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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My son is violent towards me - I've had enough

24 replies

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 11/04/2016 22:57

My DS, aged 11, has uncontrollable tempers. He breaks things but also is violent towards me. He hit me with a broom today, leaving a nasty bruise. I have been to GP, got CAHMS referral but was refused assistance. Been to family counseling privately but can't afford to continue with it. He also hits DH, his Dad. We are at the end of our tether. Would calling the police be an overreaction?

OP posts:
neolara · 11/04/2016 22:59

No, definitely not an overreaction.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 11/04/2016 23:01

I would, he needs help.

Original poster
ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 11/04/2016 23:01

Would they arrest him or just caution him do you think?

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 11/04/2016 23:03

I think he needs to realise that people cannot behave in this way. May be the police could help him understand this?

KindDogsTail · 11/04/2016 23:05

Go back to the GP.
GPs can prescribe counselling or another referral.

Original poster
ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 11/04/2016 23:07

It really needs to stop. He has injured his dad the times in the last month and me today ( it has happened before). I feel that he will kill one of us eventually. Does anyone have experience of how the police would handle it if I called them?

OP posts:
Original poster
ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 11/04/2016 23:07

That should read three times in the last month.

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 11/04/2016 23:20

Maybe this organisation might have some advice OP.
www.familylives.org.uk/
I saw it mentioned in these government guidelines: www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/420963/APVA.pdf

Original poster
ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 11/04/2016 23:32

Thank you. I have seen the family lives website but not the other document. I have had a skim through and it is quite reassuring. It hits the nail on the head about reluctance to seek help - the immediate suspicion is that the family is awful and child has been exposed to abuse and/or neglect. Not true for us. I also fear or other son would be taken away from us which would be too terrible to contemplate. The document acknowledges these fears but I'm not sure it means that are unfounded.

Has anyone called the police and what did they do? I don't want my son to have a criminal record - I just want the violence to stop.

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 11/04/2016 23:54

1.12 & 1.13 Say the most about that, but you probably have read that now.

Blu · 12/04/2016 05:12

Very upsetting, OP, sorry you are dealing with this.

Does he have the same issues at school? Can they help with getting help or an assessment?

In your shoes, I would call the Family Lives help line before calling the police. It sounds as if he needs help to manage his anger and temper. Did the family counseling make any difference at all? I am shocked that your GP turned you away with no counseling for him. Or rather I know CAMHS are bursting at the seams but (without any knowledge or experience) I thought GP's could prescribe counseling.

I would worry that without any help to get to the bottom of his anger and temper, Calling the police will simply result in a few police interviews, he begins to develop a 'whatever' attitude to the police and dies end up with a caution. Which IS a criminal record.

How do you think he would respond to the police being called?

knitknack · 12/04/2016 05:30

Tell the school!! I am a pastoral leader and if I heard that a year 7 had used violence towards his mum or dad I would immediate make a MARF (multi-agency) referral. (They may think a CAF better, but I'd disagree. A CAF is a form that accesses help but takes a bit longer). 'Multi-agency' IS the police, social services, NHS etc - it's your doorway to help. Ask to speak directly with the DSL (designated safe-guarding leader) and be honest - they'll have heard it before as well as much worse! I talk to a crying parent most days - and am one myself regularly too! Ring them today.

SpecialNonOperations · 12/04/2016 06:22

I think telling the school would be the best idea, too. They might have other ideas for programs and help, and hopefully he would get help, not punishment. My heart goes out to you. I'd personally want to go a different route to calling the cops, but you must keep yourself safe.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 12/04/2016 06:28

Yanbu to call the police. Get this sorted while he is a child.

KindDogsTail · 12/04/2016 12:02

Op why not try calling this helpline for parents to see if they could advise you?
www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/parent_helpline

I am more with Blu or knitnak
It is shocking your son has not been helped after you saw the GP.
This is a child, what is going wrong for him?

I often hear or read about a child psychologist Oliver James. Maybe you could also send him an email enquiry about what approach you should take, as the GP system has not helped. He might well answer

Original poster
ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 12/04/2016 14:01

Thank you - I will phone the parent helplines mentioned.

Is getting the school involved different from calling police/social services myself?

I will also go back to the GP.

The family therapy helped a little in identifying triggers but I could not afford to continue so we didn't get further than that. It was £140 a session. I am looking into cheaper options though.

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 12/04/2016 14:54

It was £140 a session.
That does seem extremely expensive.

It seems the health service is under strain and may not be functioning properly, but the GP/another GP should surely be helping and getting you free counselling or some other help.

I am not sure about school vs. the police personally as I have no direct experience. Perhaps another poster knows more. It would seem unlikely though that the school would involve the police when home is where he is being aggressive from what you say.

Was he always like this or has it started more recently? It must be very difficult and upsetting for you all.

Original poster
ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 12/04/2016 15:30

He has always been emotionally highly strung but the violence has been since he started secondary school. Verbal abuse started much earlier but has become a lot worse along with the violence.

OP posts:
knitknack · 12/04/2016 18:58

School! The MARF is the correct way because it's a 'cry for help and support' rather than 'I need somebody arrested'... Ring the school tomorrow.

KindDogsTail · 12/04/2016 19:19

I hope it works out ivegot.

LoubyLou145 · 12/04/2016 19:25

What were the triggers?
My 10 yr old can be very violent, he has ASD and PDA (pathological demand avoidance). When he's anxious, it presents as anger and (if we don't help him to reduce the anxiety) violence. I'm not saying this is the case for your ds, but it might be worth looking at and looking at the strategies that help,
There's a book called The Explosive child which might help.
We haven't had to ring the police, but I know others who have, and it has helped because there is evidence that this is happening, which has helped to get some support.

teza · 27/01/2020 03:04

my son is exactly the same , yesterday , I have overactive thyroid I have too take 2 tablets 3 times a day yesterday I'd taken first lot my son then demanded I take more I said no I cant take anymore till 1PM he kicked off , throwing things , kicking holes in doors hit me in was so.frightened of him I locked him out the house told him too calm down this didnt happen he threw stones at my window was extremely abusive that one of the neighbours called the police who then turned up , 1 of them spoke too him in.his toom he apologized and my parents took him back too their house as he lives with them I only get 1 weekend a month contact and I'm at the stage were I dont want him back in my house again enoughs enough

belay · 28/01/2020 15:16

Does he game? Only asking because that's what caused our DS to be violent

belay · 04/02/2020 19:05

How are you op?

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