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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD (16), her bf (18) and life. (Long sorry)

17 replies

Araldia · 22/03/2008 23:06

Our DD is 16, and has been with her bf for 4 months now. She has been considering sleeping with him, and I am lucky enough to have open communication with her on these matters. I advised her if she felt mature enough to take things further, she had to be mature enough to sort out contraception and STD protection, and went with her (on her request) to the dr to sort it out.
It will be her first time, she had asked if she could have him stay over one night at Easter (in Jan) if they were still together.
He is full of tall stories, and from a very different background to her, and this week got arrested for Intent to Supply cannabis. He turned himself in and gave a signed statement before getting ANY legal advice.
He was charged with a 18yr old female from his area, that he has been spending more time with (since bailed not to contact her) than DD. He failed to contact her for 6 days after saying he would. She has told him that she a) doesn't want to sleep with him if theres a risk of a jail term, and b) that she will end it if he gets a term, but he can't understand and is still pestering her about Easter.
I guess I am wondering how to go about this, I know she doesn't want to lose her virginity until the situation in the courts is over, but I am also aware that she will not be able to say no if he tries it on when we are not there. I also know that saying "he's bad news" will have the opposite effect.

OP posts:

Original poster

Araldia · 23/03/2008 07:15

I am also worried about how to help her get through her GCSEs while she is worried about the court case. He has said it's going to crown, and we don't know how to find out if it is or if this is one of his stories. Dd is criminally naive, and trusting.

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Anna8888 · 23/03/2008 07:19

I think you need to have a conversation in a general way about relationships and what women ought to be getting out of them. Because it sounds as if your DD is getting nothing out of this relationship - why does she let herself be treated this way?

LuLuMacGloo · 23/03/2008 07:53

It would be horrible to see her hurt when she's been so sensible so far! Putting aside the issue of the drugs charges, from what you've written about the other girl and his tall stories, it feels like your dd should be wary of this guy. Don't have any brilliant advice except to keep the lines of communication open - it sounds like you have done a great job so far.

Original poster

Araldia · 23/03/2008 11:11

It is her first "real" relationship, she doesn't go out anywhere to meet people, (although we try to suggest things, we can't force her) and she seems to feel that if she breaks up with him, she will never have a boyfriend again. I guess she is glad to have the attention. She didn't even complain when on her birthday she had to pay for him, her sister and her sisters bf to go out (sister paid her back, she wouldn't take money from us).

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Anna8888 · 24/03/2008 20:51

I think you would be an irresponsible parent to let your DD invite this so-called boyfriend to spend the night with her at your house. His behaviour towards her is terrible - you shouldn't condone it.

Sorry if that's harsh

Original poster

Araldia · 24/03/2008 21:11

Not at all, the problem is that we won't be there, not that we want it to happen, just that we have to drive 400 miles on the friday and back on the saturday to pick up one of our sons. There is no room for her in the car, and unfortunately, my husbands parents have alzheimers and manic depression so she can't go there as we would have normally arranged. Shes fine on her own for one night, but don't know how we can prevent him coming over.

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LuLuMacGloo · 24/03/2008 22:03

Is there any other place she could have the option of going to for the night - a friend she could stay over with or something? I would be reluctant to leave her in the circumstances (though totally appreciate the situation re husbands parents etc). It feels like she should have some kind of 'get out' clause which she can use against this guy if need be.

Original poster

Araldia · 25/03/2008 18:09

she's hoping that refusing to let him in will work, I will be having words with my neighbours and they should be able to check in, and she can go to them if he does show up. she doesn't have any friends outside of school, and her school friends she doesn't socialise with outside of school.

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Wisteria · 25/03/2008 18:13

God how difficult - it's great that you have that communication though. If it were me, I think I would have a chat about how she feels regarding this other 18yo girl for starters and the fact that she has saved her virginity for someone special......

Hopefully she will decide (on her own) that maybe he isn't a safe enough bet to give him something so special.

OTOH if she is going to sleep with him it will make little difference whether you allow him to stay over or not - those teenagers always find a way

madamez · 25/03/2008 18:27

If she is 'hoping that refusing to let him in will work', it sounds like she might be a little bit afraid of him. Has this come up in her conversations with you? I e that she no longer wants to go out with him but is worried about what he might do?
Can't offer much practicaul advice but just wanted to say that you sound like a great mum who is doing a really good job of keeping a trusting and healthy relationship with your DD.

4teenmum · 25/03/2008 19:09

I have 2 x 16 DDs who both sleep with their boyfriends at our house. One of the down sides of an open relationship with daughters is having to deal with knowing whats going on but it has to be better than not knowing. I also have a nephew who is a very nice boy but has recently been in trouble with the police. I think that you have to let your daughter make up her own mind. She sounds like a very mature girl - discussing contraception with you before she sleeps with her boyfriend for the first time. You could ask her if she would like to invite a girlfriend over for the night while you are away (maybe a cousin or friend of the family if she doesn't usually socialise with school friends). That gives her an opportunity to make an active choice not to be 'available' if her boyfriend calls.

nannyL · 25/03/2008 19:24

i agree with anna888

could you show her what you wrote in this post... what you hoenstly think and ask ehr what she thinks... she might then make her decision for herself

Anna8888 · 26/03/2008 12:23

I think you need to protect your daughter - it actually sounds to me as if she is asking for your protection. You should definitely not leave her alone at home if there is any risk at all of the so-called BF coming round and pestering her for sex.

LuLuMacGloo · 28/03/2008 22:23

Araldia - just wondering what happened about this? Have you gone away yet? I'm inclined to agree with Anna8888 - it does rather sound as if your dd is asking for protection/a get out clause. Let us know the upshot.

Original poster

Araldia · 31/03/2008 13:02

It's this weekend, and the neighbours are going to invite her around for mealtimes, one of our friends has offered to stay over that weekend, to make sure the house rules (no friends upstairs) are enforced if he does come over. That way it won't come back on her as being she doesn't want him upstairs and she can play the oh well maybe next holiday card. (She's only spoken to her bf once this holiday so far, so it seems she's losing interest, although she would never admit this lol). She still says she wants to sleep with him, but not until the court issue has been resolved.

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LoveMyGirls · 31/03/2008 13:07

She sounds very sensible and you sound like a loving trusting mother. I wish I had been as sensible as your dd is when i was that age.

Good idea about a family friend coming to stay can they have a girlie night with pizza, dvd, face packs etc

Original poster

Araldia · 03/04/2008 23:48

Just an update, the bf rang today to call off the relationship "for a break". Not sure if it's to do with the court hearing tomorrow, the fact his plans for the weekend have been thwarted or what, but DD is acting rather mature about it, with comments like "Oh well if he was only hanging around on the chance he will get sex he's not worth it."
Thank goodness shes got her head screwed on.

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