Help with ungrateful teenager

[stupididiot12345]

I have a 13 year old boy who has turned into a typical teenage stereotype literally overnight.
mood swings
slamming doors
hiding in bedroom
not wanting to spend any time as a family
everything I say seems to be met with distain

my biggest issue though is that I get requests to pick him up/drop him off/can I have more time on TikTok/can you buy me some xyz

there are never any pleases or thank yous. For example he went out with a friend after school yesterday doing a hobby then back to the friends house to watch the football. I told him I’d rather pick him up before the football as then we could all watch it together and i also wouldn’t have to come out late as the football wouldn’t have finished until gone 10 and I had work early the next morning. Anyway, I reluctantly agreed to get him after But there were no thank you’s and just more demands to have more time on TikTok in between the messages to say I was on my way to get him. He was snappy and rude to me in the car on the way home so I confiscated his phone. This morning he barely spoke to me.

how can I maintain a good relationship with a teen who seems to not want to know me? I feel it’s more important to lay firm boundaries and ensure he knows I need manners, than be his friend and want him to talk to me. It seems I can’t do both. Te

Can't help you, but you have my sympathies. My 19yo seems to have just developed this attitude out of nowhere. His teen years have thus far been no bother, but appears to have developed top arseholery overnight.

A simple “whats the magic word” every time he requests something should solve it.

I feel your pain. On holiday with my three the youngest of whom is 17 and she’s just soooo teenagerish it’s driving me nuts. The attitude, the entitlement, the huffing. Getting right on my nerves. It does pass eventually though.

Just stop doing the things and calmly explain why.

no more lifts , Tik tok, extras etc until you show some manners and gratitude

Model absolute calmness yourself (eg no arguing back) so he knows strops and door slams don’t work. Do it often enough and stick to it , don’t give an inch, until he realises manners get him more than moods

good luck

Tell him respect costs nothing..unlike the public transport he will be using if he remains rude..
As dm's we do have power.

In the shape of lifts /cash/WiFi
Use your tools wisely.

No please no lift.

works wonders

Oh, I'd avoid the word 'respect' because he'll just come back and say the OP needs to earn his respect. Saying 'polite' or 'good manners' might be better.

And I agree to the withdrawal of the taxi service etc unless he can ask nicely and say thanks afterwards.

1. Don't get emotional & don't take his attitude personally. It's a waste of your energy to invest emotions in his mood swings.
2. ThnkUs & please are performative for most people, anyway. You'll waste a lot of your energy if you think demanding TYs & please is a priority.

This morning he barely spoke to me.. how can I maintain a good relationship with a teen who seems to not want to know me?

You're gonna hate me saying this... he's allowed to dislike you or anyone & the world some days. This is autonomy. He's not allowed to be abusive, you can draw the line firmly there, but sullen, scowling, grumpy, quiet, grunting, terse: let him have his feelings. Don't take his grumpiness personally, don't invest emotions in his mood swings. If you know you've been kind & responsible and provided responsive care, then you did your job as a parent.

A few rules with teens:

1. LISTEN. Any time they want to babble on or say something, be the person who clearly listens. Listen far more than you talk to them. Stop what you are doing if you have to, in order to listen. They learn to come back to tell you more... because they learn you are a good listener.
2. Stop telling them what to do if you can possibly avoid it. Fine to give them information "The bus will be here in 10 minutes" instead of "You need to get ready!" When you LISTEN, you can ask them about their priorities in making decisions and ask them if x or y matters more, but try to leave decisions to them. You want to become the person who they can talk thru their decisions with, not the person who just tells them they are wrong. Taking risks, making decisions, this is transition to independence. Especially don't tell them what to feel.
3. Emotionally detach, esp. from small stuff.
4. Almost forgot this but it's so useful... you can look for ways to remind them that they are loved and valuable people who deserve good things in life. And it's fine if you also see them as annoying gits but don't let them know that. You can encourage their ambitions & dreams & belief they deserve a good life. Kids with plans and dreams & better self-esteem make better decisions, because they don't want to screw up their dreams with bad decisions.

Honestly, I believe this is a job for dad/a male relative.

I have 2 teenage boys, and get a real sense that my love and support, while still vital, is fading into the background of what they need for development at this stage. Being guided into healthy, solid young men is something I can't do.

Are there men around to deal with him?

ps: I drew the line with "Always Listen" at about 1130pm some nights. Poor teens, their brains are exploding with thoughts at bed time like little toddlers, but I needed sleep too, lol.

Thanks all. I completely understand he won’t want to spend as much time with me/family/at home as when he was younger. I’m glad he has a life away from me and loves seeing his friends and doing his hobbies. We live in a big city though, so he needs lifts etc. I’m not comfortable with him getting across the city late at night independently so would always rather provide lifts. I don’t need him to like me, but I do wish he would appreciate the things we do for him and show some gratitude.

He seems unaware of how his moods and lack or manners are upsetting to others around him and I want to be able to teach him empathy and thoughtfulness.

it’s a tough gig, and we’ve only just entered the teenage phase. Please tell me the earlier they enter it, the earlier they come out of it???!

And yes, husband is a great role model but also sometimes struggles to communicate with him.

Keep feeding that loving relationship, even if you don't get anything in return. When this is over, and it will, your bond with him will be your greatest achievement as a Mum ❤️

You need a lot of patience, some very firm ground rules and gin.

It’s unfathomable to us adults how they can treat us like shit one minute and ask for a tenner the next. But it’s apparently all part of growing up.

He will grow out of it. He will, I am sure, turn into a very nice young man eventually.

My DD goes through phases of rudeness, coupled with requests/demands. I re-introduce a rule from her toddler days - if you don’t say “please” the first time, you’re not getting it. It’s a firm and steadfast rule, and it’s worked every time.
I teach all age ranges, and teenagers are hard work. You don’t have to be friends with them, or cultivate a relationship of any kind at this point. But hang on to the basics. It’s a “pick your battles” kind of time.

My youngest is 18 and I can definitely relate! I start work early but you can guarantee she'll suddenly find me useful around 10/1030 pm. I get up at 0430. I don't accept bad manners but it can be hard work. Going to miss her though when she goes to university in September.

Good news is he’s 19 and you can start talking to him about moving out. He will soon change his tune when the realities of paying his own way set in.

He’s not going to understand how his mood and behaviour impacts people around him unless you start telling him.

Your parenting window is closing. Use it wisely.

I have seven grown up children all now in there 30s. My attitude was, I do everything that you ask of me and all because I love you. I absolutely will not be spoken to like a piece of shit, I deserve better. If they didn’t address me nicely I refused to answer. Choose you arguments wisely and don’t pick one you absolutely can’t win.

I’m sorry but wanting to maintain a relationship does not mean letting go of basic manners.

I too have a 13yo and if they did not say please to a lift somewhere I’d ask them to say it. And if they did it again I’d probably not take them.

13yos don’t need 10 hours a day on TikTok. Stick to your limits. This will be part of the mood problem.

you’re their parent, not their friend. They have friends for that. Hard years now will be worth it in the future. Permissive parent never helped anyone.

Why is he even using tiktok at that age?

This, if mine ever spoke to me with attitude I would just say would you like to try that again? I do not do favours for people who treat me like shit. If your son wants a lift then he asks for it nicely.

We teach people how to treat us. If he talked to his mates this way he wouldn't keep them. If he spoke to his teacher this way he would be disciplined. So why do you accept it? Don't parent out of fear. They need firm boundaries. You only have to ask the rhetorical question of if you spoke to your teacher the way you just spoke to me what would happen? He knows the answer.

To quote a tv show, "I am your primary caregiver and I get the worst of you." You can love someone but hate their behaviour. Sit down with him and lay down some ground rules, say you would be much more amenable to extra time on TikTok etc if he treated you better and spent some time with you. We always insisted that meals were spent together. No choice.

Dh is 6'3" tall and I had two sons who I knew would be taller than me by 13. I got discipline in early and I laid out expectations. I expect this of you, that includes chores, no moaning. And they are unpaid just like real life. We also have a router that we can cut individual devices off from so we can still have internet whilst a child wouldn't.