I hope this isn't long, I'll try to be brief and not drip feed but so many feelings floating around right now.
My DD turned 13 in Sep. She lives with me and my partner 50% of the time and with her dad 50%. We also have a son of 9 with same arrangements. My partner has two sons who also have same arrangement with us and their mum.
DD has always been very compliant at infant and junior school. Quiet, gets on with her work, no issues. She then starts high school and practically overnight becomes an issue behaviour wise. Starts off silly, chatting etc. We spoke to her at home on numerous occasions although she could never give any information as to why she was being silly, disruptive, chatting etc. We put it down to the bad influence of another girl and the big change of going to high school.
Over time it gets worse and she is throwing paper at other students, ripping pages out of her books, being rude to teachers. We have an app where we are told hour by hour what she is doing. At home we start to remove her phone, (although she isn't on it much), and uses it to put her meditation on her speaker at night so doesn't really work as a punishment from that point of view. We can't stop her seeing her friends as she doesn't really see them out of school (has done once), although we have tried to use positive reinforcement and encourage them to come over if she has a better week at school.
We noticed that she seemed to hold it together at school if she does more exercise so we tried to do loads more with her. This has been harder as it's got colder and darker. Interestingly her PE teacher raves about how good she is behaviour and ability wise.
The school report she "is a girl of two halves". Can be lovely and is very bright. However can also be so rude and yesterday said "not safe to be in school" as she chucked hand sanitiser at someone. She is adamant this was not her and we are in the process of getting CCTV checked.
I spoke to GP when all this started as Tourette's is in family and also wanted autism explored as school said she displays no empathy. I'm not sure about this but she can be a little detached and finds affection and eye contact hard. However not much evidence of much else being explored at school apart from the fact that she now has a well-being officer who speaks to her once a week. They also put a referral into a mental health team although I have explained that they won't assess for NDD.
I've been through everything with her, asked if she is unhappy with living arrangements, does she want them changed etc, all she says is "no I'm fine" and if you ask about behaviour at school she says "I don't know".
I've been angry, sad, compassionate, I've tried to ignore it, tried to just focus on the positives, more exercise, tried consequences at home etc etc, all to no avail.
At home she's lovely, kind, helpful and mostly a joy to be with. When she is due on her period she can be a little moody but nothing spectacular. Her behaviour at school does get worse around her period. She struggles in crowds and shops, finds it "stressful".
We are thinking about de registering her and trying to teach at home but this is a huge step and one I want to consider carefully. Expecting a call from the school at 11 to discuss a plan forward.
Any advice? I'm really struggling and more importantly, so is she, and I really need to check other's opinions in case I'm not seeing the wood for the trees. Thanks in advance 