i love dd, but not sure i like her..

[razzie]

PLEASE HELP ME!!!does anyone else get this feeling? my dd aged 13 is a moody stroppy shouty young girl who can quite easily upset the whole peace of the family if she decides something hasn't gone her way or is not to her liking. we can be having a civilised conversation and then a chance remark by me or dp, will result in door slamming, shouting matches, pushing either me or dp etc. some days i could quite easily phone ss and say "come and get her!" i know you will say it is a teenage thing but at the mo i just don't like her.i get so angry that i can't even bring myself to speak to her and i know thats wrong as she has now gone to bed, after a muttered goodnight and i ignored her.now i feel bad and want to go and cuddle her. i just get this anger that makes me want to literaly shake her and say do you know what i do for you- yes i know it's not all about that; but for gods sake...HELP

If she pisses me of and believe me my 13 yr old dd can do that like no other person has ever been able to. I go ultra calm, I just say very calmly and quietly "I understand your feelings, I am sure if I was you I would feel that way to. In reality you are wrong and Tantrums are for four year olds.", but I do not say it in a sulky tone. As I say this, she normally walks away, I follow her and repeat myself. It works because it pisses her off. My SIL is a child psychologist and she says to listen to your childs tantrum and then you must also tell your child how you feel. The way to get them to listen is to speak in a quiet moderate tone and to repeat your self three times. I have tried this once or twice and it seems to work at the moment.

My 12 yo DS does this too...I tell him what my mum used to tell me when I did the same...I love you, but I don't like your behaviour. I also sometimes mimic his behaviour back to him, which we had demonstrated on PGCE. It works, as if you do it in a lighthearted and exaggerated manner, they look at you in amazement, then laugh, and for the most part once they laugh, they snap out of it and you can have a discussion about how not to achieve something.

There are times when I do find the teenage (almost), tantrums wearing, but their brains and hormones are haywire at this stage, and sometimes the battle isn't worth fighting...I'd rather win the war and have a normal human being at the end.

Hang in there, it will get better. Having taught in secondary, they tend to snap out of it by the end of year 9. Teenagers are also very egocentric at that age, it's almost as if they revert to toddlerhood to get them through being a teenager and out the other side. She won't have thought what effect she's having, and will look back on it and wince when she's older.

My mom used to say "I love you, but right now i don't like you" to me and my brother all the time when we were young teenagers.

I'm 26 now and she's my best friend.

Really.. its normal and you just have to bear with it.. when she is being rational, try talking to her and remind youself its the hormones doing this to her!

We went through it and now I have a strategy.

If there is an argument to be had, we don't have it there and then but both go away and think about it. We usually then discuss it when she is in bed as it's calmer then.

I have stopped ever raising my voice, if she raises hers then I do the opposite and talk more quietly.

Teenagers are inherently selfish.
Remember you are the adult and she is the child (it's a very hard time for them) so you need to control your temper by whatever means possible.

It will be over soon - my dd1 is now in yr 9 and things are much calmer.

I feel exactly the same way, razzie, and its hard living with someone you don't like very much. I do think the ultra calm thing is the way to go - just wish I could put it into practice every time. If I do lose it, it just ends up with both of us feeling bad. And its harder to make up again.

Its enough to make you feel nostalgic for toddler tantrums. In fact, sometimes I feel a bit less angry and more in control if I can just picture dd as a stroppy 2 year old refusing to get dressed or something. After all the behaviour is much the same.

That ability teenage daughters have to push exactly the right buttons is uncanny - no-one in the world has ever, ever made me as angry as my DD. I actually sat on her once (she was lying on her bed) and screamed in her face - I have some truly awful memories and she was the reason I first posted on MN.

The good news is that she's 18 now and I LIKE HER AGAIN!!!! We spend quality time together - we go shopping and neither of us strops off, she gives me valuable advice on stuff, I actively enjoy her company.

SO hang in there, be consistent and firm, don't do as I did and descent to her level and all will be well in the end.

You and me both Hassled - dd1 was responsible for my first post as well (aged 13 ). The teenage years definitely leave you wishing for the toddler tantrums again

thanks for your posts.

have just had another shouty strop, as i forgot to get something from the shops for her-oops.

however i said my piece calmly and without raising my voice, and although she still screamed and shouted at least it didn't go on for ages-and i'm not left feeling like crap- well not too much anyway!

will keep you posted and am glad that it's not just me who gets this kind of thing...from their beloved, most treasured, couldn't live without children-

Oh my DD(12yo) is the same (well worse of course ) She will happily wind up everyone in the house them announce she wants to run away. She has a habit at the moment of saying really hurtful things to us and then denies every saying it and will scream "I dont beleive this, you are always saying I said things but I didnt"
We are at the end of our tether and quite frankly dont know what to do next

She recently went away with her school and it was a lovely week hardly a cross word in our house, Her two bros asked if she could stay away it is such a shame as they both used to worship her but she has well and truely blown it!

We go to parents evenings and listen to the teachers saying how wonderful she is, last time we said "actually she is a little madam"
We have issues over every subject possible.

All my friends with DC her age comment on the amount of homework they get now either my DD is a blardy genius and doesn't need to do any work or something is going on. Her grades are excellent so why isnt she getting homework?

She thinks nothing of going into school late because at 8.20 she will decide to run a bath! She then expects us to give her a note!

She refused to eat breakfast. then moans abut being hungry.

She tells her younger Bro rude things and signs.
She stood in the bathroom one day combing her little bits of pubic hair with a eyebrow comb! All infront of her brother who was visable shocked but it.

Oh I could go on and on but I need to do some ironing!
Sorry for rant , thanks to MN for letting me vent!

Phew...I drove into work this morning thinking my dd (who is nearly 15!) was the worst child on the planet. I'm just so glad I'm not alone.

We can't finish a discussion even in an even tone, because she stomps off slamming doors after her. Then later she can be lovely.

Roll on the next few years!!!

I agree with MrsW, its tough on younger brothers & sisters. DD2 can't stand the shoutiness and withdraws to her bedroom. Mind you, we now sometimes have the significant silence and evil stares instead (dd1 could sulk for britain) which is still unpleasant but more peaceful. BTW, if your dd isn't being a stroppy little madam at school i tend to think you must be doing something right.

Thanks bravesmile but sometimes its blardy annoying, listening to her teachers saying "oh arent you lucky, I bet she is a real help to you, blah blah blah, she is always so cheerful and will lend a hand even in her break time!" God forbid I even ask her to pop her washing in the basket its grab your hard hats and prepare yourself for a loud noise

I am adopting the "please dont shout at me" and "sorry but I'm not going to argue with you"

Tonights drama was because she wanted to go out to a group but has been off school today as she said she felt sick but she got suddenly better at 5pm!

oh the joys of motherhood !!

Mrs Weasley you could be describing my dd (12).

She is an ANGEL for everyone else, and a devil at home (not all the time, but when she goes, she really goes)

We have started saying to her in the throes of one of her tantrums 'How would you feel if could see you behaving how you are behaving now?'

She was really taken aback when we said it..it shocked her into calming down and actually thinking about how she responds to things.

I also followed through on a punishment I had threatened (a cancelled sleepover) as she had lied to me about her homework.

I refused to feel guilty and she was like a flippin barrister cross examining me and trying to catch me out, or change my mind. I think they are like toddlers and need the discipline to match!

so glad I'm not alone but sad for us all now

I try and start each day with a clean slate..but it takes super human effort.

Pity we can't just pack them all off to Hogwarts - boarding school seems like a very attractive idea at the moment (but completely out of the question). Jammi, this sounds terrible, you REALLY don't need this when the baby's born (or any time tbh) I just wish I had an answer. I've given up trying to avoid the confrontations with dd, mainly because it doesn't work. Whatever I say it'll be the wrong thing, so no point in creeping around trying to keep the peace. But I still hate that feeling of wondering when the next outburst is going to happen.

Well my DD is on contract, her father is paying for it ( split up)
Im seriously thinking about cutting her off becuase of all the Phone calls she is making to different boys, I am seriously worried of the fact she is only 15 and that she might get pregnant
I was 20 when i had her and it was a bit of a struggle and i dont want her to end up like me when i was young and just wanted to have fun
Every weekend she is going out with boys and i dont know where she always tutns of her phone or dosent answer to me and then i get worried
If she is having Sex I Sure hope she is ising a condom!!