Bedrooms...how bad is too bad?

[Desmondo2016]

I know teenagers bedrooms are meant to be a tip. But how bad is too bad. (She's 18)Am I picking an unecessary battle? should I just close the door on it.It makes me feel anxious just knowing one of the rooms in my house is so filthy. It smells too, which sometimes starts to spread into the landing. her couldnt give a shit attitude towards it infuriates too. Our relationship is fragile at the moment and I'm trying to tread the fine line between laid back and reasonable, and letting her get away with shit behaviour/attitude.

For me, the bedroom is definitely a battle I don't choose. I go in sometimes and collect cups and mugs when we are running low, but other than that I shut the door and stay away.

Disrespectful behaviour definitely needs to be addressed. Attitude and mess are best ignored IMO. I don't always manage to ignore the attitude, mind you, but I am pretty good at ignoring the mess.

If it smells I'm not surprised it's making you anxious.

I read some advice on another thread about jointly tackling it in bite-size chunks, e.g. 5 minutes of picking up, then stop, so the suggestion of 'tidying' isn't immediately overwhelming.

I do understand how you feel.

DS1's is similar. I think it's disgusting, it doesn't seem to bother him in the least. I just shut the door on it. It's not a battle I choose to fight. He's fine in all other ways and is never rude or disrespectful, so if he wants to sleep in a tip that's up to him.

I remember when my 19 year old ds moved out. I wore protective clothing to dismantle his room. It was gross 😷

Thank you for the replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone. the most infuriating thing is it was lovely on Sat. She did it for a friend coming to stay. I'm sure it was probably a surface job only but it looked so nice. then by Thurs it's hideous again!

Got the same at home. DD is mainly messy, but most things are clean and it doesn't smell. I can just about go in and try not to look. DS room though is just a pigsty and I am scared of what I might find.

Like you, I find it hard to ascertain the right balance between ignoring as in picking my battle and considering that it is a clear act of disrespect and expect some effort. The result is that I remind them probably twice a week that they need to sort out their room which gets an 'ok I will' and of course doesn't. This goes on until it gets worse or they are especially getting to me and I will then explode and become angry. If I then say that they have until X time to sort it out, it usually happen, but at different standard depending on their mood at that time and inevitably only last about a day until it's a tip again.

I expect that will go on until the're gone!

I lowered my standards enormously when mine were teens. The only rules were that the door had to be able to shut (as I didn't want to see the mess!), and it didn't smell.
Trying to make them keep it clean and tidy was an utter waste of my energy - it took me far too long to learn this :)
They now both have their own homes and generally keep them reasonable.

I go in every now and again and open the windows to air the room. I'm sure most of the smell is because she is in there with doors and windows closed all the time. If I happen to leave the window open and it ends up being a bit cold in her room then all the better.