DD aged just 15 is being constantly ignored and left out

[Stresssed1968]

My DD, 15 yesterday, is constantly left out of conversations, in-jokes, invitations etc. Her best friend moved last August so she has been finding her feet a bit with the other girls and often ends up being the 'third wheel (f hate that expression! - even the teachers use it). Obviously I am biased BUT she really is a sweet kid, she's kind, generous, has a good sense of humour and doesn't expect the other kids to fall over themselves to be nice to her, just to include her. Two girls in particular were friendly but now seem to be making a point of being nasty and crap to her. She came home from school today in tears saying she just can't take anymore and the drama of it all is wearing her out. Something similar happened to another girl a year ago and the parents involved teachers and it just went from bad to worse until the poor girl was sent to another school. I'm reluctant to involve the school, don't know the parents of the girls involved well enough to speak to them and just want to make it all better for my daughter. Any advice would be very welcome!

This is at school!

Not much advice but a great deal of sympathy... Nothing on earth would persuade me to be a 15 year old girl again!

One thing my mum used to tell me which helped was that school is a totally unnatural situation, where you are thrown together with people you have nothing in common with other than your age... It helped me to remember that soon enough I'd be able to choose friends based on far more than date of birth!

That's good advice and very true! Can't get my head around the fact that some girls are just plain nasty and neither can my DD - trying to raise our kids to be good, kind, inclusive and then they go to school with kids who are boastful, mean and spiteful - don't get it. Grrrrr

I had a discussion with DS a long time ago when he was in Y7. He was having friendship problems in that he was on the edge of a group of people who were 'popular'. Sometimes he was included sometimes excluded. There were other, more 'geeky' boys that he was less keen to befriend but who actually had more in common with him. He spent more time talking to them and they are now a good solid group. They don't do the party thing that the old group did but they go out and have fun, and are nice to eachother (insomuch as boys are!).

So my advice to your DD is to have a look round her classroom. There may well be other girls who would welcome her into their group.

I totally sympthise with you, its so hard for both child and mum in this situation. My 12 yr old is in a similar situation always trying to be part of a group but feeling on the outside. She's an happy bubbly kind hearted girl so I cant understand it either. Ive thought about moving shcools too but I dont think that is the answer, especially not in your case with her being 15. I've just come to the conclucion that its just girls and it will get better when she is older and more sure if herself. My son is 16 and has'nt had these problems. I agree with post above in seeing if there are any other girls in the class that she could try to befreind? It's so difficult to know what to do...

I would try to get her to expand her friendships so she doesn't rely on thexe girls.
Does she not do anything outside of school, where she has other friends?

School is such an unnatural environment to make friends in - can you encourage any out of school activities where she might have more in common eg sports or youth club etc

I agree with the responses about expanding friendship groups. Something similar happened to me in Y11, we were a group of 4 and out of the blue they started doing things without me, planned a trip after exams without me (best friend's parents and my parents were v.good friends and they ended up telling my mum as they felt bad) and it was a shitty time. I don't remember the tears but my mum said they were often. My mum never slagged off my friends, just reassured me that friendships drift and to perhaps take a break from hanging out with these 'friends'. She somehow got me to see that I didn't need to be friends with people that didn't want to be friends with me. I found new friends and I was fine, but I think in hindsight my mum got me to feel like it was my decision to make, and that gave me the strength to just say fuck 'em!

In addition to this I also teach teenagers, this stuff infuriates me but I always try to make the child see they're own value. That they don't need validation from others.

I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this.

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I'll blame the time and tiredness!

I really feel for you . My daughter has had a terrible time with similar during her Senior School years . She is year 11 now & about to sit her GCSE's & it's still going on ( as you can imagine we have enough stress with exam stress let alone bitchy girls ) it was the leaving her out spiteful behaviour I found the hardest to deal with
I hate the thought of her sitting alone in her room while the others are off on a day out but " Forgot to invite her " 😩😩😩it's heartbreaking
The worst time was when her best friend from being a toddler decided to be drawn towards the " popular / rich girl " of the school & her group of mean girls . Obviously the lure of daddy's house in London was too much , then the holidays she was invited on etc . My DD was totally left out in the cold & never invited . Then it escalated into as my DD walked into the room the " new group " would sneer & snigger then just get up & walk out & leave my DD on her own 😁😁😁 was bloody awful & when my DD used to come home in tears I used to seethe internally & just try to stay outwardly calm & reassuring but I could've swung for these girls . It didn't help that said girls mum ( friend since toddler ) is my friend . My DH used to tell me to say something but I kept out of it & just tried to support my DD
The Pastoral Care teacher @ school was a Godsend as my DD was so upset by it all it was noticed @ school . She encouraged a new friendship group but not easy to move on etc
Good luck with your DD . I think girls & friendship groups are always more bitchy / mean than boys
It's no wonder I drink !!!

I know this is a very old thread…just wondering how things worked out? My dd is going through similar and I’m just wondering what helped and if/when things improved. Thanks