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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How do you deal with the attitude and rudeness?

26 replies

Dancergirl · 06/10/2016 10:58

My middle dd is 13.5, Year 9. She's been showing some pretty common teen behaviour lately - moods, strops, attitude and rudeness.

I by and large try to ignore it and less it pass over which it usually does pretty quickly. But is this the best way to deal with it? I feel uncomfortable not pulling her up on being rude to me.

Yesterday I picked her up from the station after staying late at school for a rehearsal (she could have got the bus home but I said I would pick her up). All started well, she was chatting about her day, then I asked a simple question about what she was telling me and her mood changed instantly. She didn't tell me the rest of the story and I was 'so annoying'. We carried on the journey home in silence. The rest of the evening she had calmed down but was pretty sarcastic and eye rolling for the rest of the evening.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 06/10/2016 11:02

Maybe offered her the opportunity to get a bus the rest of the way home?

MycatsaPirate · 06/10/2016 11:19

I found DD1 went through an awful phase at 13 where she thought she knew everything and I clearly knew nothing.

I ignored her behaviour as much as possible but if she was really rude I'd pull her up on it and tell her not to talk to me like that.

She's 18 now, she was quite nice between 14 and 16 but we seem to have hit another low point where she's really stroppy at times.

The result of that is I refuse to drive her to work and make her take the bus. I won't go out of my way to help someone who is rude to me.

She's off to uni next Feb, I'm hoping the space will improve our relationship!!

Original poster

Dancergirl · 06/10/2016 11:26

Thank you both, it's so hard.

So I'm due to pick her up from the station again tonight, should I give her a warning that if she's rude she's on her own??

OP posts:

PawWavingCat · 06/10/2016 11:26

We've got a 14 year old, year 9 "D"D. I'm watching this thread with interest...

I suppose it also depends on my mood, if I'm ok, then I too let mild rudeness etc. pass. If I feel she's taking the mick, then I might react (not always well ) and tech might be confiscated, depending on her transgression.

I try to keep my temper to a minimum, not sure I always succeed though. I think I let a go, but DD might feel different obviously.

And of course she can only describe me as "annoying" if ever she loses her temper with me No acknowledgement that her rudeness ever contributes to any ill feeling in the house...

PawWavingCat · 06/10/2016 11:29

Dancergirl I would definitely remind my daughter that if she wants me to go out of my way (to pick her up), then I would not expect any bad temper but rather a "thank you" from her. Otherwise next time she'll be making her own way home.

Kit262 · 06/10/2016 21:09

I am feeling so ashamed to write this but I don't know who to turn to my 15 year old son has started to get so angry that now if I tell him off he hits me. I'm so sad I don't know what to do any advice

Bunniesncats · 06/10/2016 21:27

Dancergirl my DD is only 11 and at the moment me sternly saying "attitude" stops her in her tracks am dreading the day it doesn't.
Oh kit262 that's sad. My dnephew went through a phase like that with dsis my b-in-law worked away and wasn't much help so dsis got dnephew into counseling. Are you on your own with him? If you have no back up maybe you could consider counseling for him too. It's one thing to have a stroppy teen but another when it becomes physical. for you.

elephantoverthehill · 06/10/2016 21:34

Kit262 Much sympathy. Have you asked him what would happen to him at school if he hit someone? And so why does he think it is ok at home?

steppemum · 07/10/2016 10:33

dancer girl - ds is same age as your dd. We had had LOADS of teenage stuff since school went beakc in sept.
Having chatted to some other mums, I am not alone, it seems to be a bit of a year 9 thing!

He lost his phone for a week after one bout, and he was clearly told that how he speaks to us will determine his phone use. I have never taken it away for more than 24 hours before, and he hadn't been that bad, but it was the 3rd or 4th incident over 2 weeks and I had had enough.

I think it is fine to say Don't speak to me like that please. And I would make it clear - poor attitude = no lift. I find it sort of builds up until I get cross and put my foot down, a reminder that he isn't God, and then it gets better for a while.
My Mum always said 13 was the hardest year.

Kit - I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Can you talk to him at all when he is calm? I think I would say to him that if he hits, you will call the police. I know that sounds extreme, but physical violence is extremem and if he thinks it is OK to do this now, then he will think it is OK to do it to future partners.
He will probably be very shocked that you suggest it. I would say how much you don't want to, but that he has to take this seriously, and hitting is completely zero tolerance.
I think you will find he will stop, but you may actually have to call the police before he does. If he can control himslef at school, then he can control himself at home.
You may also want to talk about what helps him when he feels angry (loud music, physical exercise, thumping a pillow etc)

CalmItKermitt · 07/10/2016 11:07

DS2 is 13 and deeply unpleasant at the moment. I try not to react to eye rolling and sighing but draw the line at actual rudeness.

The other weekend he was being obnoxious just before I took him to football so when he got in the car I explained firmly but calmly exactly how unacceptable that was and demanded a sincere apology.

He just stared sullenly at the dashboard so I got out, went back inside and made a cup of tea. He sat out there for ten minutes then had to knock on the door to be let in. Apologised and off we went but he's under no illusions that a repeat performance will result in not going at all even if he apologises.

I try to be sympathetic to the stresses of teenage life, what with galloping hormones and moods and shit but I'm not putting up with being a verbal punch bag. Fuck that.

Kit262 · 07/10/2016 11:09

Thanks for your kind words. I have spoken to him I told him I had to talk to the Samaratans and they advised me if he does it again be firm in telling him you are going to tell the police and tell them. I told his dad and he said what sort of a mother calls the police on her own son. He is as good as gold for him. My husband works nights that's mainly when he kicks of. He doesn't I feel support me he tries ignoring me. When my son is good he can be so mature I don't know why he just flips he has a jackel and hide character

steppemum · 07/10/2016 11:23

One thing I have learnt is to avoid a direct confrontation where he has to back down.
I think Calmit's example is a good one. Explain the problem with his/her attitude and then walk away. They often need time and space to get out of the mood, before they can co-operate.
Then they can come to you on their terms and say sorry, can I have a lift now, and all is fine.

Kit - please listen to Samaritans, not ds Dad. he is not daling with a violent young man in the house. It is definitely appropriate to call the police. You don't have to follow through and press charges, but if he knows that he behaviour has crossed that line, he then can make the choice to stop. If no-one tells him just how out of order it is, he won't stop.

Kit262 · 07/10/2016 11:57

I have even thought of leaving and taking the younger two with me but the younger two don't won't to leave their dad. I think I have done something wrong in bringing him up but then I brought the younger two up and they are fine he has always been a difficult child me and my husband broke up when he was 5 and he still remembers that and he became very close to his dad . Im so fed up sometimes I wish I never gave birth to him. I have even thought about suicide . Who would think that tiny little baby you carried around in your belly for nine months would won't you to feel so low

steppemum · 07/10/2016 12:02

Kit - there are many stories on the teen section on mn of parents who are at the end of their tether.
There are also stories from parents who come back on 5 years later and post about their troubled teens and how they are finally getting their act together.
teenagers are really tough, and with your ds there are obviously some anger issues going on for him. Please don't think you are a bad mum because he is playing up. Hold on to that part where you say when he is good he can be so mature. That is the young man who wil grow out of the other side of this.

moggiek · 08/10/2016 03:18

Kit, what does your husband do when you tell him about the violence?

Kit262 · 08/10/2016 09:08

I so hope he grows up to be a credit to me. His dad works nights so when I tell him he speaks to him on the phone and then he tells him of after I push him to do so. Thank you steppemum I so hope I am one of those mums

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 11/10/2016 21:10

Kit, he needs to understand that the next incident could see him in court. Not for hitting, but for injuring you so badly the police have no choice but to arrest. Point out that he might have to leave home, that he might be separated from his siblings, that he will completely wreck his chances of the Forces if that's what he wants.

And last but not least, why are YOU his punchbag? If he feels that much contempt for you, what is he doing in your house with your food in his mouth?

Lellikelly26 · 12/10/2016 15:49

Kit - tell him he can go and live with his Dad if he doesn't respect you and let him go. It is very damaging for his younger siblings not only to witness the behaviour but by your negative emotional state (caused by your son's behaviour). I think it will do your son good to realise he cannot treat anyone like that. Don't tolerate it again.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 19/10/2016 16:19

How is everyone getting on with their teens??

kit - how are things?

We seem to have lost the attitude recently only to be replaced by crying, complaining that no-one likes her and general misery. I'm not sure what's worse!

OP posts:

TethersEnd2016 · 24/10/2016 15:09

My darling daughter (16) argues that black is white and that it's me that's in the wrong and that i'm shouting at her ... yes I am now, but that's cos we've just gone round in circles and you're twisting and arguing with everything I say. I'm very patient but she drives me to distraction. how can I better handle it? I've tried walking away, but she follows me and tells me that I've walked out on her. If I tell her she's being rude, she says how is that rude? what have I done wrong? she ends up a tearful sobbing mess. I'm really starting to enjoy my time away from her. please help me, or just speak to me :-)

fatmumma · 24/10/2016 17:26

I threatened to walk out of my DD parents evening, she was so rude to me..

I know her form teacher and she apparently she is lovely at school just me then that sees a devil child

She is Jekyll and Hyde with mood swings and I am too as hitting menopause, fun times in this house

fatmumma · 24/10/2016 17:28

So no answers tether, my DD is younger but just and for you. - You are not alone

Oblomov16 · 24/10/2016 17:32

We have the rudeness, attitude, but also the woe is me / life is so unfair thing going on ATM.
Is actually creating quite a depressing atmosphere for all, which I quite resent.

FCJ123 · 29/10/2016 19:38

I am so reassured to read these messages, (not that this helps anyone who has posted them), but it's helped me to realise that my 13 yr old is not the only one! My eldest is now 17, and I can't remember her ever having this attitude. 13yr old is rude, bad tempered, only interested in make up, reluctant to do anything that will make her seem 'uncool'. Schoolwork and homework is a battle, and whilst she has been diagnosed as having issues with copying things off the board at school is now refusing to take the paper copies of instructions she is being given for fear of being 'different'.
Despite this when she's nice, she's lovely but when she's not, she defies description!

chickensaresafehere · 01/11/2016 08:25

TethersEnd your post could have been written by me!!
I have a 16 year old daughter,who is generally a good kid,but the moodiness,the engineering of arguments about the slightest little thing & the moaning,about EVERYTHING! To be honest it started just after she started in high school & I have tolerated it but I think that I've come to the end of my tether (quite appropriate!!)with the constant gloominess.Oh she has times when she is your best friend,especially when she wants something or shes going out.
I feel constantly worn down with it & in the past few weeks have been just trying to blank it when she has a meltdown,so her latest trick is to moan that I ignore her all the time & that I don't care.

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