Rules for living happily with a nearly 18 yearl old.....

[Peaceandl0ve]

Please help, we have come to the conclusion that it is time to let go of pur DD but still want a set of rules for co-living, and a set of repercussions if rules are not followed. We are v. rural, DD shares my car, just by way of context, the rules etc might be diff for town dwellers where public transport is available. Ta in advance....

I have a DD 21 and a DS 17. These are the two rules for DD

She tells us if she is coming home tonight. She has her own car so transport i snot an issue. If we were car sharing I would expect her to check it is ok to have the car and that it brought back on time. Also do you expect petrol used to be replaced?Repercussion here is simple - no car if rules are not followed

My second one is that I am not a mindreader so unless you tell me you require an evening meal then how I am suppose to know. Repercussion is in place permanently now because she didn't bother. She is vegetarian so it's not so simple.

Oh forgot a third one is if washing isn't in the wash basket then it don't get washed.

Given up on any other rules.

Emigrate. It's the only answer.

A) that you are not a mind reader, and that it is necessary to communicate.
B) that the car is borrowed and not yours for the taking
C) that you need to ask permission to eat food from the fridge. I've 'lost' supper too many times.

In case you can't emigrate, put shed in bottom of the garden. Fill with nice coffee, nice biscuits, Radio 4 in the background and a mini fridge of G&Ts.

Wait it out.

Repercussions of
A) no taxi service available home from party as request has not been made
B) no car keys to be found anywhere. (Well I know where they are)
C) no supper!

DD (19) is at uni and rarely home. DS (18) is still at school.

Text if you are not coming home.

Let me know if you do not want an evening meal.
Do your own washing and ironing.
If you cook, clear up your own mess
Cups and plates in the dishwasher
For DS - back by 11 on a school night and expectation that homework/revision is done first.

Sanction is not being able to use the car (no public transport here so very effective)

Pretty much the same rules as for any adult living in the household:

let me know when you are not going to be in at an expected time

especially let me know if you do not want a meal

if you want to use a communal resource (e.g. a car if old enough to drive) you check with everybody else affected first

if you want to eat communal food (other than what is normally provided for a certain time, e.g. toast for breakfast) check with others first

do not put just your own wash load in the machine: washing machines need to be filled up for environmental/economy reasons, so think about other people's washing too

do not flounce, slam doors, shout at people or call people names: this is not how adults behave in this family

if coming home late in the evening please be considerate of other people who may want their sleep

do not put just your own wash load in the machine: washing machines need to be filled up for environmental/economy reasons, so think about other people's washing too I do all the washing as I know the washing machine would be on every five minutes for one item of clothing.

My DH can be worse than the DC about meals. Comes home and says I don't need tea I ate out or had a late lunch'. He can't understand why I am annoyed and why couldn't he have let me know when he was having the late lunch. By the time he comes home I am already cooking

Our rule is text when you get in (so if I wake up at 4am, I just need to look at my phone, not traipse down a half flight of stairs) and text if you're not coming home.

We are also very rural so similar issues. I don't really think of things as "rules" like I did when DC were little, just considerations that have evolved.

DS just 18 is allowed to borrow my car. We are willing to chauffeur to parties but must know in advance. He doesn't go out in the evening that much - maybe once or twice a month. If he is coming home late at night he texts when setting off.
It's a family home, I keep the fridge full and he can eat what he wants but eats evening meal with us unless he's going out.
I'm happy to do all the washing. I don't want four people doing separate lots.
I've never encountered flouncing or door slamming or I might be much less tolerant.

Thanks for the replies, they are all wise and sensible. I knew they would be; I think I have been too heavy handed in some respects as I like to know where she is sleeping but she doesnt always want to tell me. The advise here suggests perhaps it is time to let go. We have problems generally with our different interpretion of communication, and what does first thing in the morning mean for returning the car!

Probably time to let go a little bit re knowing where she is, OP. It is only a few months before her cohort, and possibly she herself, head off to uni, where they will be completely outside of anyone's control. Accept that she is in all likelihood going to have a sexual life and that this is only your business insofar as she chooses to tell you.

For things like the car, I would be very specific: I need it back before 9 o'clock.

True about letting go re
knowing where she is, I am working on dealing with my anxiety and controlling tendencies!