Teenage daughter, when will it improve?

[Loveolives76]

How do some mothers manage to have a lovely relationship with their teen daughters?
Mine has been difficult for about 6 years now and is showing no signs of improving - she's almost 17.

She's had nothing much to do all summer apart from the odd day out with friends, but is extremely reluctant to help with any little job at home, most days I give her one or two small tasks, which she scowls and complains about.

She has an occasional job, which is giving her about 5 hours of work a week in the holidays, she moans about this because it's boring.

I have found out about another regular Saturday job through a friend, who has offered to put in a good word, but she's been complaining to her brother that she doesn't want to work there, and only wants a job working somewhere with her friends.

Whenever I suggest an activity to do together, such as baking, crafting, watching a film, she doesn't want to do it. Unless I'm taking her shopping, that's fine of course.

We will be paying for driving lessons soon, and also a very expensive 6th form trip coming up - if she gets in (that's another story - no backup plan).

I know teenagers can be selfish and ungrateful but I'm really starting to tire of it now. My older son has not been like this, and actually makes us feel loved and appreciated.

Why are you paying for driving lessons and the school trip (luxuries) when she’s moody and doesn’t want to work?

I wouldn’t be funding driving lessons and school trips if she’s turning down work just because it’s not with her friends.

Do you know her? Show genuine interest in her life, opinions and friends? Do you laugh with her and tell her you love her? Do you allow her independence (of thought and agency)?

Spoiled kid. Curtail her allowance. Make her fund her own driving lessons. Give her incentive and motivation to work.

Your daughter needs to grow up. At 17, she should be looking at working a job over the summer or at least some volunteer work. My DS pot washed at 17 and now at 18.5, works as a trainee chef at the same restaurant.

This

Aww, I’m sorry @Loveolives76

I look back at how I was as a teenager and I cringe. I took driving lessons as my god given right rather than a very expensive luxury I should have been darn grateful for. I resented the dance classes my mum signed us both up for and scowled and grouched by way through them. Looking back, it’s so obvious to me that she was trying to find a way for us to connect but at the time I think I thought she was attempting to control my hobbies, or something.

I am not sure that refusing to fund lessons etc will help the situation. I know for me I didn’t actually care if I had lessons or not; I only really saw the benefit later down the line. Likewise, refusing to fund the trip is going to further lead to relationship breakdown. Tbh, it sounds to me like you’re doing all the right things.

We will be paying for the first 10 driving lessons with a contribution from grandparents. After that we've told her she will be contributing towards the cost of further lessons. This is what we did for her brother.
We've told her that she now needs to be putting a lot of effort into getting a regular job. She only gets a small amount of pocket money from us.

I just want her to be grateful and accepting of her telling her this, instead of sullen and implying we are unfair.

I know she needs to grow up!

i would refuse to start the lessons till she gets a job that will provide her with enough disposable income to continue with them, otherwise it’s a waste of money.

and i’d pull her up on her attitude.

My DD is out and about continually with boyfriend and friends. As I see her infrequently, I find a lot of my brief conversations with her are administrative and therefore she feels like I’m nagging her every time we interact.

One thing that has helped is finding a long running TV show that we both like to watch together. It means we’ve got something low effort that causes us to hang out for a bit and that we can talk about. She will occasionally ask if I’m free to watch an episode, which makes me internally beam.

Probably to avoid me starting on another list of things she need to do, she will also come and tell me about the endless activities and various trials and tribulations of her mates, which I try very hard to pay attention to and ask her about now and again.

It will stop when you make it stop.