Very worried about my DS16.
Background: very bright, musically gifted, ASD, very stubborn. Has a few friends and people he sees through music activities, but not really close friends. Seems very keen on trying to get himself a girlfriend. year 11.
Behaviour: has always been stubborn and selfish. Lately swears all the time (no sentence doesn't have fuck in it). If we try to do any 'parenting' asking him to get up in the morning, get dressed, come to the table etc at best we get 'fuck off' and at worst we get a pounding. I am physically covered in bruises. Back in the summer he kicked my husband and cracked a rib.
Behaviour deteriorated over the course of lock down / remote learning, as did the attention to school work and we had a crap summer (younger sibling had an accident and it scuppered what few plans we had for having a bit of a break/ some fun). He was actually looking forward to getting back to school for the routine but I think there's now a lot of pressure and it's made him worried about his exams (he's Year 11) but at the same time reluctant/unable to do much work. He comes home from school and slumps on his bed on his phone for hours. He's missed a total of 8 days school because he's been unwell (tonsilitis, 3 days or so) and says he's depressed (accounts for the other 5 days off - he was physically well enough but basically refused to go in and we couldn't do anything about it). School have been amazingly supportive and agreed to no more work than necessary, and clear instructions (something he finds hard with ASD). They haven't given us a hard time about his 76% attendance.
Bargaining and compromise doesn't work. We've limited his phone time (by using a screen time app) which he resents. He would stay up on his phone all night if we didn't switch it off - he has no self-discipline at all. Today I had the idea to have a discussion with him (misguided I now realise) that if he can write himself a schedule for the week (its half-term and he has mocks when he goes back) then we can agree to when he can have use of his phone. He basically went mad and punched me, and then said he might as well kill himself.
As regards help: we've found him various websites including childline. He will have school counselling after half-term. He's also going to be discussed at an Early Intervention meeting at school. He's being referred by school to CAHMS and also referred by school to 'Family Wellbeing' (branch of social services), AND the borough ASD team are aware of the problems and there's a course for me to go on at some point soon. So, not as if people are not trying.
I've looked at his phone from time to time (I know this is a contentious issue among parents and I don't like doing it but I do need some insight into what's going on) and he has slagged us off to his Aunt. I'm happy he has a kind person to confide in but I'm not altogether happy with what she's saying to him (not telling him anything outrageous but suggesting medication etc which is absolutely not her business to do). But I don't want to break the confidence there or he'll hate us even more.
So, basically, do we just stand back and let him do exactly what he wants to do. We can provide food and clothes and shelter, and then just completely back off. He accuses us of not giving a shit but nothing could be further from the truth. I've invested a lot of time and care in trying to sort out the school side of things, but he's not even meeting us half way. I'm truly worried that he will flunk his exams and - the worst of it - he'll look back at this time and really regret it.
And, if there is a trigger which has made it all worse in the last few weeks, there's also some really toxic girl whom he kissed, and then she dumped him. It's obviously hurt him but it's not worth throwing his future away for. But I can't say that as I only know because I've been checking his phone. He doesn't tell us anything. Except how much he hates us.