13 year old spiralling out of control

[Rainbow00]

I need some advice of what to do next. My DS is 13 years old and his behaviour at school is spiralling out of control and I'm really not sure what to do about it. We've (me, step dad and dad) have had various meetings with his teacher to try and sort it out and to help him but nothing seems to of worked. Just this week he has been put on report and had a personal support plan put in place which we thought was going to help him but today (Thursday) he swore at a teacher so has had a two day fixed term exclusion. I really don't know what to do now?

Tonight we have been to parents evening and apart from the one subject where he's having quite a few issues, the teachers were quite pleased with him considering everything else that's going on.

I am at a lost any suggestions/help would be much appreciated.

Hi Rainbow00,

I have no personal experience of what you are going through but I do have a 13 yo son. If I started to see a severe decline in his behaviour and application at school, I think first I would speak to him to see if he could tell me why (I mean, really listen, allowing lots of long silences to develop which he would hopefully eventually fill). I would ask him what sort of support might make a difference to him, and why he is struggling to behave in the way that school/home/society expects. I would remind him that the only future that is negatively affected by his poor behaviour is his own.

I would buy him these books, all of which my sons have read: How2BeHappy, the Art of Being a Brilliant Teenager, Get Out of My Life (But First Take Me & Alex Into Town), and The Teenage Guy's Survival Guide.

I would get him some counselling (talking therapy) with a professional, if he would be prepared to do it/if you could afford it or get referred on the NHS.

I would leave him alone as much as possible, but be strict about the rules that really matter, including eating proper food, getting enough sleep, going to school, keeping safe, clean and healthy.

I would continue to try to do things with him outside of school (family trips etc) to give him other things to focus on, and would take every opportunity to remind him of his strengths and successes, as well as reinforcing good behavioural expectations at every turn.

Best of luck to you. xx

I think that would be my strategy too.

I'd research other things to see if they applied such as ASD and ADHD.

Swearing at a teacher must mean he is either very angry (you need to try to find out why or has problems with impulse control - or both - or is afraid of something)

Very best wishes. I hope he continues to make good progress at school.

We've all tried talking to him/at him/letting him talk/listening/long silences/both firm and soft approach and he is very much a closed book. Although he has admitted he's angry but not sure what about, so I suppose that's something but other than this were not sure what's going on with him or what triggers the behaviours.

He doesn't and won't read but I suppose I could just buy one and leave it lying around he may read it!!

He's already on the waiting list for counselling so I guess we'll see with that, hopefully it'll work.

Yes we are leaving him, to a certain extent, on his own. He is aware of the rules and boundaries but still he's 13 and tries to push them all the time!!

Only the other day we were doing some baking and interacting well but then another day I offered to take him out and do something with him but he refused point blank and was having none of it. So it's a bit hit and miss really to what mood he's in to what he wants to do.

Kids moods very unpredictable.

Would a reward system help calm behaviour at school? I know they may seem bit old for that, but not a star chart, but an extra hour or two on Xbox maybe.
Kid may toe the line if a pizza hut or kfc bucket on offer to conform :-)

Yes their moods are very unpredictable!!

Yes we've got that already in place. As he's on report If he gets 5 or above at school he gets a treat either choosing something for tea/30 mins extra on Xbox or other. It appears to work for a short period (2/3 days) and then he has a wobble. It is very much hit and miss at the moment.

It sounds as though all the adults in your family are working together to resolve this which is great from one point of view. But maybe your DS just feels overwhelmed by the onslaught of adult 'controls and concerns' and just craves a bit more control himself over his own life. Perhaps you could choose one parent/step-parent who agrees to be the bad cop and have the other two back off a little and even be the whipping boy if he needs to let off steam. It's a difficult age in between childhood and young adulthood.

Does he like school? Will he do homework? Is he a restless kinda person? If the parents (you!) are decent, loving people, and there are no other obvious pointers or upheavals in his life, what other explanations do you have? My 13 year old has started to have difficulties and struggle at school. I am beginning to think mild ADHD (see my other posts in SN section) as this fits in with his other behaviour. That is not to say there are no boundaries or that poor behaviour is tolerated in this case, but it does require a different approach. That may not be your situation at all of course .. but just a thought.