Anyone else got a teenager with social anxiety?

[delmartric8]

Mine is 15 and is on the verge of dropping out of school because of it. It's so sad as she really is the loveliest person, used to be so bright and happy, but something has gone wrong and school is turning her into a nervous wreck.

Thinking about private CBT which is really expensive.

It's making me miserable too as I feel so helpless.

Any advice from anyone?

My 14 year old ds has huge issues with communication and social interaction. He is currently being assessed for ASD though as he is also very rigid in his behaviour and has lots of sensory issues.

Do you think it may be anxiety causing her issues or is there another underlying problem? Ds hates school but he is still attending. His school are not particularly supportive so I'm hoping a diagnosis might help get him some extra help.

Are the school being supportive? I don't know much about cbt and if it would help. I talked to our autism support worker a couple of weeks ago as ds's mental health is suffering as he waits for assessment and she said that he will only benefit from something like counselling if he is willing to engage with it.

Ds is year 10 so we have a year to gcses but I can understand how helpless you feel. It's awful when your teenager is so unhappy.

My DD is younger but has social anxiety so we were seeing a psychologist for CBT. It was going ok but her panic levels meant that often she couldn't calm down enough to remember the CBT. then in January she developed a fear of vomiting in public and started to refuse to go to school, restrictions on her eating etc. We swapped to a psychologist who offered eye movement desensitisation and reprogramming (EMDR) and in just a few sessions her vomiting fear has gone and she's eating normally again.

I'm not saying it would be right for your child - just that it's good to think about different options to get the one that will work in your specific situation

Hugs as it is so hard

My eldest dd suffered from social anxiety but not severely. Counselling helped her to cope but she thinks that she will always find social interaction awkward and hard work but she perseveres, god bless her!
Things are much better but it has not been an easy road and there were many a sleepless night when I was constantly wondering how I could make things better.

Right now do some research. Get a book on CBT that maybe you can initially work through together with your DD. Speak to your GP, is there any chance at all you can get a few CBT sessions on the NHS. Would leaving school improve her mental health? If the answer is yes then let her leave. Perhaps look into home schooling for a few GCSEs. Build up her confidence by encouraging activities and interests she enjoys or is good at, get family or friends (she knows and is comfortable with) to spend time with her which will help her associate positive feelings with social interaction and also try not to let this dominate your interactions with her.

I don't know if any of this advice is helpful but just wanted you to know
you are not alone.

Thanks for the replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I'm currently in tears mourning the loss of my happy little girl.

There's no underlying problem as far as I'm aware, other than being a people pleaser by nature and a couple of life changes seem to have given her a confidence a huge knock.

I read about EMDR so will look at that thanks. There seems to be a nothing much available on the nhs for cbt so it has to be paid for privately round here. I can't believe how expensive it is!

I really don't want to take her out of school Blessthekids although I would if I had to, iykwim. She doesn't want to either but she is missing quite a lot. I'm going to speak to them tomorrow about flex-schooling.

Any recommendations for a CBT book?

I have found my people.

DD aged 13 is currently under CAMHS. She hasn't specifically been told its social anxiety but I think that fits. She really struggles with friends, says she finds groups extremely difficult, rarely goes out, has attached herself to a troubled child. She finds schools overwhelming and often says she feels worn down. We got help when she started to self harm. It's early days for us and we have only had one CAMHS appointment so far. They were very good and want to screen dd for autism to decide if further testing is needed. She has loads of sensory issues , very intolerant of noise, doesn't like being touched or wearing socks unless the seam is straight across her toes. I haven't found the school very helpful, but I think I might try and speak to them a out flexi schooling.

I have to be honest I find it very difficult to understand and swing between being patient and just wanting to tell her to get a grip. It's very helpful to know I'm not alone.

Thanks IWillWearTheGreenWillow and sorry to hear of your troubles too but glad it is improving. Are you able to share details of the counsellors, depending on your location of course? How did you get your diagnosis eventually? I can't think of anything that DD might have but I don't want to rule it out either.

BurnedToast, my DH is from the school of "get a grip" and I'm overly sympathetic (according to him) although sometimes I do just want to shout "what is so wrong with your life!" which I don't of course. I understand completely how you feel. It is hard.

Sometimes I think DD's biggest problem is that she is too normal! She's so bloody nice and straightforward (never tries to be cool or play mind games etc) that she doesn't seem to fit into the realms of teenagedom. I've often said she'll be a great adult.

The comment about being a great adult rings true for dd. She sort of hangs out with a group of girls at school, one of whom goes through phases of freezing DD out for periods of time. During the last such phase, the other girls in her group actually went up to dd and said to her face they no longer wanted to hang out with her as the other girl had said they needed to choose. Dd just could not understand why anyone would do such a thing. She just doesn't understand the social rules some of the girls follow that mean they behave like pack animals. I've been thinking it's a sign of possible autism, but really it's her that's normal.

That is how I think. My DD is too grown up I think. She also absolutely hates all the pack mentality and "banter". She is a great fan of 1:1 long chats. She's been frozen out of so many groups now for the reasons you state. She just table hops at lunch and says she has nothing to say anymore/clams up for fear of criticism. It's a self-perpetuating cycle.

My DD has/had social anxiety. She's 19 now. Hers was never bad enough to miss school and she hid a lot of it from me so I didn't realise how bad she was feeling.

I wish I'd done more to help when she was younger, because she's now had/having a huge episode where she has had to take a leave of absence from uni (basically drop out of first year to try again next year). She's on anti depressants, and is on the waiting list for CBT on the nhs as there aren't any private counsellors around here who do CBT. The waiting list would apparently have been shorter if she'd been seen under cahms (but the one time we did ask for help when she was younger they sent us to self refer to the wrong service and then DD felt it was "too hard" to go back, I should have pushed then but I thought she was coping)

I might look into the EMDR though and see if we can find anyone who does that privately near us.

My dd1 did have sensory issues over clothing, she refused to wear so much as she hated how they felt. I also relate to the not being able to behave like a pack animal. She has often walked to her own drum beat and doesn't have a mean bone in her body despite some of the behaviour she has endured. I've never really considered autism, I assumed she was just an introvert in an extrovert school system. Food for thought for me.

@delmartric8 - I really hope your school allows her to do flex-schooling. I think it would be incredibly helpful and allow her some breathing space.

All this talk of the importance of mental health by politicians and yet its so hard to access help on the NHS.

I wish everyone of our children all the best going forward. And please take care of yourselves too.

Out of interest, has anyone got any advice: I've contacted DD's HoY at school 2x about flexing schooling/other solutions and have had no reply. What do I do?

DD's school have been useless as well. Glad it's not just me. I was thinking of flexi schooling but I have a feeling they won't welcome it.

Thanks for the advice. I am obviously "that parent" . I can't believe how bloody rude and unprofessional it is to ignore TWO emails. That's interesting IWillWearTheGreenWillowabout - DD is seeing a new psychologist next week so maybe they can help with communication.

BurnedToast, I don't think our school will welcome flexi-schooling either although I know it goes on. DD has mentioned plenty of DC who are only there part-time.

DD is off again today and I was inclined to not follow the proper channels of communication just to get a reaction but because I've got 2 other DC there, I don't want to cause problems for us as a family.

Spoke to my friend who lives o/seas at the weekend who homeschools her DC via an online place. Must say I'm feeling tempted ...

We've been fortunate with the school but DD is younger so it's a junior school not senior - I think they are just more used to being flexible.

DS is older and isn't anxious but does have dysgraphia and I've found the senior school much less supportive. I think you just need to be 'that parent' and push for what is best for your DC. So just continue with what you are doing

Got a meeting tomorrow am with DD, HoY and Head of Student Services. Dreading it.

Thanks IWillWearTheGreenWillow. They've told DD she must go to school but she can go to "the zone" if she's having a bad day. I wish they'd told her this before! Flexing schooling is not an option though they seemed to think it was ok for her to miss certain lessons each week if she was in the zone or at appointments She's also going to be made a prefect with specific duties that will keep her busy at a few lunch time and break.

I'm extremely sceptical but forever hopeful!

I dropped out of college due to social anxiety. Something I’ll always regret. I was only a couple of months from finishing my course. At the time, it seemed there was no other option but to drop out, I couldn’t see a way forward. Anything anybody tried to tell me I wouldn’t listen because I thought I was right. I however didn’t get any help. Try and get all the help your DD needs so she can carry on because she will regret dropping out of school one day.

DD has had NHS counselling for social anxiety for 18 months (as a result of long-term illness).

The number 1 lesson for overcoming it is not avoiding it. It's similar to phobias. You have to face it and be in the situation to be able to learn to deal with it. I know it's easier said than done, but it's not going to go away unless it's faced. There is no way around it and no magic answer.

The strategies for dealing with it are to learn the signs of anxiety, physical and mental. So you know and understand what's happening to you. And to have a calming routine to deal with the situation.

And to learn the difference between thoughts and facts. I guess this is where CBT comes in. But thoughts and perception drive the anxiety, not the reality. So it's helpful to work through that after an episode to tease out what was fact and what was thoughts.

Finally, DD had to draw up a list of social situations she found anxiety provoking and rate them in order of difficulty. Then starting with the 'easiest', she had to do them. She started with talking to the shopkeeper. She can now order a meal in an unfamiliar restaurant and phone a familiar person. Next is to phone an unfamiliar person.

She's never going to be able to walk in a room of strangers and start a conversation. But it's not about changing her personality, but stopping her anxiety preventing her from being a functioning part of society.

HTH