14 year old using a phone mainly to consume Instagram etc and I hate it

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Is this normal? He has WhatsApp, Instagram and YouTube, the latter with time limits which he always asks to have extended. He would spend all his spare time outside of school and sport on Instagram and YouTube if he could and is often scrolling things on there while watching TV (only YouTube is wanted these days) or playing the PS5. He's not a big gamer, but plays a bit, mainly sports games and usually offline.

As context, he's got Inattentive ADHD (not medicated, yet) and autism. Attends mainstream school. Does a lot of sport to a high competitive level but if he's not doing sport, eating or asleep he's mainly on his phone, scrolling Instagram mainly. He hardly uses WhatsApp to communicate. He left the huge WhatsApp groups made up of his school mates long ago as they were overwhelming and full of memes and emojis and means messges.

Apparently his friends and schoolmates all now only use Snapchat and TikTok to communicate. He doesn't have these.apps and I don't want to give them to him. Instagram and YouTube have proved addictive enough. He uses the phone to call / WhatsApp us if he needs something but that's about it. Doesn't reply to messages from other family members and the odd acquaintance who does WhatsApp him unless chased and nagged to.

Is this typical? Any tips for getting him to communicate more, stop endlessly scrolling and maybe read or watch regular TV?

Yep, WhatsApp is just for the olds, I'm afraid.

And the scrolling of short-form content is horribly, instantly, addictive and probably moreso for those who are ND. It's a tough world for the young!

Does he have any interests that aren't screens?

Sorry, you literally mentioned sport. OK, my concentration is clearly shit too!

I mean it’s dreadful but also an acceptable norm amongst his peers and society at large so what can you do aside from switch off WiFi at night. He’s already addicted so reframe this around his addiction and work on that. He’ll figure out workarounds they always do but expecting him to engage with books or watch tv is a ship that sailed as soon as he got his phone.

No not normal because not everyone allows insta for young teenagers. Why do you allow it?

Honestly I think you're completely overreacting. He plays sport to a high level, attends school, presumably does homework. This all sounds great.

Are you concerned about the YouTube he is watching? What channels? I have to say I'm a fifty something with a responsible full time job, heavy volunteering commitment, serious hobbies, parenting yada yada and I spend a hell of a lot of time on YouTube. There's plenty of dross just as there is on TV channels but also a world of truly excellent content. What is your son actually watching?

14 year old not being communicative and poor at writing to relatives is par for the course I'm afraid. Did you write all your thank you letters on Boxing Day when you were fourteen or were your parents still pleading with you in March to just please for the love of God write two lines and sign your name? (I know mine were)

His phone goes on downtime from 9pm until 730am every day. Yes, it's so normalised and it already feels like he has more boundaries and rules on all this than lots of his mates and acquaintances. So hard to get the balance right in not wanting to be pressured into allowing things that don't sit well with you and that you know will have negative sides for your child/teen but not wanting them to be isolated. This feels like Roblox at primary school all over again. We didn't allow it and so he couldn't join the chat with his mates at school.

He watches mainly sports content on YouTube and Instagram and does connect with others from his sport from across the UK on Instagram too. Lots of them us the platform to share training etc. He watches the rubbish as well though. Stuff with AI commentary and fonk music that is just 🤯 annoying (to me!)

I monitor his Instagram account as it's a teen one. I also monitor all his phone use via Google Family Link.

We let him have Instagram as he wanted to follow various sports accounts and others his age from his sport and school who all have accounts. We didn't want him having Snapchat or TikTok as we had heard too much worrying stuff relating to them. YouTube was initially YouTube kids when he was 11 and first got a smart phone. Then his friends would send YouTube things to him and he'd be upset as he couldn't watch them. He's 14 now and his YouTube is set to age appropriate levels. I try to encourage watching less mind dumbing content but it's the shorts that are so addictive.

He claims there's nothing he wants to watch on TV. I barley watch TV myself so don't have much idea on what to suggest that might engage him and be suitable. Never thought I would long for the days of CBeebies and CBBC so badly!

Yes he is very active and super fit. Loves his sport and is very dedicated to it. But I wish he would find ways to relax when not at school/doing sport other than his phone and social media scrolling. Reading, drawing, just listening to music or good old fashioned watching TV.....

I was in McDonalds today, and all of the young teens were on their phones while out “together”. Nobody chatted to each other. I remember the laughs me & my mates used to have at that age… But, this is where we are.

That sounds fine to me in all honesty. You might find the rubbish he watches annoying (I would too) but it's really just downtime which we all need.

My mother used to be on and on at me for wasting my time reading school stories abd watching Neighbours, but I actually built lifelong friendships through shared fandom of these things and developed my creative side writing fan fiction. It sounds like your son is doing something a bit similar with sport content.

Honestly what would you like him to do? He is reading, listening to music, watching stuff on his phone. He's probably interacting with friends. He goes to school, does homework and is a sportsman. I haven't watched live TV in about a decade, I stream music, download books, play with AI, talk to friends on my phone. Just like a normal person, probably just like your lad.

My son definitely went off tv and reading in the mid teens, it’s quite a hard age to find stuff you might all want to watch together. We started doing a family movie night. He’s much better now, finds tv shows and films he likes, it really was a bit of a phase. And he reads a lot now.

whatsapp is out of favour a bit for communicating.

You mention time limits on you tube, have you put a screen time limit on the phone itself rather than just a time window?

Being rubbish at communicating with relatives etc. is fairly typical ime though.

It sounds like you’re doing a pretty good job and have created some decent boundaries around it, with downtime and limiting the range of apps.

The two things I’d be most worried about — opting out of real life activities, or consuming toxic content — he doesn’t appear to be doing. It’s great that he’s playing all that sport.

I agree, it’s a bit depressing to watch them scrolling all the time, but it is the way of the world now and I’m not sure you can do much more than what you’re doing. You’re obviously doing something right if he’s doing all the other things he’s got going on. I have a friend whose 14-year-old is ensconced in the manosphere and will do nothing but shout at her, consume that content, and engage in activities related to it. You sound like you’ve got plenty to be grateful for with your son.

I would like to suggest that his screen time be reduce by having him spending more time with you, like helping out in the kitchen in fixing the meal. I suggest this so he would be more independent as he get older and be able to take care of himself. The list of choirs around the house he can do so he can become independent as an adult when he leaves home.
If he does these things, how about working jigsaw puzzle together and talk about how his day was at school and other interests.
Basically, he needs to change some of his screen time to face time with the family in help in reducing his addiction from screen time. As he gets older, he needs to learn how to balance his life and set priorities.

I don’t think that’s that unusual.
you say you want him to watch tv. Isn’t watching YouTube etc the same thing?
if he’s involved in other things like sport and school as you say, I don’t see the problem.

Sounds pretty normal to me OP.

Why not reduce the hours he has access to the phone? Also make it clear to him one of the rules of having it in the first place is answering family messages!

My best friend implemented a device-free-day each weekend for her teens when her youngest was 12, that helped a lot for hers. Mine aren’t allowed phones until sixteen (have Apple Watch and iPad) and here its devices allowed between 4pm and 6pm weekdays and not after 6pm at weekends either. My young adult children have never told me I’ve ruined their lives lol.

He sounds like a pretty decent teenager tbh, keeping fit and being disciplined with that etc.

Hes Autistic and has ADHD. Plays sports, attends school, reads etc.

Cut him some slack!!

I think you should consider snapchat if your goal is for him to communicate with his peers. Obviously he’s only going to engage with strangers otherwise as that’s where they are.

My daughter is almost 14 but is quite unusual as she hates social media and refuses to engage with it. She has no issues missing out on things regularly (she does comp dance and her whole team is there sharing dance videos and planning meetups). Shes autistic and just does her own thing. But if you and your son want more socialising with real people he knows I can confirm that’s where they are.

How do you relax at home?

You will end up socially isolating him from his friends by now allowing him to have Snapchat to talk to his friends.

I don’t really care what’s “normal”. I didn’t allow it until DS1 was 16, and will be the same for much more important reasons for AuADHD DS2. DS1 managed to keep his social life active with just WhatsApp just fine.

Social media is addictive, the last thing someone with adhd needs.

You used the word 'addictive' a couple of times. Take a look into phone/social media addiction and think about how/if you want to deal with that.