Hi, I wondered if anyone could give some advice - I’m not being interfering and have not stepped in at all but I have concerns for my daughter’s boyfriend who is soon to be 17. I will refer to him as pip.
Pip lives at home with parents and 2 siblings, 1 is older of adult age, 1 is younger and another adult sibling who lives elsewhere.
Pip and my daughter see each other when they can so not to interfere too much with school/college but Pip mainly comes to our house which is fine and I always drop him home which is a 15 min drive - again not a problem, he is well liked in our family.
however, he’s been a bit down lately and quite distant which worried my daughter but we came to the conclusion after they sat down for a chat that his home life isn’t too great.
His parents seem to control every element of his life, they want to know the ins the out of every detail of his daily plans wether he’s visiting ours or a friends of just off doing his own thing.
the other day he was coming to ours but was initially catching the bus, however I was available so I contacted him and offered to pick him up to which he was grateful for. On picking him up he said goodbye to his mum and told her he loved her 2-3 times but she seemed a bit off, I thought no more of it and we made our way. Halfway home Pip receives a phone call from mum, Pip puts it on speaker phone and his mum is laying into him accusing him of lying to her, that apparently he lied that he was getting the bus, etc. He went quiet but apologised and again told her he loved her even after she had just accused him of lying - but he hadn’t lied at all, I had offered to collect him last minute and he hadn’t had a chance to inform his mum just yet until she walked through the door from work and I turned up also, she carried on accusing him of lying.
After this phone call, I asked if he was ok to which he replied ‘no’, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he said ‘yeah I do’. So we proceeded to talk about it and it was all to do with home life and that his parents have been off with him recently and all they ever do is dig at him. Now Pip is a decent lad, he has a little job, he’s just finished his GCSE’s and I suspect he would have excelled in them, he volunteers at his local school and helps his neighbours and babysits for friends kids, etc. We have no concerns over him seeing our daughter, he looks after her or being in our home - even my parents really like him and we’re all proud of the person he is.
he was explaining that his mum drinks on a regular basis to which initially explained that some parents do after a busy week but he said he knew that but mum becomes very aggressive when she does, he also said that there is no care within the house when his parents are having ‘their’ time with no consideration for Pip or his siblings over hearing, his parents constantly picking at eachother, and making Pip and his siblings feel guilty or the blame, taking his phone away for no reason (Pip isn’t into phones, he only uses it to contact my daughter and his friends and general stuff, he’s not on social media). He’s just been accused of lying again because he came to our house recently to babysit my youngest child and I initially told him I’d leave him a key in case he was early (due to bus times) and we were out but our plans changed so didn’t end up going out so no need to leave him a key but because he didn’t tell his parents this, he was accused of lying again! Whenever he gets down at home, he leaves the house and walks to the next village to kick a football about - thats his way of escaping. Whenever he visits our house and goes home, he dreads it! His whole body language just drains and my daughter tries to reassure him that it’ll be ok.
I asked him if he has spoken to his older siblings about it and he said that he hadn’t because he was too afraid to, but believed that at least 1 of them is in a similar situation except he drives and can escape a little easier but even then he is interrogated as to where he’s been or going. This sibling is looking into moving out asap to live with his other older sibling. This sibling recently had a hair cut to which his parents didn’t like and apparently made a big deal out of it (he’s an adult).
Pip also stated that of course he loves his parents but he feels that he has to say ‘I love you’ every time he leaves especially his mum or speaks to her on the phone otherwise he’d be made to feel bad for not saying it.
my daughter believes they are like it with Pip because of her, and they have said that I give him too much freedom - just to make clear, he isn’t my responsibility, he is still their responsibility but he is almost 17 so he is treated that way when he’s here. We always include Pip in any of our day out plans ie a theme park day (which is rare as it’s so expensive) and I always make it clear to him to make sure he clears it with mum and dad first and on the day I will always text his mum with updates.
There is sooo much more to this, but I wouldn’t be able to type it all but everyone I have spoken to have all said the same that there is a high level of control here and guilt tripping.
I know he’s 16 and they are his parents but he’s a nervous, anxious wreck. I do believe a small part of it is because he has a girlfriend and they maybe feel threatened(?) that they could be loosing him(?) and some trauma as the oldest sibling had a bad experience with his ex gf but my daughter rarely gets invited to their house and too be honest, my daughter is a little nervous to visit there now anyway.
it’s all very difficult to explain.
Is there any advice anyone can give me, or advice I can give my daughter or Pip?
I have told my daughter that there isn’t much we can do as he’s still a child and they’re his parents and their responsibility but I would do my best to get some advice.
Thankyou for reading.