What are your house/life rules for your teens?

[AnotherNewNotebook]

I welcome others’ advice as I’m struggling a little, though when i see the situation in black and white, I’m not really sure why.

My two youngest are 14 and 15, and couldn’t be less alike. DD15 is a home bird, doesn’t want to be independent or forge her own path and is quite content to spend most of her time outside school at home either in her room, with her best friend or with us. DD14 is the opposite - actively wants to be out of the house and is happiest when she’s out with friends, having sleepovers and generally having the freedom to do her own thing.

This is fine with us - she has a big group of friends and while there can be the usual teen drama and fallouts, they’re a good bunch. We give the girls independence and freedom, within limits such as times to be back, no walking home in the dark, etc but if or when we say no, we do expect that this is respected as there will always be a good reason.

DD14 is a fab kid, but she’s starting to push boundaries - she’s vaped, has energy drinks and is now arriving home later than agreed, and while I don’t want to be Draconian, I’m really struggling to know how rigid to be on some of these rules. I’ve never been horrendously strict, and ours is the house a lot of their friends want to be, BUT I also want to make it crystal clear that if DD does something I don’t like - lying, vaping, smoking - there will be consequences.

I feel torn between clear rules and consequences, but also some flexibility to be a teenager and make mistakes. I want her to come to me if there’s an issue and not be afraid to get things wrong and be scared of being in trouble, but I also am a parent and want to teach her right from wrong, and how some things that aren’t a massive deal can quickly become more serious.

I’d love to know, how do you steer your kids in the right direction? Do you give them firm rules on everything, or give them autonomy and a chance to mess up, but with a ‘two strikes and you’re out’ approach? Where do you let them do things you’d rather they didn’t, such as drinking energy drinks, or having alcohol, and where do you step in with a stronger take on what is and isn’t ok?

And, what rules do you have generally? At 14, going into her GCSE years, do you have a time for them to go to bed, or insist on meals together as a family, or let them make their own decisions more?

I feel I should know this, but I’m feeling stuck and don’t want to do the wrong thing and either be controlling or too hands-off…

I try very much to talk to my teens about natural consequences, so talking about the medical effects of vaping, energy drinks, alcohol, lack of sleep. We talk about what they want to do in life and about how the choices they make now can affect how easy it is to get where they want to go. I emphasise that whilst I may be upset or cross, I will always listen and help them, and prefer to know the truth. I have minimal rules but knowing where they are and when they will get back is vital. I emphasise that I trust their judgment and talk about peer pressure and the influence on drugs on choice making. When it comes to consequences it is a mixture of natural consequences or we negotiate any ‘punishments’. I ask them what they did wrong, what the effect they think that has had (on me, other people, them, etc) and then ask them what their punishment should be. They often suggest a worse punishment than I was thinking! Generally we have had some major and minor challenges but now my 3 ds are all over 16 they seem to have settled into polite, kind and helpful young men.

This is great advice, and pretty much how I go about parenting my teens.

Also the reason behind any limits/rules I impose are explained. They might roll their eyes, because they think they're invincible masters of the universe, but they understand my reason behind each rule. Mine hate injustice, and anything arbitrary that doesn't make sense. If I explain the logic when they haven't understood it, they're more likely to make the right choice

My only hard and fast rule was always "don't lie to me".

'Don't be a knob'.

Covered pretty much everything. You know if you are behaving like a knob, so don't. Also, I get the final decision on what 'being a knob' entails.

So yes, you can go to a party at Emma's house and Dad will pick you up at 1am. But if you are drunk/vomiting, weeping and making a noise when you get in then you've broken the house rule.

If you finish something replace it whether it's the toilet roll or the last pint of milk.
Always look out for others.
If you are not home at the agreed time you have half an hour's grace or I'm sending the search party out.
If you come in late please please don't make so much noise you wake everyone else up.
Mum to 18 year and 21 year old sons.
And yes I did call the police once on my youngest son when he went missing and his phone was off.
He's never done it again

I think it’s useful to think about what are hard no’s for you in terms of behaviour and what you can afford to be a little more relaxed on and take it from there.

Mine is only 12 so I’m not at that stage quite yet. But I’m not going to lose the rag if she misses curfew by ten minutes, gives me some mild cheek or her room isn’t always tidy.

Hard nos for me would be vaping/smoking, drinking before 18 (sorry, it shouldn’t be seen as a ‘rite of passage’, it’s so dangerous and bad for them), drugs, any kind of crime, violence and lying.

Some things are more complicated. Underage sex for example. Apart from not allowing overnight stays, I’m not sure it’s the kind of thing you can prevent or punish as such. And I’d rather my child at 15 felt she could talk to me and we could discuss safe sex and contraception, if she’s doing it, rather than.feeling too scared or embarrassed to come to me.

I don’t give a flying fig if she thinks I’m strict and the parent that all the kids want to go to their house or not. I’m not her pal. Keeping her safe is more important.