At my wits end with DS age 17 - please help

[lucie1919]

Hi all thanks for reading. My eldest DS is 17 and in 1 year has transformed from a likable but lazy boy to a horror. He refused to go on to sixth form and instead wanted to go to the local college to do A' levels but lasted 2 months. He started hanging around with a new group of people who hang around in parks and smoke drugs. This group is made up of 16 to 21 year olds and I don't know any of them. (Am I the only person who has concerns about a 21 yr old who hangs around in parks?) Anyway he was formally kicked out of college just before Christmas and has been transferred to a skills for work course with unpaid work experience. Over the last few months he has been coming home later and later to the point where I no longer see him. I have tried grounding him and he just does his time before reverting back to the old behaviour. He has no money as both I and his father have cut him off financially. However he still seems to be able to snoke, drink and take drugs. He came home a few weeks ago and seemed to be on something harder than cannabis. He kept the his little brother and me awake all night. I grounded him and again he served his time and then reverted back. He has now been "sacked" from his unpaid job! For not turning up. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do has any impact. I've thought of kicking him out to give him a wake up call but he's only 17 and I don't think I could do it. He's throwing his life away and I don't know what to do!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice but am hoping someone else will. Bump

Please don't kick him out. Presently he has a safe space with you. Unless he is abusive, violent or stealing stuff from you of course.

Could you get him to look at apprenticeships in something he is interested in ? The Armed Forces ?

There is virtually no help out there for drug addiction.
It is likely that he is using and dealing - if he has no other source of income.
Does he have a phone/laptop? If so, who pays for those?
I can only suggest you do some research via voluntary organisations/charities who support the families of addicts.
You may want to discuss with them whether you should involve the police.
I don't have any answers. I couldn't help my own son. I still don't know what I could/should have done.

He has an interview with the army next week but not sure if he will go or if they'll accept him. He is stealing from me but on a small scale at the moment, I don't want to kick him out but just I have no idea what to do!

If he is stealing from you he is probably stealing elsewhere.
Lock up all your valuables.
The army might save him but not if he turns up under the influence.
Phone FRANK.
The fact that he is under 18 might give you a chance to get him some help. Once he is 18 you wont be able to intervene on his behalf.
I am so sorry.

Can you remove him from the area/ drug buddies? Do you have any friends or relatives that could physically put him in a car and take him elsewhere for a couple of weeks?
He may owe money to a supplier so if he could be away from home it would be better for all of you.
You need to get as much information as you can, fast. As I said, once he is 18 your chances of doing anything diminish rapidly.

Having major issues with our 17 year old too. He has changed from the most loving considerate boy to a complete stranger. We keep finding home made bongs in his bedroom and bathroom - he has no respect at all, has trashed his bedroom and all he says to us is f**k off bitch, etc. He wants us to kick him out but we won't do it - don't know where he would go to live. We tonight removed his bedroom and bathroom doors so we csn smell if he is doing anything. It was his 17th on Sunday but didn't geh him anything as he keeps saying he wants nothing from us and told md if I got him anything he would smash it. He spit at le too on Saturday. I feel tonight I have made it worse (if tgat was even possible) as I was sick of being ignored and forced the issue. There is no support available at all and I am at my wits end. Any. Advice please.

Karen
Where is he getting the money for the drugs?
Where is he getting the things to make the bongs?
Who is he getting the drugs from?

Can you separate him from the above?

Insist that he goes to the army interview - show him the SAS to show thingy and even offer him a lift into town, take hols if you have to, tell him you don't have to come in with him and tell him you will hang around and give him a lift home.

Weed is disgusting. It leaves teens lazy, unmotivated and depressed.

Does he have a hobby? Pay for him to restart that - time spent around other people who are fairly normal will give him the opportunity to feel normal and inspire him to be better

What a tricky situation. I think I'd try a different approach - less punitive and confrontational - because that's not working - you can't keep punishing him - all it does is erode your relationship further and your influence become more tenuous. While he is angry with you and while you are the enemy he can justify everything he is doing and blame you for everything - there is no personal responsibility.
Reach out, show him kindness, love him try to break through....lose your anger - at least in front of him. I'm not suggesting you feed his habit but at the minute you have put yourself in the position of being his enemy and he will not listen to you and he will never allow you to be right about anything - the battle lines have been drawn.

"skills for work course with unpaid work experience....now been "sacked" from his unpaid job! For not turning up."

My son just joined the Army as JS & my gut feeling is military won't take OP's DS. His bad attitude will come thru during the interview & induction. Who is going to write OP's son a good reference? There's loads of paperwork & chasing Army bureacracy & doctor surgery & so on. It took DS 12 months of application effort. Army tries to avoid taking the dross of society.

Shipping him off to far away relatives is a better plan. But would anyone take him? I was asked to take my wild niece; I refused. Had enough problems on my plate already.

My mom had to kick my druggie brothers out. She refused to, for yrs, but came down to their thieving & threats. Sympathies, but if it was my son, I'd probably give him the boot. One of my brothers is now officially nuts but the other one is grateful my mom was hard on him.

Lucie I could have written your post, going through exactly the same with my DS 17. I do not recognise him, my lovely sweet boy has turned into this vile person. He gave up college after a couple of months, will not even try to get a job as I believe he is dealing. When I dare challenge him he goes mental, even called me a c**t last week. Breaks my heart but I will not throw him out, I am just hoping he comes out the other end without dire consequences. So you have my sympathies.

Google drugfam.
I have only just found out about them. I wish I had known of their existance before.

Hi ladies this could be my post too! My ds 17 nxt month is in with a bad crowd from college all smoking weed and whatever else they can get. Have been on ds phone he doesnt know I know his password. OMG they are all at it it's all they talk about. We have had so many showdowns with him he knows how we feel bout drugs and its zero tolerance. My brother us ex detective undercover on big drug deals he gas spke to him too to no avail. He is doing music at college loved it but since meeting these others has completely changed his attitude. Now wants to join Army waiting on date for fitness test seems to be taking ages tho. I havr told him he will be drugs tested and I think he knows this too and says he has stopped now as really wants to join up. From what ive seen on his phone i dont really believe him tho. Husband said if he doesnt get in Army he can leave home but im reluctant for tjis as I think tnis wont help at all as he will just end up living with these people he is involved with now. My heart breaks a bit more every day I love him so much and will do anything to protect him as mums always do its in our dna.

Just found out today ds hasn't been going into college for weeks. Had another big row this morning after I questioned him again about drugs he didnt get home till after midnight last night though when i txtd him earlier at 20:30 he said he would be home on nxt bus. He gets so angry if I ask him anything he has given away an expensive speaker to pay off money leant to him to pay off a drug dealer now his earphones have gone missing. He wants to join Army and is waiting to hear re fitness test. I can't see him getting accepted just at the end if my tether so so worried about him. Had a chat with him over the weekend and I could see it in his eyes that he knows what I'm saying is the truth it's as if he is afraid to say no. His Dad has run out of patience but wants him to do well too we just don't know what to do for the best. Do we just sit back and watch this car crash happen or do we intervene, but how???? Any advice help appreciated.

Emss sorry you are going through this as well. Not sure what advise I could offer. my son has been terrible. Quit college after a month or so, and lying to me about going, smoking weed and dealing, out to all hours. My latest strategy is to keep calm no matter how unreasonable, keep nudging him to look for work. So he starts a trial next week and has interview for a KP job in a local pub, so slowly things seem to be improving, But I feel your pain lets hope the army thing works out that could be the making of your DS.

Hi Blossomflowers thanks so much for your kind words. Yes i'm pinning my hopes on the Army to sort him out. Today I will be letting him know I that I know about the colllege fiasco but I'm planning to stay calm, too tired for rows today. Good luck with your ds, lets hope they both come to their senses before it's too late.

I really feel for you. I went through the same with my ds over a 10 year period. In the end I threw him out and it was the best thing I ever did.. I was always giving him chance after chance and forgiving him but the drugs were too strong a pull for him and he never stuck to any of his promises to change.
He got a flat (I helped financially to set him up) he has now been clean for 6 months but that is only because he has met a wonderful young lady who has told him any drugs and that's the end for them. I feel as if I a big chunk of our lives has just disappeared, I felt like lost him for 10 years and am only just getting back my wonderful boy. There is a lot more to this than I can even begin to type out but my advice would be to stay strong and stick to your guns.. any sign of weakness and they take advantage and as mothers we forgive because we love them . "Tough love," they call it that for a reason ! Good luck

Ratty Glad to hear there was a happy ending though sounds dreadful. emms I hope the army thing works out. Staying calm is the order of the day as hard as it may be sometimes. I am pleased to report that DS has found a new love in cooking and has actually had family meals last 2 nights in a row which is a big change, small steps.

Weed is disgusting. It leaves teens lazy, unmotivated and depressed

^This.

I have no advice myself, as though I do not have the weed issue I am having problems with other things. My son is 14. Weed is common where I live. I hate the stuff because its so heavy and strong now -
almost like an opiate - and so addictive at this age. I think its one thing to try it once or twice at a party when you're 21 and independant. Quite another to be taking it when your in your teens, when it is more possible to become a habit. I have spoken to my own son about the dangers here. I would have zero tolerance for this at home. Though of course, I would not necessarily know what to do if my son completely flouted my authority. But if he was over 18 and wanted to live this way - I'm not talking about the dreamy, unfocused aspect of being a teenager - but actively seeking out a drug lifestyle and habit, I would have to tell him to go.

I'm sorry other people are going through this. It really is hard. I would also add get on with your own life as much as you can, as we deserve some fun and peace! Meanwhile remember to take precautions in terms of safety, locking things away, etc.