Disorganised nearly 13 year old boy!!

[poppyviolet]

I feel exhausted and it's only 9am!! Getting out thr door in the mornings. I dont know how many times I've said to him to get his bag packed the night before, lay out everything you need for the next day etc...mornings are so stressful. At 8.25am(we leave at 8.30) he has one shoe on, he hasn't brushed his teeth, hes lost his tie and hes remembered something vital he has to do!! Now we live about 1 mile from the school but I take him by car then straight on to the Primary school 5 miles away for my dad, often arriving a little late. Should I tell him he has to organise himself and walk there? What should my expectations be of him? Please be nice!

I’m not the best example in terms of the organisation because I still help my 11 year old a lot BUT If you only live a mile from the school he should definitely be walking, IMO.

How about going through it all with him the night before, ensuring the clothes are laid out and the bags packed etc etc then no excuses tolerated in the morning.

One of my DDs was terrible for this and it was a cause of much stress and frustration. I did leave the house without her once when she was 16, I'd wanted to do it many times before believe me and horror of horrors she had to make her way to college on public transport and pay with her own money but she never did it again after that.

I think year 7 and into year 8 can be a shock with all the different books and homework etc. I had thought my daughter should just be able to cope but she actually got quite anxious because they got detention on the day at school if they forgot anything. I started to help her and checklist uniform and school books the night before - hopefully in a nice way not trying to nag her too much. Did this a lot and asked if she’d remembered homework for that day etc etc. By end year 8 and into year 9 she was pretty organised. She still takes ages getting ready and deciding on outfits for parties - but I try not to get involved in that. I do think they need help and to be shown stuff or work with us whilst we suggest tips or ask them what would help them. Only certain types of kids sail through all these new experiences without help.
Hope it works out! X

I'll probably start with getting everything ready the night before and get up a little earlier until things improve. We have a year 9 and it's much better now but not perfect yet.

Right
Stop taking him to school- he can walk.

Print off a couple of copies of his time table, one for his room and one for the house- in ours that was the kitchen wall.
My dd uses her day planner to record if the teacher has her book because otherwise she panics about having lost it.

Start by having a conversation at dinner or in the car about routine. What you both expect etc

At 7:30pm no more devices, get the school bag and lunch ready with him initially, don't nag just go through step by step getting things organised.
Ask him what else needs to be ready, don't tell him make him think, give him the control.
Get him to lay out his uniform if he feel this will help, shoes by the front door etc.

Talk him through making his lunch.
Ask him what reminders he would like in the morning. Tell him you aren't going to nag or shout anymore, he is going to take responsibility and the consequences.

Our oldest son was like this.
In final year at uni he suffered mental health problems and was diagnosed with dyspraxia and mild dyslexia.

Lots of practical help like make sure school bag is packed, kit set out ... etc etc... but it never really got away from the rushing around being 2 minutes late for the bus.

Knowing about the dyspraxia /dyslaxia earlier would have helped... as he lost a lot of self confidence and motivation for a few years. At least now he recognises (and us too!!) that there is something behind the disorganisation, and more importantly strategies to help cope (e.g. break into single tasks to be done at a time, avoid in formation overload etc ).

The is a lot of information online to help recognise dyspraxia, if this may be the problem and suggested coping strategies.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Panda-Magnetic-Calendar-Shopping/dp/B01LWTODCA/ref=mpssa115?keywords=weekly+planner+whiteboard+magnetic&qid=1580986053&sr=8-5

Try something like this, with the right hand side used for the 'standard' morning checklist.

He should create the lists, not you , but may need some help to get started.

And yes, he should definitely be walking to school. Work out with him what time he'll need to leave and work backwards from there to allow enough time to be ready.

Some kids do need a bit more support than others but with the right tools in place they'll get there! Good luck.

Featherquilt. I've ordered it , thank you!!

There are practical measures.

But whats he like generally OP is the question that springs to mind.

My DS is/was always late and a bit disorganised.

I don't think its usual for a 13 year old to be so chaotic, but it really depends on how other things are. You could try practical measures, but if it is something more fundamental, these will only have limited effect. Perhaps you can try them and see.

In my DS's case I suspected ADHD, but now I think its PDA.

very useful thread. I have similar issues with my13-yr-old son.
Hope it's gotten better poppyviolet !

He needs to establish a routine. It starts from coming home from school. Are you there when he comes in?

My two had a specific place to put their tie in their wardrobe when they removed it. All uniform went into the laundry baskets, homework is written up on a board so they and I can see what they have and when it is due in. Bag is packed at night. But I made sure they did that.

They would shower and get dressed in the morning but just underwear, shirt and trousers, then go downstairs and eat breakfast. At a certain time they are back upstairs, teeth brushed, tie and jumper on.

Back downstairs with their school bag and shoes and coat on and out the door.

Some children are just more organised than others but it can be learned. That wipe board is a great idea and he can tick off the stuff he has done such as pack his bag. You need to stand over him for a bit whilst he gets into these habits.

My two children have a noticeboard in their room with a list of the things they have to do, they can see it and used to tick off each thing as they did it. It is in order so as they tick one thing they move onto the next thing.

Let him walk to school. If he's late - or forgotten something - let the school deal w it. Offer to help him get his bag ready the night before, help him get organised but then, leave him to it. Far, far kinder to let him get a detention or two now then infantalising him for years. You'll have a better relationship too with less nagging.