At the end of my tether with post A level DD

[Stopsnowing]

DD is awaiting A level results (predicted to do well and exams went well). She is taking a gap year and has a full time job lined up for September.
But she is so rude, moody and unhelpful it is really getting me down.
I know A levels were stressful and she got really tired but she is still mooching around not doing very much.
she has been on several holidays (funded by me
in s bid to cheer her up.)
She is barely helping around the house whilst
I work full time.
She has suffered from Anxiety in the past and so I sometimes feel like I am walking on egg shells. But at
the same time I think that she should pull her weight around the house, do some babysitting to have some
spending money over the summer, get out the house exploring our city. Start planning some uni open days.
I don’t want to spend the next year nagging, pleading or arguing with her or putting up with it and getting angry and resentful.
I have asked repeatedly for her to do basic household chores but she only does the bare minimum under
duress.
I wonder if she is depressed but her behaviour is very hard to live with.
I am not sure what I am asking here. I am really wishing she was off to uni this September.

Cut the money OP. It can be earned by doing jobs. She is an adult and just explain you are working full time while she is not, ask why she thinks it is ok for you to come home and cook and clean.
Is she exercising, getting fresh air?

Is she seeing friends at all?

did she do chores before now? are you giving her an allowance? can you make it reciprocal for help? who is she meant to be babysitting? just generally or her siblings?

A lot are away so she is seeing one or two once or twice a week and she is going on a short holiday
with one of them soon.
i appreciate it is a limbo period but I don’t think it would be unreasonable for her to help a bit around the house. See her friends, take advantage of the city we live in etc etc.
She has always struggled with having interests and liked the structure of school. She doesn’t have enough motivation to create a new structure.

She would help a bit around the house but was studying a lot. My expectation is that if she is not working she should help more around the house. She could try to look for local babysitting work but won’t even try. I give her some money but she gets quite a bit from relatives.

I pay for her gym membership but she barely goes. When I was her age I just got on a bus and went exploring- there is a lot of free stuff to do where we live.

Maybe let her wallow for a while and experience true boredom without in any way intervening or tempering it... then maybe some well-pitched other options...

My dd is the same age. The moodiness and not wanting to help, not wanting to do anything for me if she hasn’t done it. I have repeatedly given her chore expectations and remind her. And when she’s eaten her dinner (the days she’s home), asked her to tidy up. She also didn’t get a job. Too much going away.

Idk why you funded several holidays with zero expectations. Just tell her now, you’ve funded x, y and z and the least she could do is tidy up the kitchen the days she’s here. And down tools with the washing. Tell her you’re not doing it anymore. And if she wants help to ensure she knows how to wash stuff and know which items are delicate and could shrink if washed incorrectly, you’re available for that if she wants, for the next 6 weeks. If she’s anything like my dd, she will wait until she’s nearly run out of clothes before doing any.

My DDs had a part time job from 16. DD1 funded her own holiday from her job at 18, and DD2 is almost 18 and will be going away with her friends in a few weeks, funded by her work.

I never suggest activities though and let them do their own thing. When I was 18 if I wasn't working I'd sleep in for half a day and do nothing and then watch TV. It's normal. I'm glad my parents let me.

I have a DD the same age. I wouldn't expect her to be off exploring on the bus tbh, that's just not the sort of thing they do these days.

As she has a full time job starting in Sept I wouldn't nag her too much about babysitting either. My DD has done a handful of waitressing jobs but has basically had the summer off after studying hard for her exams.

It's reasonable to expect her to help with household chores though. This is the thing I'd focus on.

I'm in a similar position except he's not off to uni so potentially rattling round the house driving is all mad for months.

He had a moan at me for treating him like a child the other day - after barging past his brother and then kicking him. 🙄
I've spoken to him about having a routine/purpose but he's equally unmotivated. He likes the idea of helping /being helpful so I need to figure out how to tap into that.

Why should she change? Ok so you nag her a bit then she does a bit but really why bother? Nothing changes or impacts her if she doesn’t help around the house

Has she had growing chores and responsibilities throughout her life, ir are you expecting her to take them on after years of not doing anything?

Leave her alone.

I would also stop paying her an allowance as that won't be making her independent, which is basically the objective.

She isn't you and doesn't want to 'go exploring'.

Post GCSE DD doesn't seem friends as she didn't like anyone at school, has been on a holiday funded by me but now very industrious getting jobs and working to earn money. I would stop giving her money turn off the phone and take the remote with you to work..

She sounds absolutely burnt out. Bears hibernate and no-one thinks twice about it. Leave her to relax, she’s got the rest of her life to work full time and be stressed.

I’d expect her to clean up after herself at this age.. I also think it’s crazy that she’s just given money.

When I was young and clueless mum used to leave me a list of jobs to do at home and the expectation was that they were done by the time she got home from work. It was usually max an hour or two, and they could be negotiated out of existence or delayed if I had other plans. I was also expected to do big jobs from time to time - scrubbing down all the conservatory woodwork or whatever.

Would she be prepared to do the jobs if a list was left and a specific timeline given? For me, that used to make a big difference. I really didn't like being called down to do a job Right Now when to my mind it didn't need doing right now, why couldn't it be done later. But a list and a deadline was fine.

My post A-level 18 year old DS is revelling in the doing nothing for the summer holidays. He worked bloody hard studying for his A-Levels and he’s starting his degree apprenticeship in September so I’m letting him have the downtime with little expectation. He’s going to be working for the rest of his life.