when they finish but at what cost ? Its obviously trolly stressful for him. And its destroying my mental health. Even if he has a good day I cant relax because im so on edge waiting for the next thing, next phone call , next meeting request.
Im picking him up early today as ive been able to get them to agree to a part time timetable. Hes also dropping some gcses. We really just want him to get his maths and english as that will help him down the line . Makes me so sad that he doesn't enjoy school. He will never be able to look back on any happy memories of it

You do not need a diagnosis to get reasonable adjustments in place - it is an anticipatory duty under the equalities act. It is worth checking that out and reminding the school. However, the diagnosis helps you if the school insists it is behaviour not SEND. Punishing your DS will not change anything if it is ADHD.

There are template letters asking for adjustments, eg
https://adhduk.co.uk/support/exam-adjustments-personalised-support-letter/

Diagnosis and medication helped my DC get through year 11. The medication helped so much and is not needed as much now school is over. That in itself shows how stressful school can be for neurodivergent teens.

Really good luck, it is very stressful for you.