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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My DS15 is a SMOKER!!!!

23 replies

FrancissDraygon · 15/06/2021 23:38

Hey.
So- I have just found 2 packs of cigarettes under my DS15's bed. I have warned him about the dangers of smoking and he said that his friends got him into it. (Smoking). Should I let him keep smoking, or should I say NO?

My only fear is that he is addicted. And me taking them away will make him hate me forever and ever? Please. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
stressfuljune · 15/06/2021 23:45

Stop him now. I wasn't stopped at similar age. Addicted then for 20 years. Horrendous waste of money and control over life

ChrissyPlummer · 15/06/2021 23:46

Where is he getting the money? I think they’re about a tenner a pack these days. It’s illegal for him to buy them and illegal for a retailer to sell them to him. Your house, your rules if you don’t want him doing it in/around your home.

TaraR2020 · 15/06/2021 23:46

And me taking them away will make him hate me forever and ever?

He won't. He's a teenager, he might say it but it won't be true and any feelings of anger or frustration won't last.

He will see you parenting him and laying boundaries, which he needs.

Have you considered part of him might be relieved? Maybe he actually wouldn't mind an excuse to push back against the peer pressure - blaming you would be ideal.

Of course, he may keep smoking away from home and you have limited control over that, but lay down the law and don't budge from it.

In case it hasn't come across, of course you shouldn't give in!

SisterAgatha · 15/06/2021 23:49

Smoking is seriously uncool. Explain that to him, his friends aren’t doing a cool thing here, they aren’t being oh so bad and illicit and pushing boundaries.

It’s the most mundane and boring way to rebel. There’s so many edgier and cooler ways to behave and none of them involve smoking, they all involve being yourself and standing up to peer pressure.

Take the fags away but give him something else instead, like self worth.

VienneseWhirligig · 15/06/2021 23:53

You need to forbid it, but get him help to quit now before his health suffers. My DH started as a child (a lot younger than 15 admittedly, he was under 10) and died from lung cancer. It isn't a nice way to go and is horrific to witness. I found out that my DS had started smoking at 19 due to the influence of colleagues at work and his own depression making him self sabotage. I offered him understanding and love, bought him a vape and we talked about why he had started, why he had hidden it (shame and fear that I would be really hurt given it killed his dad) and how he could stop. One of his dad's big regrets was not stopping earlier than he did before any damage was done. I was really angry and worried inside, but tried to come across as calm but firm on the effects on his health. Lockdown has helped a bit because he was furloughed, and didn't have the social context of smoking at work, but he doesn't vape that much now (I don't mind him vaping in front of me) and I've not smelled cigarettes on him like I did before.

LadyGAgain · 16/06/2021 06:22

Please stop him if you can. The health issues that smoking causes are hideous and if you have ever watched the demise of someone due to smoking (I have), you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.

Original poster
FrancissDraygon · 16/06/2021 14:49

@ChrissyPlummer

Where is he getting the money? I think they’re about a tenner a pack these days. It’s illegal for him to buy them and illegal for a retailer to sell them to him. Your house, your rules if you don’t want him doing it in/around your home.
I think his friends are buying them ( he is Very popular). So this may be y (why)
OP posts:
Parker231 · 16/06/2021 14:52

Cut them up in front of him, restrict his access to these friends and make sure that he doesn’t bring any cigarettes into the house. Check his pockets. It’s worth going in really tough now to stop it before it’s a disgusting habit.

Foobydoo · 16/06/2021 14:58

Friends may share but wouldn't give him two packets, that is expensive.
My dd smoked at 15, she has terrible anxiety and ASD and it helped with this. I told matter of fact but non punitive approach. We discussed the dangers, the cost, the wrinkles and premature ageing it causes. I told her I never wanted to see her smoke or to see cigarettes lying around. I also got her a vape and we discussed that whist it is considered safer than smoking there is not enough known yet about the possible dangers of vaping.
She is 17 now and hasn't smoked for over a year. She now hates the smell. She does occasionally vape. I wish she didn't but it is preferable to smoking.

multivac · 16/06/2021 15:07

@SisterAgatha

Smoking is seriously uncool. Explain that to him, his friends aren’t doing a cool thing here, they aren’t being oh so bad and illicit and pushing boundaries.

It’s the most mundane and boring way to rebel. There’s so many edgier and cooler ways to behave and none of them involve smoking, they all involve being yourself and standing up to peer pressure.

Take the fags away but give him something else instead, like self worth.

Bless. Yes, mum is definitely the one who will convince the peer-pressure-led 15-year-old what is and isn't 'cool'... Grin. I mean, you're right, of course, but he's 15 and mum is, like, OLD!
Mumoblue · 16/06/2021 15:14

Really don’t get why anyone STARTS smoking these days. It’s expensive, it smells and it kills you.

I would have a talk with him about how he can quit, take him to the GP for help quitting if he needs it, but there’s no way I’d let him carry on smoking.

SisterAgatha · 16/06/2021 18:27

I can tell you now I never smoked once despite hanging around with all the smokers because I just looked at them and thought, what weak minded idiots, why are they so bothered about getting their validation from other morons. It wasn’t pushed on me at all because everyone knew I wasn’t desperate to fit in.

My Mum had the same talk with me and was a smoker herself. And brilliantly self worth works for not just smoking but all peer pressure Wink

multivac · 16/06/2021 19:18

@SisterAgatha

I can tell you now I never smoked once despite hanging around with all the smokers because I just looked at them and thought, what weak minded idiots, why are they so bothered about getting their validation from other morons. It wasn’t pushed on me at all because everyone knew I wasn’t desperate to fit in.

My Mum had the same talk with me and was a smoker herself. And brilliantly self worth works for not just smoking but all peer pressure Wink

Good for you. The OP's son clearly is keen to fit in. Such a shame he doesn't have your evident strength of character. Or your mum.
PasstheBucket89 · 16/06/2021 19:27

Im no longer a smoker, i smoked from 13-29 yrs
You can forbid it, in your own home, i. e no smoking in the house or the garden
in terms out outside that, hmmm
the 'don't give them any money' is floored because from experience , you still have the addiction to seek out, but without money he could end up desperately tapping up adults with not the best intentions. at least paying from a shop prevents that.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 16/06/2021 19:27

I started at 14 but didn't like it really. Stopped by 18.

Monkeyrules · 16/06/2021 19:32

Definitely he will not hate you. Help him give up now. My sister was caught smoking as a teenager. My dad grounded her for 2 months, stopped giving her pocket and lunch money and used to drive her to school and walk her to the school gate so she wouldn't smoke. It was extreme but it worked.

Alternatively pp suggestions to contact your GP are a good idea.

Would it also be worth contacting the school so they can keep an eye out for your son too?

Monkeyrules · 16/06/2021 19:34

This is extreme but there's some awful videos on YouTube of smokers who have had life changing surgery due to smoking related diseases. Would this motivate your son to stop?

ShortRecess · 24/06/2021 22:46

DS1 started smoking when he was 13. I went mental at first, grounded him, stopped money etc, it made no difference and I was constantly rowing with him about it. I decided to take a different approach and was so leased when he gave up after about a year. It was his choice to stop, I incentivised him with extra pocket money for the first few weeks to show him what a financial difference not smoking makes. He is a very money aware person and so playing to the financial element really worked well for him.

CupOfTPlease · 24/06/2021 22:53

My distant got caught out at 12!!! My mum was mortified.

She fell off her bike apparently that's why she had a cigarette burn on her clothes. She fell onto a hot cigarette that someone didn't put out 🤥.

CupOfTPlease · 24/06/2021 22:53

Sister*

WorraLiberty · 24/06/2021 22:58

He may be 'popular' but I can't see his mates buying him over £20 worth of fags.

BarbarianMum · 28/06/2021 13:30

Well obviously you should let him carry on OP Hmm What's a lifetime if ill health and an early death against a teenager being cross with you?

gillysSong · 28/06/2021 13:34

Why would he hate you forever, he's 15 they all hate parents at this age anyway.
You need to step up and parent, not be worried that he may not like it.
He's obviously getting the money from you, seems an easy enough problem to solve.

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