Help me understand this teen girl behaviour

[EsmeCordelia]

Dd, 14 has been friends with 3 others since age 11. One of the girls has a bee in her bonnet about dd. Well maybe about the others too but I only hear dds woes. She will often put dd down in front of everyone: why would you Wear that? Type of comment re dds outfit. She blanked dd for weeks because dd went to a sleepover this girl wasn't invited to (only dd was). They are in many of the same classes and sit together (not free choice of seating so coincidence) but she will talk over dd to others and act like dd is invisible, if dd does well in class this girl belittles it like oh the teacher made a mistake. Dd says when this girl is happy with her it is like the sun is shining on her, but it is baltic when she is displeased with dd. It is a small school and difficult to avoid someone plus dds other friends are still friendly with this girl. Dd has other friends but at different schools but has not had to deal with this behaviour before. I am at a loss for what to say to dd. I do not understand why this girl is so mean and I am trying to see how dd could be at fault but she is so distressed for such a long time that I cannot see how she could be.

Anyone?

She sounds jealous of your DD. The fact she didn't go to the party and your DD did, and putting her down to make herself seem better.

It's really horrible for your DD and I don't know how she could handle it. I think she needs to ditch this 'friend'

God this friend sounds bloody toxic.

Tell your dd that in life, some friends are not all they appear to be. This girl is not a friend. Friends do not treat each other like that.

Distance herself and if the other girl starts with the 'why aren't you my friend any more?' or 'why aren't you talking to me?' then your dd can reply along the lines of 'I choose to spend my time with people I like and people who don't put me down. You don't fall into either category so jog on'.

Trying to explain kids/teens that friendships may not last forever is hard. But some friends will be there for a lifetime and some will be in and out of your life after a short time. Some people will only be friends so they can use you, some will be only friends because they need someone to put down. Don't be that friend and don't let anyone else treat you like that.

It's a power trip.
The girl who does it, isn't evil... to some extent your DD colludes with the whole thing (this doesn't make her at fault either). It just feels natural to both & the dominant girl lacks empathy (kids lack empathy).

tbh, DD had a mate like this when they were both 6yo (yeah really).
The school moved DD to another class & years later DD would regard other girl with puzzlement: Why was she so popular back in year 1?

Working hard on other friendships is probably best way out.

Bitchy bully. She will get what she deserves.

Help your daughter to work on self esteem and not care.

The girl is not a friend. DD should avoid avoid avoid!

Cats Eye by Margaret Atwood is a brilliant novel about this.

My DD had to deal with something similar in Yr 8. The girl had been a proper friend previously as well (now just in yr 10) and to make matters worse friend's mum and I are friends.

I just explained to DD that people change and she did not have to spend time with someone who was constantly putting her down, and the odd times of "sun" were the so-called-friend's way of keeping her hanging on a hook. I encouraged DD to make friends with others (which was a bit difficult as it was a new school (whole other story!) and she finds it a bit difficult to talk to new people. I asked who else she knew, luckily 2nd cousin was also there and welcomed her into their peer group with open arms. It did take the entire of yr 8 to resolve thBuough and all DH and I could do throughout was comfort DD whenever she was upset and then gradually build up her other friendships.

It hasn't affected my friendship with the mother (we agreed years ago in infants that kids friendships and parent's ones are wholly separate).

However, if it is bothering your daughter so much, could you talk to the school and see if seating can be re-arranged? This early in the term, the teachers should be able to do it fairly easily without too much emphasis? They should also be aware (if only for monitoring) that this girl is constantly putting others down, in case it develops further.

Hope your DD gets settled and is able to find proper friends soon.

It's definitely a power trip.
I would say walk away from this girl and all her friends. But if this is not possible because the school is too small, then her other option is to fight back. If she doesn't fight back, she'll just have to wait this girl out, and that could be tomorrow or next year.
By "fighting back", I mean challenge her. When bully girl says "Eww, why would you wear that?!", DD can say something along the lines of "Hmm... cuz my butt isn't as sizable as yours??" Or maybe something not directly related to her comment like "Hmm.. cuz you are short??" Anyway, something kinda insulting but also kinda funny.
Fighting back is not for everyone for sure. But if dd can pull it off, might be worth a try. The idea is to let the bully girl know that dd is not an easy target.
Good luck!!

So sorry to hear your DD is going through this. While ideally she would just move onto another seton f friends, I would strongly encourage your DD to fight back as described above. Much better to not ever notice the bitchy intent, just smile and nod or even say thank you. Only works if she can be confident to never showing that it gets to her. All the best..