Watching unsuitable DVD at friend's house

[tearinghairout]

My 13yo ds went for a birthday sleepover at his best-friend-of-the-moment's house, & came back raving about a DVD they'd seen called Green Street Hooligans. It's based on a real gang of football hooligans & the quote on the front is about how you have to stand and fight. (It also has Frodo from LOTR, obviously trying not to be typecast - did they buy him some very large footwear?) Anyway, I've looked it up and it's 18cert - my DH is 13 and it was the birthday boy's 13th bday. There were prob some 12yo's there.

My DH isn't bothered, but I am - it seems to have vicious thumping and every other word is the f-word. And my dear, sweet ds couldn't sleep the other week after Dr Who... The problem is, I've only met bf's parents briefly; have had bf over a couple of times & he's been polite & well-behaved. Do I ring up and tear them off a strip, or what? He's due to be going out for the day with them this Sat. Advice needed!

my ds is teeny, so i have all this to come! this is total guess work, but i think it might be best to leave it. your kid obviously knows the difference batween fiction and reality and if his pal is well behaved, he's probably well brought up too. if they'd stayed up watching tv, they could've seen worse!?

'Do nothing' is one option, but I feel uneasy. It's the fact that when your dch go to people's homes, you expect your rules to apply, I suppose. There's no way I'd let my dch, or other people's, watch even a 15 cert.

I'm not sure that you're right about him 'knowing the difference', he's not at that age yet. This seems to have made him think he & his mates can be hard & thump anyone who disagrees with them. I had to have a chat with him about hurting people, and that the ultimate end to this line of thinking, for some people, is guns & prison.

Today on the news was about a game called Manhunt 2, which Jamie Bulger's mum has condemned because it appears to use CCTV footage of her son. Manhunt 1 has been connected to the death of a 14yo boy. Do you see why I want to stop him seeing this stuff? I know they won't want 'Finding Nemo' for ever, but there's an age limit set for this - and it's 18.

i do see your point, but i don't believe volence in society comes from what we see on a screen. i don't like it personally, but we are (statistically speaking) a less violent society than 100 years ago. the widespread coverage of violent events makes people feel things are bad when they're not. your son is not going to turn into a thug by watching films.

btw, it's easy for me to say - might be coming to you for advice in 10 years time!

I wouldn't ring them and "tear them off a strip" but it might be worth a quiet word along the lines of "ds has been having nightmares since the sleepover and I really don't want him watching 18 cert films". I would be annoyed about this too and can see why you are.

I agree that an individual might not act on things he has seen in an unsuitable for age group dvd but consider a group of teenage lads together, messing about and showing off, encouraging/teasing/goading each other into doing things they wouldn't do if they were not in each others company.

I think I'd be unhappy but I'm not sure how to broach the matter. I wuldn't ring up and tear them off a strip, I'd maybe have a quiet word about you wanting him not to be exposed to 18 cert films without prior consultation. If they had reviewed the dvd content I'd be surprised if they really wanted their own son to watch it, maybe they are unaware and just a bit slack at checking up on this kind of thing.

If you know the parents I would probably give them a call and steer the conversation towards the film (in a very calm way). Maybe the parents don't know they watched it. My DD is 13 and I do allow her to watch some 15 certificate films (with me) but have not allowed any 18 certificates yet. I wouldn't allow any visiting friends to watch them though unless I had cleared it with their parents. My worry about violent films would not be that they would try to emulate the behaviour but that it would be frightening and prey on their minds.

Nicky, you're right about the coverage of violent events. We think it's on our doorsteps, but it's not. (Unless you live somewhere like Streatham - kids shot recently - which is where I used to live...)

Tallulah, yes, I am a bit uptight! Thanks to you both for calming me down. I have often gone steaming into situations and then regretted it.

If I ring now I might mess up Saturday, & I don't want ds to blame me for interfereing.

Grr - it's odd. Mum is some sort of healer/massage person, not sure about Dad but he doesn't liook like a thug. The DVD box case, though, leaves no room for doubt, and the fact that it's got 'hooligans' in the title is a bit of a giveaway. I bet they let the lad pick the film, and got it, in a white case, from the DVD rental place. Maybe Dad thought as my DH does - it's about football - & Mum didn't see the film case or watch the film.

I had this with my dd when she visited friends for 1st time - friends dad said to her " would your mum let you watch this?" How ridiculous - of course she didn't want to be rude said yeah probably (I wouldn't have done) and it was a horror film 18+ and they were 11.....
I did nothing about that because I would probably have gone over the top (I was really angry) but did start to ask other parents what the children would be doing before they stayed over in future and she didn't go there again.

However she wasn't remotely bothered by horror films and now just thinks they're funny (13.5)! You can't keep control over what they see and hear for long so it is easier just to relax about it. If he stays there again I would probably mention in a nice 'non-judgemental' kind of way that you don't allow him to watch 18s and leave it at that.

Wisteria - nice to hear from someone who's been there.

I have to go to work now but will be back later! Thanks to all.

The little dears can buy 18 certificate DVDs on the Internet without any problem. I think that prolonged exposure to games/films of such a nature do affect their behaviour but from my experience with two DSs relatively small amounts - such as seeing these things at friends' houses - does not have a bad effect. They still know what is acceptable and what is not, both in relation to violence and swearing.
I remember once going to a big meet up at a friend's. She and her DH were heavily involved in church and youth club. We were all amazed to discover the reason all our DCs had been so quiet whilst we sat out in the garden was that they had been watching a violent 18 film (13 year olds down to 5 year olds). My DSs now remember this as being hilarious!

The friends parents may not know what video they watched. Is it possible to have a quite word with them ask them what DVD the boys watched as your DS has been having nightmares.

Wow, you lot are so much more chilled than me. (and I'm much more chilled than my dear mum, she wouldn't let him see the kid again!)

Wisteria, I admire your restraint and will take your advice!

It's horrid, for the next few years you'll be questioning every thing you say and do (if you're anything like me) - now my dd2 has reached 11, I am far more laid back in general about all sorts of things but to be honest I wouldn't like the sound of that dvd, even now - which is why I would mention it if there's a next time. I just know that there's no point in shouting the odds about it; just makes them want to watch more stuff like that. My 13.5yr old went through 3 months of trying to shock us with every available piece of gore in the horror genre but now has gone back to teen flicks quite happily, I refused to watch them with her because they give me nightmares but their generation (IMO) see them for what they are; a load of special effects!

I wouldn't be happy about my 13 yr old watching an 18 film and I don't think you are being particularly uptight, hair.

However, as your ds doesn't seem upset by it I wouldn't phone up. Not sure what I would do, need to wait till I get there.

Thanks all for your thoughts and support. I'm glad I didn't go steaming in with my size 9s. Advice very much appreciated. THO.

Ami - I still can't quite believe it happened either. He is starting to calm down about it now, but for days afterwards he was really raving about it, and was talking about how he & his mates stick up for one another and don't 'take no crap from no-one' which is not how he normally speaks. I really do think there's a blurring of fact and fantasy in his little mind. It makes me wonder if some of these people who are into the gang/revenge thing aren't a bit - how can I put it? - slow.

A few days later a friend had trouble with some travellers who wanted to park up next to his house. My DS said 'You should've called me, I'd have dealt with them' etc. Yes, dear. 'Course you would.

Anyway, he's going on a Christian youth camp for a week at the start of the hols. They'll sort him out!!(Love thy neighbour etc.)

I am going to take Wisteria's advice if he goes to that boy's house again, and just say 'He's not allowed to watch films more than 12 certificate, if you could make sure he doesn't, please' and leave it at that, unless they say anything more, in which case I'll tell them. My DD (twins, in the same class, quite useful sometimes!) says that the boy in question has turned 'hard' too... I wonder what his parents think. I can't imagine who would genuinely think that DVD suitable for 13-yo.