14 yo son depressed or just a teenager?!

[kerrys1]

My eldest DS is 14, 15 in Dec. He keeps having major melt downs, crying, saying no one listens/understands, isn't happy, doesn't have any motivation. All he wants to do is play on his bloody phone! He used to play rugby up until last week and has now quit. Now he does no exercise at all! He says he feels depressed. I try and just listen as he doesn't want to hear my advice, but half the time I think he's lazy and bloody selfish! But is he depressed?

He probablydoes not even know that himself.

Wether it is depression or not, he seems unhappy, can you ask him if he could change something in his life, what would that be?

I would try to get to the root of the unhappines. Does he have (nice) friends?

Maybe it is unrequitted love?

Why did he stop exercising? He needs to do something. Running or whatever. With people or on his own. The endorphins will make a huge difference to how he feels.

Thank you for your reply! I've asked him what he'd like to do and I'd take him/arrange it, he said nothing makes him happy, just distracts him for a while. He does have a group of friends that he's had for some years, but none of them "play out". He says he's not happy with himself. I do think all his mates have girlfriends and he never has. I don't know whether to make him go out or leave him be?

Not sure why he stopped exercising! He used to really enjoy it! Although he said that dad and I were never allowed to go watch, so we didn't. We then got asked to do the rugby kitchen rota, and next thing you know he's quit!

How are things at school?

He's actually doing really well at school, he's moved up a few classes in the last year, which is good, but obviously the works harder. He's very quiet this morning.

He is asking for help. His behavior has changed recently and he told you he is depressed. Please mom, take him seriously.
Clearly he is not willing to tell you what happened since you've tried. Is there a therapist or social worker at school he can talk to? He needs to talk to someone. It's not "laziness" or "selfishness". Those character flaws don't develop overnight. Something happened or something came to a head to make him suddenly quit sports and become "very quiet". You need to take him seriously.

I am taking it seriously. That's why I'm asking for advice. Its just he has these melt downs when I ask him to help around the house. which could be his inability to cope with anything I guess, or a natural reaction for a 14 yo. I'm gong to help him sort some form of exercise and then yes, next step is getting someone he can talk to.

Is it worth asking him to start rugby and you can stop the kitchen rota. I'm sure the coach would understand if you explained.

Or take him out cycling. Fresh air and exercise. Great for feeling good.

Can you also have a quiet word with his friends or school? If you think they can keep your confidence.

It can be difficult to tell with teenagers, but this sounds a lot like how one of my male friends at school when he was 15. He was struggling with accepting he was gay and how to express that or keep it secret. I'm not jumping to conclusions as it could be anything, being that age is tough and it could be depression or anything, but just suggesting it could be something like that?

Have you asked him outright if he feels depressed? He could always be referred to CAMHS to talk to someone professional in case that helps.

He said himself he doesn't feel depressed, just angry and frustrated all the time. We are quite open, and he knows if he was gay it wouldn't be an issue, but I might just reiterate that, although I don't think it's that. I'm going to start him off on some exercise, may be swimming. Don't think he'd want to go cycling with his mum, too embarrassed!
Thanks to everyone for helpful advice xx

First stop, GP. They will refer you, if they think it's necessary. They can also give him access to some online resources specifically for young adults...

See if there's a counsellor or student support at school. It's often harder for hem to go at school as they are concerned about being seen or information being passed on.

Good luck. I'm about six months on from you

Would he benefit from a father to son chat, or is there anyone else in the family he'd talk to