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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I thought I'd got off lightly. But no, dd17 is now horrendous :-(

24 replies

Asalways · 15/08/2017 08:12

She'll be 18 later this year. She's gone from happy to grumpy, rude, idiotic. Went out for the day yesterday and she did her best to ruin it, walking too close to the cliffs, picking fights, refusing to leave her coat in the car so walking around with a great big puffa jacket on in the heat. She's arrogant, selfish and unpleasant. She says I'm rude and critical - the extent of my rudeness was to say do you want to go back and out your coat in the car, you'll be boiling like that. Also I said do not ignore the signs about cliff falls and walk by the edge you are an idiot!! Her two siblings were worried. She said 'I guess I'm just an adrenaline junkie I like to be extreme' CRINGE

Surely she's too old for all this??!

OP posts:

specialsubject · 15/08/2017 12:03

Leave at home in future, take the router and her phone for a day out instead.

BusterGonad · 15/08/2017 12:15

The cliff thing is a worry for obvious reasons but if she wants to wear her coat and boil then leave her to it. I remember always keeping my jumper on as I was self conscious about my body. I would've been ratty too if asked to remove it!

corythatwas · 15/08/2017 13:24

Do you have a tendency to nag a bit much? Yes, going near cliffs is very immature, but really why do you have to have an input into whether an almost-adult gets hot or not on a walk? Isn't that her problem?

drinkingtea · 15/08/2017 13:28

Do you treat her like a child? It does sound, from that tiny snapshot, as though you treat her like an 11 year old and she responds by acting like one...

Perhaps skip the enforced family days out and leave her to do her own thing? Did she go on the day out of her own volition, or did you require it?

agnes2016 · 15/08/2017 13:31

I once sat on a beach in Cornwall in August with a jumper and jeans on but I was paranoid about my period and scared of leaking as I couldn't talk to my mum about it.

You have my sympathy though mine is almost 18 and had a 9 hour tantrum on Sunday 🙄 nothing would stop her.

flapjackfairy · 15/08/2017 13:54

Oh you have done my heart good Asal , i am having the exact same with my daughter and she is 18 in a few months.
I am struggling big time with it and feel like i have lost her ! We used to be so close and now she cant stand me a lot of the time. I feel your pain !

Original poster

Asalways · 15/08/2017 14:00

Not sure how you've extrapolated that I treat her like an 11 year old?? She wanted to go to the beach! She absolutely didn't have to come.

And I did leave her to swelter, just said we'd wait for her if she wanted to put her coat back in the car! Which she clearly did but then got all teenagery and not backing down etc. Making an issue where there wasn't one!
flapjack I do feel as though I've lost her

OP posts:

flapjackfairy · 15/08/2017 14:00

Sorry meant done my heart good to know i am not the only one !

bengalcat · 15/08/2017 16:39

Lol - leave her be - your little adrenaline junkie in her puffa - next time tell her you've made a note of the emergency services number but you haven't got abseiling equipment in your handbag if she ' goes over '

BusterGonad · 15/08/2017 17:05

It does sound hard Op. you have my sympathy!

YoungChowFriedRice · 15/08/2017 17:11

My dd was horrendous at that age too, she became a much nicer person at 19. Hang in there and choose your battles, it will pass, lots of in the mean time.

MadeinBelfast · 15/08/2017 17:27

Is she getting any exam results soon? I work with lots of teens who are horrid from exam season to results day due to stress and then revert to being quite pleasant in September!

Original poster

Asalways · 15/08/2017 18:14

Yes, AS results on Thursday. Got a feeling they are going to be terrible

OP posts:

MsHarry · 22/08/2017 13:08

Sounds a bit like my soon to be 17 yr old. I have loved being a parent, but finding the last few years very hard, it's like she shuns my care and love and perceives it as meddling and interfering unless she is in the mood for it. She can be very selfish and self absorbed but to teachers and employer in her part time job, have never heard a bad word said about her. It's very, very hard and I wasn't prepared at all.

MsHarry · 22/08/2017 13:09

GCSE results on Thursday too!

Badhairday1001 · 22/08/2017 22:22

My almost 17 year old ds is the same. It has really helped reading this because I feel like it's only me at the moment. I do nag but he is a complete pain in the arse and doesn't consider anyone else. Selfish, rude, arrogant and unkind to his younger siblings and me. I love him but actually dread spending any time with him.
The worse part is I remember being exactly the same. My Dad is really unwell and it makes me want to cry because I was such a shit as a teenager and have never said sorry or made it up to him.

MsHarry · 23/08/2017 08:06

It's really helped me too Bad and I sent a link to this thread to my DH as sometimes we feel like, "What did we do?" and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. she has always been quite an emotional type so i guess she is feeling this a lot more, my younger DD has always been more even tempered from baby though to 13 so we are hoping we won't have to repeat this!!!

flapjackfairy · 24/08/2017 10:10

Badhair it is not too late to say it now. I have done it as an adult. My dad is dying and i have said what i need to before he goes. No regrets then .
P S I think we need a support group for parents of 17 yr olds for mutual support !

badasahatter · 03/09/2017 15:15

Could I join the support group? Mine isn't 17 for a couple of months, but the behaviour sounds oh so familiar. I got the rude and critical because, after months of seeing different spot lotions in the bathroom but no corresponding improvement in her skin, I said, a friend of mine had a daughter who was struggling with spots and went to the doctor and it cleared up really quickly with tablets. I was called rude and insensitive for that one. I knew it was delicate, but I also remember how horrible it is to have spots. She's still using all sorts of stuff. Me pointing out that it can sometimes aggravate things is rude, apparently.

She's a lovely girl underneath it. Her friends love her...one of them told me when she stayed recently how much my daughter meant to her because of her loyalty and trustworthiness. Apparently she's straightforward and doesn't play games. I didn't laugh or highlight that I see dd as a 2 year old dressed up as a 16 year old sometimes, rolling her eyes and stamping her feet, balking against the most reasonable of requests and telling me she can do things by herself, but then not doing them. Instead I agreed and said that DD has some fabulous qualities and I think she makes an awesome friend too.

I love her, but lordy...I could live without her at times.

TrailerByTheSea · 17/09/2017 09:03

This is the thread I've been looking for... I need a support group for parents of 17 year olds! DD is 17 and a half, thought I'd got off lightly and was finding teenage years easy until recently. Like posters above DD just seems to resent me (unless new clothes or food etc involved) and we are no longer close.

She is not as engaged as I think she should be in open days, UCAS etc and the more I push it the less interested she seems. She had also lost interest in learning to drive.

Main interests seem to be clothes, make up, fake tan and going out! Oh and friends. She has a LOT of friends so never short of someone to socialise with.

We are in Scotland so she already has her Higher results, and did well, but seems to have lost interest in schoolwork.

I don't think I've asked for advice about DD's behaviour on MN since she was about 9! Is everyone else still struggling?

greenberet · 17/09/2017 15:43

I need this too my Dd is 16 though - I have a thread going under relationships as have been really struggling with her attitude which has resulted in being slapped.

I thought a lot of her behaviour was down to an acrimonious divorce over the past 3 years and having to leave her ps for college as her father claims he can no longer afford it _ which she knows and sees as being untrue but reading the posts on here maybe it is a 'phase,

I too feel like she hates me - she has told me she has no respect for me - she is rude to me doesn't really communicate anymore unless she wants a lift, needs money or wants to go out. She too would be out with friends all weekend.

Uses a bit of emotional blackmail when I say no and has more often than not ended up in arguments. I've got to the point where I am drained by it all and need something else to try. A lot of people on other thread have said she sounds angry with the disruption to her life but if others haven't had this but are still troublesome there must be some other reason.

She has a boyfriend - has just got herself a really good part time job - she has always been older for her years _ maybe I'm just getting it before her peers and this is why I have put it down to divorce when Maybe it's not .

gracie166 · 19/09/2017 21:05

Hello my daughter is 17. She says next year before uni she wants to visit Thailand and South Africa and not on a package hol but to stay with friend of friends I don't know. She also wants to use some of her grant money from uni to do this. Am i being unreasonable saying no. She may need this money later in the year and also the danger. I know she will be 18. Any comments would be lovely. .maybe it's me who is unreasonable?

chewbacca83 · 19/09/2017 21:20

I know someone who spent his grant money in his first few months of uni and ended up having to work as a dinner lady (man)in our school to pay off his debt. Travelling is great. I would argue 18 is too young to go somewhere like thailand on your own. I've been 3 times and some areas are very safe...some are the opposite. I found myself in precarious situations when i went and I was in my late twenties the last time. I would recommend a trip with a charity like Raleigh International where you combine travel with group charity work like teaching. It will be the making of her. Part of growing up is knowing the value of money. She shouldn't spend her uni money on a trip. She could consider taking a year or 6 months out to save. I worked for several months in a shop to pay for mine.

gracie166 · 19/09/2017 23:11

Thank you for the info will look into the charity work in case she insists on going 😩

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