How to make better decisions? What has helped you / your DC?

[ChildrenOfAlbionRovers]

If you or your DC struggle to make decisions and/or to stand by the decisions you make, what has helped? Any advice from your own experience or from others, books, podcasts, TED talks? I'm open to any suggestions here.

Background: my DS (18) has got into a big muddle over university - he got his firm place, decided to decline it and 'trade-up' to a more prestigious uni, then freaked out and decided he'd made a mistake. Long story short, he now needs to take an unplanned year out and deal with the uncertainty of reapplying for next year.

DS can be impulsive, but is also risk-averse. He also has a problem in that when he has to decide between two paths he finds it really hard to let go of the path not taken and is plagued by regrets and what-ifs. Neither DH nor I are like this re regrets, but we are both risk-averse and I recognise the impulsivity in myself, esp my younger self.

So far we've come up with

1. Don't make decisions of any importance whatsoever at night or when sleep-deprived.
2. Trust your instincts (this is really difficult for DS as he tends to access a lot of information and second-guess himself).
3. You can't control everything, only do your best (DS finds this hard to accept).
4. When someone sets you a deadline to make a decision, you need to be cognizant of it, but don't wait until the very last minute and then make a decision under even more pressure.

Any advice very welcome. TIA.

Surprised you have "trust your instincts" on there. For these sorts of decisions, an 18 year old is likely in unknown territory and carrying out proper research and considering pros and cons is likely to reduce the "impulsive" decision.

I would add speaking to people that actually have been through the same or something similar, but only using this as an additional viewpoint, not as definitive advice.

Remember that there is not one single road in life, and there can be many roads to the same destination. It's highly unlikely that he will make a decision that precludes him changing to something else at a later point.

I think this all comes from self-confidence, if you’re confident you don’t look back.
Has he always relied on you to make decisions for him? Or has he had the opportunity to make his own decisions over the years?
If he has, does he ruminate about the decisions he’s made?

I’d say it’s pretty normal at their age.
My list would be
Research - but not to much. Talk to people in the position you want to be in. Ask them how they got there
My young adult Dc has the same issue as yours about deciding between 2 paths. He can also be impulsive.
Our approach has been to advise and suggest but not to impose. He’s learning to adult and needs to stand by his decision- not have them imposed on him by his parents who he can later blame.
We are in the middle of an impulsive decision at the moment - he’s doing his military service in the country we live in. He made this decision very impulsively and he hates the kind of military unit he chose. Like hate hates it. But he can’t easily get out of it so he has learnt not to make decisions before making careful consideration. And he is making the best of it and also concentrating on the positives - he will finish his service quicker and the money is nice.

Often young people learn by their mistake so while your list is good they are going to make decisions they later regret. But that’s ok. That’s life.

I also agree that life can’t be totally planned. My DH has the career he has because at university he had no food left and the company who were presenting were offering food and drink. He went for the food and drink but then realized what a good career opportunity it was. So Id add to the list:
Expect the unexpected.

One thing I tell my teenage students is this: Rejection is often a blessing in disguise. This applies both to university applications and to romantic relationships.

In your son's case, if he rejected his firm place, then tried to reclaim it and was rejected in turn, my advice would be to be open to the possibility that this is a blessing in disguise. Perhaps his academic focus will shift or sharpen during his gap year; perhaps there is some marvelous professor who is on sabbatical right now but will be there, ready to teach him, in 2027; perhaps he will ultimately find his way to a different course, more suitable for him than either of the ones at issue now. The value of this blip in the road will likely become apparent over time.

It's hard to accept that you can't control everything, especially at the stage of life when one is choosing university courses and first jobs, but if you submit to that reality and try to work within the constraints you have, things often turn out better than you expect.

I also find it helpful to make a decision and then sit with it for 24-48 hours before I commit myself.