Struggling to cope with my 18-year-old daughter's behaviour lately

[AmusedLemonFatball]

I’m really really not coping with my 18 yo daughter anymore.

the last few months she’s made some new friends and she’s turned into this horrible entitled girl since. She absolutely speaks to me and her dad like crap. Tells me I’m embarrassing, that she hates being around us etc,

she does absolutely nothing around the house, she has horses that I pay the 80% of. If I ask her to help me with something she acts like iv asked her to run a marathon.

i don’t know know who she is or what to do anymore. :(

Get rid of the horses, tell her to be polite and help or leave.

Stop paying for anything, phone, horses, clothes etc

I agree the horses should go. I hope you challenge her every time she speaks disrespectfully and refuse to engage either her until she does.

We need to know more. Does she work? Off to university? What financial support do you give her, if any?

I think this is 'normal' behaviour to an extent. She is an adult at 18 years old and now feels as though she knows it all (as we all do at that age).

Is there anything else going on outside of the household i.e. exam stress or boyfriends?

I think it's time to have a serious conversation where you say:
'You're entitled to hate me, it doesn't change how much I love you. But you're not entitled to disrespect me or say unpleasant things to me. It's time to review our arrangements. If your behaviour doesn't shift, it's time for you to move out. I'm also giving you final warning that I shan't be paying for horses unless my home is a respectful environment. You can't have it both ways.'

Acknowledge her decree. Tell her you understand that you and her dad are beyond awful and that she should rightly take control of her entire life. She is now an adult and has full autonomy which includes taking responsibility for her adult life. And horse. And laundry / cooking / housing / bills.

She's an adult. If she wants to have horses she needs to look after them responsibly like any other pet, not just leave it to someone else to do everything. You're perfectly reasonable to challenge this and the other entitled behaviour, she's out of order.

I don’t know if I have any right to be pissed off but I’m so angry.

She told me she was sleeping round this new friends house last night and I reminded her that iv asked her to babysit her 10 year old sister today because both me and her dad are working. I said I would need her home by 10.30/11 latest.

turns out she spent all night driving around, went into town and drove home at 4.30am.

its 10.45 and she’s not home and not awake.

i am so so so angry.

She appears to have friends so suggest she goes and does a flat share with them.
Stop paying for anything, she's 18. I had left home at that age, not easy but is doable.
I wouldn't have an adult talking to me like that in my house.

I can't get over how wet people are with their adult kids these days.

Horses can go.

Actions have consequences.

Absolutely this. Tell her that she’s an adult and she should feel free to find someone less embarrassing to live with. At her own expense, of course.

And agree with others - stop paying for things u too she shows a bit of gratitude and respect.

It’s heartbreaking.

4 months ago she was nothing like this. She’s always been a really good girl, went out but not to this extreme, actually enjoyed spending time with us etc. she’s met a new friend and is just going off the rails with her attitude

You asked her to babysit, did she say yes and was happy with that? Did she say it reluctantly?

Driving round at night with friends sounds normal to me.

The not doing anything around the house - has she always helped out and stopped doing so or are you asking her and she doesn’t want to?

If you work in Sunday, is this unusual or something that happens regularly- do you spend much time with her?

Did she do Alevels etc and get results this week? Or does she work?

Its hard to tell whether she’s just doing some normal teenage adult stuff and kicking back on things she feels she shouldn’t be doing (eg the babysitting).

Being rude and saying you’re embarrassing, when does that happen? Has your relationship with her prior to these friends been a good one?

I never ask her to babysit, I’m having to work and her dad works every other weekend. Iv been called in but she was fine and made plans with her sister to take her shopping and have a girls day.

No a levels, she did an apprenticeship and works full time now
.

yes our relationship has been fab before this new girl.

No it really isn't. No 18 year old should be speaking to her parents like crap. It's unacceptable behaviour and should have consequences.

I would have never spoken to my parents like that at 18. Maybe at 13/14 but I had grown up by 18.

Ultimately she’s 18 and earning her own money, how much say are you expecting over her life and behaviour? Is it possible you’ve had her on a tight leash and her new friend has pointed out that actually she’s an adult and she’s being treated like a baby and this is the push back? You don’t have to subsidise her but have you actually all sat down and had a conversation about everyone expectations in terms of contributions towards the household? I recall being18 and my dad tried to give me a curfew, but I reminded him I had a job, was paying the rent I was asked, contributed towards keeping things clean and tidy, cooked meals in a rotation for the family especially when they were later home, and so whilst I was keeping up my side of things he had no grounds for complaints.

She doesn’t have a curfew.

I was paying her to watch her sister once.

Decent parents should never be spoken to like crap. At any age. I hate the normalisation of this.
I would be absolutely bloody fuming also.
She’s not just let you down she has let her sister down as well.
I agree that if she can’t contribute sensibly to family life then the perks of that are removed. Pay for less, do less. Hopefully she’ll snap out of it soon.

Iv received

“omg I fell back asleep”

And “it’s really not that big of a deal 🤨”.

Have you been able to talk to her today @AmusedLemonFatball?
From what you have said, I think you need to discuss with her about being an adult now and what that means within the family. You can remind her that you love her, but part of being a good parent is having loving boundaries and to have respect for each other and you expect that from her. You could point out how much she has changed towards you (don’t mention the friend, she’ll just get defensive) and that you wonder why? And then be silent to see what she has to say.