Ds 15 and girlfriend 14 - sexually active :(

[Teenagerstress]

I’m wide awake in bed right now unable to switch off and sleep

DS is recently 15 and his girlfriend is recently 14. They’ve been together for about 5 months. Naively we and her parents have trusted them to go out and about together and not to be getting up to any funny business - we’ve always explained it’s best to wait, especially with the years gap between them that it’d be illegal, etc. It has recently come to our attention that they have done all but full sex (supposedly), and have found ways to sneak off from public view to do this . I am shocked and heartbroken that this has happened. The girlfriends parents do not want any further contact between them unless it’s chaperoned and that if this means they have to see each other less, so be it. I am concerned that this restriction will make them more likely to go secret and continue with/progress on shenanigans on the other hand I want to lock DS up until he’s 18. We’ve always talked to him about consent, safe sex, condoms and where to get them but this doesn’t relieve any of my anxieties around this whole thing
Any advice??

Well I think that saying you're 'heartbroken' is a massive overreaction.

Yes it's young but it's also not abnormal....I agree that they're not really mature enough to manage a full, physical relationship but like you, think that her parents are being naive.

All you can do is keep educating.

OP I understand how you must be feeling. I don't have any advice except to say that I, like you, think that's far too young.

I have a DD 14 and totally see where the girl's parents are coming from. I also have sons.

Sorry not to be able to offer more than a hand hold x

You can’t force them apart. That will make things worse. You can’t watch them 24/7. You need to reinforce safe sex and consent rules and be there for your kids in case they need your support. Don’t push them away.

I remember being 14/15 - whether it's right or wrong plenty of my friends were having full blown sex and were on the pill (without their parents knowledge). I don't know what the answer is. I just assumed my daughter MIGHT have similar experiences when she's 14. I myself did not have sex until I was a few years older but at 14 I was certainly having sexual experiences, just not penetration. My main concerns for my daughter would be consent and pregnancy but I do feel it's inevitable that once she's going through puberty she will want to snog (and maybe more) boys she fancies.

Her parents are being unrealistic at best, controlling at worst. It's not ideal but hardly unusual.

We’ve always talked to him about consent, safe sex, condoms and where to get them

I would get him some condoms, don't rely on him going and buying any.

The girl is JUST 14?

That’s different IMO than two 14 or 15yos.

I think you've got the right attitude OP. You can't be with them all of the time. If you try to ban them from seeing each other, it will just make them less willing to be open with you about anything that does happen.

I think all you can do is make sure he knows about protection, consent etc as you have done. Make sure he has condoms. And encourage you him to be open with you, reassure him he won't get into trouble as long as he tells you the truth.

You need to really impress on him that he needs to use protection and it will probably ruin his life if she becomes pregnant and keeps the baby.

I think you’re being quite melodramatic to say you’re heartbroken.

Also the fact that they haven’t had penetrative sex shows that they are showing restraint and some maturity.
Do you remember your early sexual experiences? How easy it was to lose your head totally?

Sexual experimentation at this age is normal. And it’s done now- they’re going to want to do it again.
I would suggest that you focus on reinforcing safe sex messaging, and highlight what they both stand to lose in the event of unplanned pregnancy (even an abortion can really impact).
And then I would stop worrying. The fact that they have begun to experiment sexually does NOT mean that they will have full sex imminently, or possibly for years.

I recall at that age for my peers and I, there was quite a gap between when we began to explore sexuality and when we lost our virginities.

It’s not easy to come to terms with and they are both young but it’s a tricky age... curiosity and hormones make potent bedfellows.

The only thing that needs focusing on here is contraception. That’s the conversation that needs to be happening with both your DS and his girlfriend, but your hands are tied. You can only make your DS responsible for how he manages safe sex. And that’s the direction of travel here. Don’t gonall Romeo and Juliet here. And don’t be disappointed in your boy. Don’t make him feel badly. I know they’re young but don’t make him feel worse. Otherwise he’ll feel like a dirty dog and he’s not. He’s a young teen, ‘in love’. We’ve all been there... most of us anyway.

I grew up watching my 16 year old brother and his 14 year old girlfriend ‘banned’ from seeing each other. Holy smoke it was a hot mess. She was in and out of the bedroom window all the time. My dad was constantly finding her hiding in the bedroom at 3am, then calling her parents. My brother and her ran away. Basically, keeping them apart was like a fuel dump on a forest fire.

Keep the lines of communication open. And on your end, drive the point home about safe sex. Be transparent and supportive. He’s your boy. Love him, encourage safety, offer him wisdom. It’s all so much easier said than done. I wish you luck and a positive outcome in all this.

gonall should read ‘go all’.
It almost looks like gonads! How Freudian slip of me.

OP is overreacting saying shes heartbroken 🙄 she's allowed to express how she feels at that moment. Grief! Anyway, at least they haven't gone all the way but its a slippery slope now. You don't know what exactly the parents are going to do with the daughter but she might either back off or become fully rebellious (lol) and pressure him. Either way, I'd say talk to him about both situations to prepare him I suppose. And hope to God he doesn't bring home any babies!

My daughter is 15. I lost my virginity at 14 and hugely regret it. I was kind of forced into it by a friend, it was peer pressure and it was a one night thing. Not long later I got with my now husband at 15. I have always been open with my daughter about when and why I regret losing my virginity when she asked. She has now been with her boyfriend 9 months and I know things have happened. Shes being responsible. They havent had sex yet and are waiting but lots of teens do and I'd rather they were exploring in a trusting relationship. Although I agree 14 is very young. However I'd rather they were having their first sexual contact in a committed trusting relationship.

Honestly if you stop them seeing each other. They will end up with someone else and doing the same. Now they have been sexually active and started exploring, I doubt it will stop. And I'd rather they were doing it together than forcing them to move on to second partners.

I'd personally of spoken to them about being responsible, got her on a contraceptive and spoken to them about consent. I think stopping them seeing each other will just lead to another problem.

I understand your heartbreak and whilst it is easy for others to say "chill out" your worries are natural.

14 is very young and getting so heavily involved in a relationship will impact their lives, such as social groups, school work and family life. Does she have a good relationship with her parents or will she resent the restrictions?

I have teens and young adults as well as worked with teens and delaying a sexual relationship is a better outcome. I would talk to your son about contraception and how important it is..stress the impact on his life of a pregnancy, it might be cool to have sex but it is definitely not cool to be a teen dad.

Does he have a good network of friends? If he has to stop seeing her then he will need to fill the time with others so I could encourage his hobbies and meeting friends.

TBH Teenagers in love and stopping short of full blown sex is like trying to stop the tides coming in ! Expecting "restraint" and caution when in the full throes of a young passion is impossible! Talk to DS and explain to him the need for contraception .Buy some Durex and leave them in his room for him.The girls parents are within their rights to try and keep them apart ,but how this will work on a practical level is anyones guess! With a small gap like this, its doubtful the police would do anything regarding a consent charge anyway.(A friends DD was 15 and going out with a man in his late 30s!Police wouldnt get involved as she was "nearly 16" FFS)

Sorry just realised I meant to say "isn't" not is overreacting 🙂

I think the ages of the kids are crucial. 14 is very young, even more so if she's only recently turned 14. My friends were 15-16 when most of us became sexually active. At that age, a year can make a huge difference in maturity levels etc. and I certainly would have been far too young for anything like this at 14.

I can completely understand the reaction of the girl's parents. Their daughter is very young and it's her who bears the majority of the risk that comes with being sexually active. It's not controlling for them to be making moves to protect her. In terms of your son, you need to absolutely reiterate to him the importance of contraception and consent. He has an obligation to ensure that any sexual partners are able to meaningfully consent. He needs to consider whether SHE is ready, not just himself. I don't think that a 14 year old child can meaningfully consent to sex.
If I can offer any advice based on the shower of shite that was MY parents' attempt to handle this kind of thing, DON'T shame your son and DON'T sneak around behind his back. When you talk about being heartbroken, you're in danger of slipping into shaming territory. Having sex and having sexual desire is perfectly normal, natural and nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. Your job is to make sure that he is safe and happy, and that he is treating sexual partners with respect and ensuring their safety as well. Keep communication open and make sure he feels able to speak to you. Don't hold secret meetings with his girlfriend's parents (one of my mum's tricks) and don't snoop on his phone or laptop etc. That's not to say you don't monitor what's going on with him, or what he's doing, but you need to maintain trust and openness. I am now in my thirties and don't trust my mum as far as I could chuck her, largely because she trampled all over my privacy and boundaries as a teenager.
I don't envy you, OP. I've got all this to come in a few years and I'm not looking forward to it.

OP, in the kindest way you can't really stop teenagers from wanting sex, teenagers have been having sex for millions of years. Talking about it is sensible but presumably you also didn't ask your parents if you were old enough to have sex because it frankly wasn't their business. Neither do you have a say in your son's sex life. I'd focus on preventing pregnancy mostly.

Really? “Heartbroken” isn’t an overreaction?

Given the weeks and months we’re about to go into, I wonder how we’re all going to cope if heartbreak and a grief response is considered socially normal, for very everyday teen behaviour?

Of course it's a bloody overreaction. What..? Your heart is broken because your child is a sexual person?

Fucking weird attitude to have.

What did you think? THat they'd remain a child forever?

This is what happens....teenagers mature.

Yes it's too early really...but it happens. Not all teens are that sensible...many have sex at this age.

Heartbreak is for death or the end of long relationships.