Dd (13) with bad hygiene - how to make her getting better ?

[Italianmoma1983]

Please don’t judge me as I feel like a shit parent enough. Dd just turned 13, 2 month ago. She doesn’t wash regularly, doesn’t change her underwear everyday..etc. Kids at school told her she was smelly and yet it didn’t make her change he ways. I have encouraged her to take a bit more care about herself, I bought her nice toiletries. I have nagged her, I have begged her. I’m so worried she is going to get bullied because of it. Her hygiene was not great before school stopped but now it got worst. I’m at my wits ends with her. She doesn’t wash because she is lazy I believe. Any tips ? Or hopeful stories ? Thank you

You’ve given her all the tools to keep clean so you will have to leave her to it. My friend has a dd exactly the same age who is doing the same. It’s causing a lot of friction as her mother won’t let it go.

No way would I let this go. I'm not strict at all and both my children (teens) revert to soap dodging ways when there isn't school but showering before school is an absolute must. There must be something you can do? For mine I unplugged the wifi router and withheld breakfast until they had both showered. We had some huge standoffs but in calm moments I asked them did they really want to be known as the smelly kid from their school for their entire lives? (I'm sure you can remember who it was when you were in school). Its actually quite sad looking back to think that Jane Jones (not real name) was probably being neglected. Unfortunately as horrible as high school children were she was relentlessly bullied.

I just got her her favourite jo malone scent shower gel version so I hope it will also help a bit and we are going to decide on a time when she must have a shower otherwise she will lose her privilege.

Shower every day at X time.

Can be different on the weekends if she is up earlier for home learning in the week. You cannot let this go. She either puts all clothes outside the bathroom door so you can put her knickers in the wash (to start with) but you need to see that she is changing her pants. She gets to choose either a nice smelling or a non-scented body wash. You need to tell her exactly what she should be cleaning and why. I have teenage boys, they shower every day. I tell them they need to pay attention to their arse cracks (poo particles) and their foreskin, sorry but they need to know.

I hate to say it but it will be flagged in school as safeguarding for neglect. You really don't want that any more than you would want her to be known as "smelly (insert name)" for the rest of not only her school days but forever more.

Yes I have had this with my DD she is a lot better now at 15 1/2 and goes in the shower of her own accord. But it was an uphill battle with lots of arguments and she stank of BO. I got her some nice toiletries from Lush and the Body shop which made no difference at all. I read on hear about shield soap so we got some of that and a roll on deodorant with no smell (she didn’t like the smells of the spray ones or the Mitchum roll ons I had got her) so she wasn’t using them!!!
Yes we had a smelly X and smelly Y at Secondary school.

My dc same age wouldn’t wash if I didn’t make her do it. I tell her in advance she’s having a bath/shower at a certain time. I have to be strict about teeth at certain times too. It’s a constant battle but non-negotiable.

Yes I do collecting the dirty washing as well.

Your DD may be sensitive to perfumes. One of my DCs was and so the usual scented body washes and deodorants gave them huge headaches. Even scented laundry soap did that. So they started to avoid showering and preferred wearing same clothes longer.

You could ask and see if perfume is what is putting her off? For mine, once I got natural bar soap, baby shampoo, unscented deodorant and mild laundry soap (no fabric softener), they were happy to shower every day and change clothes every day. And so we avoided them being smelly.

I remember this. I think I even posted it when dd was 13. She's now 19 and it didn't last forever. Changed around the 16-17 year old stage. I did all the 'but people will think you're smelly' thing. Didn't work until she herself started to get bothered by it. Btw, re a safeguarding neglect issue, even if raised, you'd just explain to the school (might work if a member of the pastoral team had a quiet word with her). It wouldn't go further re social services as a smelly teenager by itself wouldn't meet their threshold ... thankfully.

She needs a routine. Sit down with her and work one out together.

When my DD started senior school we took the time she needed to be out of the door in the morning and worked backwards so that she had enough time to do all the things she needed to do - which included having a shower every morning as soon as she got up, then dressed with clean underwear and shirt + deodrant.

No screens no breakfast until she showers every single day when she wakes up. It needs to become a habit.

No screens no breakfast until she showers every single day when she wakes up. It needs to become a habit.

Oh and you may need to prompt about hairwash. Long hair to be washed in the evening otherwise the drying is an excuse it to do it. So yes, 2 showers that day! She'll soon get used to it and will be able to decide for herself when hair needs washing.

Yes to no screens, DD allowed to check the weather on her phone at breakfast and to see if there are any bus issues. IF there is time after everything is sorted she can look at tiktok or whatever. Bag packed the night before, clean things laid out on chair/desk etc.

Short hair can be washed in the morning 😁

I was talking to my mum and dad earlier. They can both remember the names of the smelly children in their schools and they can still remember. They in their late 70s . My teens have also given names. Its really quite sad.