When did your teens become more independent?

[SURREYmum2025]

At what age did your teens start to be more independent with going out. My two 14 year old twins are completely reliant on me to take them anywhere. They also want me to come with them to take them out. They absolutely Will not contact local mates (really nice kids) who live in walking distance of us to go and hang at the park or go out locally
All they want ro do is get the tube into central London and meet with school friends and then have me wait for them in a cafe until theyre ready.
I also work in a school and have a tonne of stuff to do at home that I cannot get done when I'm working.

What do I do!!!!

DC1 was regularly going out alone by y7. DC2 was quite a bit older - maybe y10.

I have a friend with identical twins and they only started going out alone after they started uni. Could it be a twin thing?

Goodness. How do they get to school? This is ridiculous. I used to travel into the West End on my own aged 12. My DC travelled independently to secondary school and went to friends houses or out with friends from age 12/13. They are together. Obviously you should have been encouraging them to be independent before this but you will have to be firm with them. How about going into town but then saying you can’t stay and they have to make their own way home?

Mine were late getting started (both ND and then Covid came along when they were 14 and 16) but they got there eventually and are absolutely fine now (uni age). They did both travel to secondary school independently (bus) but lacked social confidence for meeting friends and I did have to do a bit of travel training for them to be able to use buses and trains independently. They were both definitely older than most of their peer group for this though.

Sorry op but I would be saying no here. Not a chance would I do any of that for 14 year olds who could walk to their friends.

since my girls were about 12, if they are on holiday from school and I am working, my expectations are that there are no expectations from them on my time whatsoever both in regard to lifts, sorting anything out and also meals. I often would make the meal anyway, or can drive them places if I’m going there anyway etc but if I am in my office working, I would not tolerate at all them asking for a lift to a friends a mile away.

We don’t have a car - and live in zone 3. Two kids 13 and 15 (ND). Both v independent - walk to school, travel to west end, organise social diaries. During holidays there is an expectation they do jobs, clean ( for money- our cleaner is away). Term time and holidays they need to cook a meal a week. They also have a pet sitting business locally which they have set up (with some initial help from me ) but they are entirely responsible now.

Don’t they go out with friends after school? Get invited places etc? Surely their friends find it strange that they still want mum waiting around on them in cafés and holding their hand to get the tube? The only time I or any other parent waited around for DD and friends in town was when they were in Y7 and it was their first ever solo expedition. After that, they liked the independence and could safely be trusted.

Time to start forcing them out of their shell. If they don’t already get public transport to/from school then I’d start with that. Put an absolute stop to escorting them on the tube/in London - explain that they’re more than old enough to be on their own, clearly know the route, have safety in numbers if meeting friends and have mobile phones on them should anything go wrong. If they don’t like it then tough luck!

I would say that DD was overly reliant on me in terms of transport but this is partially down to where we lived and the fact that her grammar had such a large cachment area. Many of her friends lived 30 mins away on the other side of the city with no direct bus/train routes. Felt like a taxi driver at some points but that’s just life with teens really!! It’s not as if she was asking me to make plans for her & supervise etc - she was really independent in that sense.

By 14 she was regularly going out by herself and would get familiar buses etc but still isn't hugely confident going to new places.

I think she'd be willing to go to new places with friends but most of them are driven there so she cant.

I'm going to have her do some navigating on holiday. None of us have a clue where we are going so she cant rely on us.

About 11 when he went to secondary. Now he just tells me where he’s going and when he will be back. He does ask for lifts but knows to check the calendar to see what my plans are for the day to see if it’s feasible.

My two 14 year old twins are completely reliant on me to take them anywhere.

They are more than old enough to be getting themselves around independently by public transport. Stop taking them places unless it's somewhere you want to go too and stop hanging around in cafes waiting for them.

I said on another thread recently, when my sister and an were in our teens, the rule was if we wanted to go somewhere, we got ourselves there and back, or we didn't go.

Next time, as you drop them off you tell them they will have to make their own way home. Don't negotiate it in advance so they can pull out of going at all/manipulate you. You have better things to do, it is good for them to stop seeing you as someone who just does their bidding.

Their behaviour is very unusual for 14. I'm sure that a lot of 14yos would "like," the convenience and comfort of being chauffeured around but they would not assume that they get everything their way, that's growing up. They are safer than most as they aren't even on their own.

It's time to stop thinking that their development will always be guided by what they like doing and start parenting with the things you know they need to learn. Bonus of getting your own life back a bit.

My kids are like this but they are autistic, only they wouldn’t meet with friends but they want to go everywhere with me.

Thanks for all your comments
Actually today one of them wanted to go out and ive forced her ro take the tube alone with her friend and she seems OK so far. I think the problem is they were becoming independent towards the end of Y7. Then they started at the school I work in and its a huge catchment area which means that they cant just pop over and see their friends

They are dependent on me to get to school as the route crosses 2 major motor ways and there is no public transport

They have asked for bikes. I never had this issue with thier older siblings
....

About 12 for my oldest, just getting there with DS at nearly 15 but then he and all his friend group are neurodivergent so they have matured a bit later than others. He's started to sort seeing friends in his own and now is starting to plan to actually go out to places with them, eg visiting a museum

My son is 13 and has been going out locally with his friends for the last 2 years and most recently getting on the public bus to go into town

Mine were like this until i changed their school part of me regrets thus now as they seem to have lost some independence