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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Terrified DS is going to get gf pregnant

24 replies

overthinkingmyoverthinking · 09/07/2020 08:43

DS is 15 and his GF is 14, they've been together for almost a year.
We had the contraception talk early on in their relationship and encouraged DS to not have sex yet, to wait as long as possible, as they're both very young. It came to light a few weeks ago that they've had a couple of 'fumbles', (although could have gone all the way for all I know, I know teenagers can lie and minimise!) and I'm paranoid she is going to end up pregnant. They seem utterly obsessed and infatuated with each other, they get carried away in fantasies about the future and getting married and goodness knows what else which I know is somewhat normal for teen romances, I feel they could easily get carried away and forget contraception or just not bother. This could all be heightened anxiety on my part as I had DS towards my late teens myself so I know how easily it can happen. I just don't know if I should have more of a chat with DS about this or whether I need to just get a hold of my own concerns here.

OP posts:
ICouldBeTheOne · 09/07/2020 08:46

I'd have some more serious chats with him about contraception.

CodenameVillanelle · 09/07/2020 08:49

Keep the conversation going. Does her mum know they are sexually active? Is she on any hormonal contraceptives? Does DS have condoms available and does he know how to use them?

whenwillthemadnessend · 09/07/2020 08:50

Get him some. Tell him your NOT encouraging this. As they are both under age and technically breaking the law.

Explain your not stupid so your rather he protects her and himself from pregnancy and disease. Better to have it and not use it than not have it and pregnancy occurs.

Isadora2007 · 09/07/2020 08:50

Talk to him. Ensure he knows how and when to use a condom. Ensure he knows that fumbling can lead to pregnancy. If he is too embarrassed to talk about it he’s too young for sex. Be afraid as statistically he is more likely to impregnate someone than a son of a non- teen mum. I say that as a granny at 42.

HandsOffMyRights · 09/07/2020 08:55

I wish my parents had done this when I got pregnant as a teen.
Keep talking.

malificent7 · 13/07/2020 12:35

I would actually tell him how inappropriate it is to date a minor and if he had sex he would be breaking the law. If my dd dated a 16 year old at 14 i would not be happy and i would be having words.

malificent7 · 13/07/2020 12:36

Sorry just saw he was 15....not 16. Tricky...i would remind him of the law.

dobbyssoc · 13/07/2020 12:43

Is it a case of they are in the same year just a couple of months birthday difference?
I'd sit down with him and have a long chat. I'd also purchase some condoms to keep in the house as a I'm not condoning but they are there as I'd rather my son had readily available protection then do it without!
Make the conversation a friendly one don't make it awkward (or make it as lest awkward as possible) remind him gently of the law etc

NoSquirrels · 13/07/2020 12:43

Can you also have the chat with his GF too?

AmIAWeed · 13/07/2020 12:46

I appreciate @malificent7 got the ages wrong initially but at some point he will be 16 and the girlfriend 15 - at that point he could very easily be charged.
There are no easy answers, I was young when I had my son so I know your fear, I focus on describing the life I would love him to have in comparison, so for me, I was in a crappy house, first job, no money...now I've been working 16 years, have a good career and can afford things. So I focus on that, I wish I was where I am now when I had you, I wish I could have been able to do XYZ with you.
Luckily he hasn't had a serious girlfriend so I've not had to be concerned about him rushing to be a grown up and trying to get all of life's experiences done by the time he's 18.
It's great your son can talk to you. I hope the girlfriend can talk to her parents or you as well

SoupDragon · 13/07/2020 12:47

at some point he will be 16 and the girlfriend 15 - at that point he could very easily be charged.

It's very unlikely.

AmIAWeed · 13/07/2020 12:49

He could if they split up, which at that age is sadly highly likely

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2020 12:49

He’s not going to be charged if it’s consensual and a long term reltionshp for gods sake, no more than she is.

Thesearmsofmine · 13/07/2020 12:54

I think chats about contraception and how hard a baby at a young age would be(you can speak from your own experiences) invade they have any romanticised views about it!

Thesearmsofmine · 13/07/2020 12:54

incase*

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/07/2020 12:56

Please buy him some condoms.

jammyjoey · 13/07/2020 12:58

What's the possibility of meeting her parents, maybe a chat to the mum about your worries? You don't have to tell her anything you, just say you were that age once and know how easily mistakes can be made

SoupDragon · 13/07/2020 13:06

@AmIAWeed

He could if they split up, which at that age is sadly highly likely
He really wouldn't.
WeAllHaveWings · 13/07/2020 13:28

All you can do is talk to him (and buy condoms)

Talk to him about the fallout of starting a sexual relationship so young, for him and her, when they are not emotionally mature enough to handle it if it all goes wrong/one of them wants to split up later.

Talk to him about if they do go ahead, if he loves/respects his gf, the best thing he can do for both of them is to make sure they take all the precautions possible to ensure a pregnancy doesn't occur.

Talk about withdrawal/rhythm/can't get pregnant first time myth/doing it standing up methods and how they are very unreliable, especially with a teenage girl who won't have a regular cycle. Talk about not trusting hormone contraception alone at this age, his gf could forget/have a tummy upset/antibs and not realise it could affect it and doubling up contraception is being responsible.

Talk about if they do get carried away or have a contraceptive failure (split condoms) to not hope for the best, get the MAP as soon as possible and if they can't get to a pharmacy he can tell you and you won't judge, just help.

I wouldn't talk to her parents, they have a teenage daughter in a long term relationship, of course they will be aware and having the same conversations (hopefully) at their end.

CodenameVillanelle · 13/07/2020 13:28

@AmIAWeed

He could if they split up, which at that age is sadly highly likely
He won't be charged. There are many awful potential consequences of underage sex but this isn't one of them.
NC4Now · 13/07/2020 13:34

How do you get on with his girlfriend? I’d be having ongoing open conversations with both of them and making sure they had the information to make wise choices. Eg. DS girlfriend felt awkward speaking to her family doctor, so I gave them details of the under 25s health service in town and they went together.
I think with teenagers, the ‘sit down, I need to talk to you’ approach goes in one ear and out the other, but repeated open discussions (in our house often prompted by something on TV!) seem to filter in.

BestZebbie · 13/07/2020 14:09

Yes, what NC4Now says - also if the gf is at your house frequently, can you show her baby photos of DS (!) / talk about her thoughts on her GCSE options etc etc and then reminisce about how your life was changed by having a child in your teens?
Obviously not telling her "he ruined my life" but about things it was harder to achieve for you/increased distance from peers/responsibility/money/possibly not having control over having the exact things you wanted for the baby etc, and how it makes you happy to see that she and your DS will get to have the things that you missed out on.

stroopwafelgirl · 13/07/2020 14:32

Sit him down and walk him through a household budget. How expensive it is to run a home independently - rent, food, council tax, WiFi, tv license, utility bills etc. That’s just for the grown-ups! Then bring into the mix nappies, nursery furniture, clothes, formula, nursery fees etc. Make him understand how hard it is for adults to get a job that covers all of those costs. Make him understand how little people get when they’re on benefits, and that you don’t just automatically get handed a house. Tell him that even mates with the best intentions won’t be that keen on socialising with a newborn around. It’s way more than just emphasising the importance of contraception imo - it’s about acknowledging the potential consequences.

hedgehogger1 · 13/07/2020 15:12

I would honestly get him to put a condom on a cucumber. I have been known to get my older tutor groups to attempt to say out loud "do you have a condom?" Pointing out if they can't say it to their other half then they should not be considering having sex

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