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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Rules for 16 year olds in Y12

14 replies

chocolateisavegetable · 30/01/2020 16:26

Do you have a curfew for your Y12 teenager, and is it different during the week to at the weekend? Would be interested to know what you consider are reasonable times. Also, would you allow your Y12 DS to stay at his girlfriend's house if you knew the GF's parents were OK with it and they had been together over 6 months?

It's not my DS, but I'm wondering whether my some of my nephew's MH problems are to do with his parents being too strict. And yes I know I need to be careful about getting involved!

OP posts:

okiedokieme · 30/01/2020 16:44

By year 12 I trusted my girls to make the right decisions on bedtime and dd2 had her boyfriend to stay - she was at boarding school so term time bedtimes I didn't have to worry about! Dd1 never pushed the limits and didn't have a boyfriend

LuluBellaBlue · 30/01/2020 16:48

My boy is 16 and yr 11.
I ask him to be in bed by 10pm school nights but he’s allowed his phone on for a little longer.
Weekend and holidays he sets his own bedtime.
Yes I’d allow sleepovers ensuring we were regularly talking about safe sex etc

JiltedJohnsJulie · 30/01/2020 19:46

My DS is coming up to 16. He has a bedtime of 10pm in the week but that's often stretched to 10.30. Weekends and holidays he decides himself.

If he had a girlfriend of over 6 months, and the girlfriend was over 16 too, I'd allow sleepovers but I am quite unusual in that amongst my peers. Most people I know wouldn't allow it.

BrokenWing · 31/01/2020 14:21

Ds(16 next month) at weekends stays up to stupid o'clock in the morning on the ps4 with friends. If he knows he needs to get up early at the weekend he will go to bed earlier, so I leave him to it.

During the week he is generally off his phone and in bed with lights out by 10:30, very occasionally 11. I don't enforce it because he just does it. If he was staying up silly hours during the week and tired in the mornings that would be different and I would talk to him about it.

BarbedBloom · 31/01/2020 15:41

I would be fine with sleepovers, they are having sex anyway most likely and would rather them be somewhere safe than in parks like I was. Curfews would depend on what they were doing. If a weekend party was on till 1am, fine but if they are wandering the streets, no chance. I would let them set their own bedtimes and deal with it if tired the next day.

VirginiaCreeper · 31/01/2020 15:46

Mine are older but I faced those questions with them
Bedtimes were abandoned well before age 16. We agreed they stay up as late as they wished on weekends as long as they were sensible on school nights.
Not only did it work well it removed entirely a major source of friction.
GF sleeping over - yes if over 16 and their parents agreed.

Curfews a little different as we live in the country with no public transport so they had to be picked up.

Ginfordinner · 31/01/2020 15:50

DD's ex boyfriend's parents were too strict and controlling. He is at university now and has completely gone off the rails. Most students drink, but his drinking is out of control.

JustDanceAddict · 31/01/2020 16:19

I’ve got one in Yr 11 and one in Yr13.
Weekdays they don’t really go out as they have school work and school is not nearby so there’s no ‘hanging about’ as they get a designated bus. I would expect them to be home by 10 if they did though as they have to be up at 6.30. Obv w exceptions for concerts but they aren’t regular.
As far as the weekends go, I don’t have a curfew per se but if myself or dh are picking up we prefer to get somewhere by midnight or we are too tired! If someone is bringing them back then I don’t mind as they’ll just sleep in. I have waited up until 2am and I was not happy about that, but was one of dd’s Good friend’s 18ths and she did come most of the way home on the bus with others.
We haven’t had the gf/bf issue yet but my take with dd who is still 17 would be - do what you have to do when I’m
Out of the house 😆 not sure I’d want the staying over thing but it again depends on circumstances. With ds, he’s not 16 yet but if he gets a gf in next year or so the same rules will apply. I would rather they have sex safely and comfortably in my house but I don’t want to be here to see or hear it!

JustDanceAddict · 31/01/2020 16:21

Ps: curfew and bedtimes are not the same. They self-regulate their sleep

Aragog · 31/01/2020 16:28

DD is 17y and been with her boyfriend for about 3-4 months iirr. When he stays over he sleeps in the spare room, but they do spend time in DD's room and study/snug alone beforehand. He stayed in her bedroom when it was a big party and there were lots of people staying over. I know they sleep in the same room/bed as parties elsewhere. DD hasn't asked for him to stay in her room when we are also in yet - we will decide when she does.

No bedtime as such - she tends to go up to her room when we do, which is around 10:30pm on a week day. She has her phone in her room but it is charging at the other side of the room to her bed. DD loves her sleep so that's one thing we aren't actually concerned with.

Curfews - week days we prefer her to be before 11pm, ideally bit earlier, unless its a special occasion. TBH she doesn't push that anyway and our bus service is dreadful once it gets late which she is very much aware off. As said before too, she likes her sleep and has a lot fo school work so doesn't go out after school that much anyway. Weekends - no curfew. I trust her to be sensible. Tonight there's a party and she and a couple of friends will come back here. I think dd says it'll be around midnight/1am when they get back. Its close by so they will be walking. I am less keen on her catching a taxi on her own but that's very rare. If she wants a lift it needs to be midnight or so, as we want to get to bed!

moochew · 31/01/2020 17:27

Tend not to have rules as such - we chat over new situations - not bothered about coming home time as long as they have arranged a lift - they have not stayed out beyond my bedtime so I've yet to tackle that one. I'd be ok with bf sleeping over - dh doesn't want to know, but there is no one special for either of them.

Not sure MH problems stem from someone being too strict - there was a suggestion by an academic that if parents have not allowed their kids to grow up and take chances let them look after themselves a bit more, make decisions and generally grow into an adult in sixth year, they are more likely to struggle with MH at Uni.

Original poster

chocolateisavegetable · 31/01/2020 21:36

Thank you for all the replies. It's very useful to get other people's perspectives and to see that his parents are indeed much stricter than many.

OP posts:

pointythings · 31/01/2020 22:45

We don't have rules, we have agreements. This worked well with DD1 (now 19 and at uni) and is working well with DD2 (17 on Tuesday) in Yr 12. School nights we all go to bed at 10.30ish - sleep is important and DD2 knows this as she has fibro. Weekends and holidays we are more relaxed, unless we have an early start.

DD's GF is allowed to sleep over and has been for a year now - they have been a couple for 18 months, it's a committed and serious relationship. Are they having sex? No bloody idea, don't want to know. Let's face it, no-one's going to get pregnant here.

Madzhatter · 02/02/2020 08:41

DS sees his GF once in the week and has a 9.30 latest pick up time. At the weekend tends to be 11. Yes she’s stays over here and he stays over there but it’s not every weekend, more if they’ve been to a party or if we all go away for the weekend. They've been together 18 months & started staying over after around 5 months.

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