Struggling to let my 16yo twin boys become independent – where is the middle ground?
I’m posting because I’m really struggling at the moment and I’m not sure if I’m being appropriately protective of my boys or if I’m becoming too controlling.
I have twin DSs who are 16 (17 next year). They both have ADHD and learning difficulties and attend a special needs school. They have always needed considerably more support than my two slightly younger DDs, who are neurotypical.
My boys struggle a lot socially. They have difficulty making and maintaining friendships and mainstream teenagers generally don't seem to want to spend time with them. They also have significant learning difficulties and realistically I don't expect them to get qualifications in the usual way.
One thing that has always been noticeable, and something their teachers have also commented on, is that I can explain something to them and they appear to understand completely, but then as soon as they walk away they will do the thing we've just discussed. I don't necessarily think they're deliberately ignoring me. I think they can genuinely understand something in the moment but struggle to retain it, apply it or make the right decision later.
Their dad and I are separated and have very different parenting styles. I met him when I was 17 and he was 47. The relationship was very difficult and controlling and there was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. I was also extremely isolated for years. I left when I was 36 and I'm now 37.
Since leaving, my life has changed a lot. I've had therapy for several years, I'm training to for my dream job. I've made friends and I'm building a life outside of being a mum.
Their dad is much more of a "friend" to the boys. He tells them a lot about his own past and I feel he sometimes uses them as emotional support. He is also much more relaxed than me about some of the things they're doing.
Now that the boys are 16, I've started trying to give them more independence. I've given them more freedom with the internet and other areas of their lives because I know they are getting older and I can't control their decisions forever.
And this is where I'm struggling.
One of my sons has started smoking cannabis.
Both boys have become extremely interested in sex and relationships and seem particularly interested in older women.
One of them has been seeing/talking to a 26-year-old woman. Their dad actually took him to meet her without me knowing.
The other has been talking to a 60-year-old woman. Not met up with.
I find all of this extremely difficult.
I know they're 16. I know they are getting older. I know I can't physically stop them from talking to people or making choices.
But they are also vulnerable young people with ADHD and learning difficulties and significant social difficulties.
I don't think I can just treat them exactly like a typical 16/17 year old and say "they're old enough, let them get on with it". Which isnt something i would do anyway.
But I also don't want to become so controlling that they stop trusting me and go to their dad instead. Their dad thinks the relationship with the 26-year-old is fine. And has even given our son tips on kissing ect.
I've actually been working really hard on myself around control. Because of my previous relationship, I'm very conscious of not wanting to recreate a controlling environment for my children.
I also have two daughters who are slightly younger and neurotypical, and parenting them feels completely different.
So I feel like I have to have two completely different parenting styles.
And I'm finding the transition to independence incredibly hard.
I know they need to make mistakes.
I know I can't tell them what to do forever.
I know they will be 18 in only 16 months and that I need to prepare them for adulthood.
But honestly, I hate it.
I hate that I can't protect them.
I hate watching them make choices that I think could be bad for them.
I hate not knowing what they're doing when they're away from me.
I miss them being little. And there is a lot of grief around that for me because I don't feel like I really enjoyed them being little. I was very isolated and in a very difficult relationship when they were young, and I feel like I spent a lot of that time surviving rather than enjoying motherhood.
Now they are growing up and I feel like I'm losing the little boys I never really got to enjoy properly.
I also struggle with anxiety and when I'm anxious I tend to repeat myself. I'll tell them something, they appear to understand, then I worry they haven't really taken it in and I'll say it again. I know this isn't helpful and I'm trying to stop.
So I'm trying to work out what the middle ground actually looks like.
Where should I still have firm boundaries and where should I step back and allow them to make mistakes?
And how do I balance the fact that they have additional needs with the fact that they are still teenagers who need to develop independence?
I'm also worried because in 16 months they will legally be adults and I won't be able to make these decisions for them in the same way.
I don't want to spend the next 16 months trying to control everything until they turn 18.
I want to use the time to actually teach them how to make decisions, recognise danger, manage themselves and ask for help.
But I'm finding it incredibly difficult to let go.
I don't want to lose my relationship with them in the process.
I'm not looking for people to simply tell me I'm right or that I'm a terrible mother. I genuinely want to know what other parents would do.
Im stuck in a hard place here, i dont want to lose my relationship with my sons, at the moment they talk to me, they know i dont approve of the cannabis use or wanting relationships with older women, i make this clear.
But their dad is the opposite in this. If i suddenly become strict, contact police, socual services their school ect this will push them towards their dad and i lose them.
Especially parents of teenagers with ADHD/learning difficulties/SEND:
How do you decide what your child is genuinely capable of managing independently, what needs scaffolding, and what is a genuine safeguarding issue where you should step in?
And how do you cope emotionally with watching them grow up when you know they are vulnerable and you can't protect them from every mistake?
I completely respect some people will have vwry steong opinions here, but i do ask if your able to put yourself in my shoes