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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should I tell her parents? wwyd?

26 replies

HesMyLobster · 28/10/2015 00:15

dd15 had been invited to go to an event with a friend she knows through a club this week.Her friend's parents were doing lifts there and back.

When I asked her today if plans, times etc had been confirmed, she said she didn't want to go anymore.

Apparently friend told her today that actually her 'boyfriend' was going to take them and bring them back. I was surprised, didn't know dd's friend had a boyfriend, especially not one old enough to drive.

After a few more questions it transpired that the boyfriend is in fact at least 10 years older, and that he's connected to the activity they both do.(loosely connected, I've never met him) and that they have been "seeing" each other for a couple of months.

Friend had told dd not to tell me about the boy, and to say another friends parents were doing the lifts, which is presumably what she has told her parents.

dd is pretty sure friend's parents don't know anything about this relationship.

Friend is 16, but it still doesn't feel quite right to me and can't stop thinking about it.

Should I tell dd's friend's parents? I know them a little bit through the club they both go to, have had coffee occasionally etc. If it was my dd I'd want to know, but is it my place to say something?

OP posts:
FanSpamTastic · 28/10/2015 00:18

Yes - I have 2 daughters. I would want to know if my 16 year old was going out with a 26 year old.

Floundering · 28/10/2015 00:18

Your daughter is obviously concerned or she would not have mentioned it.

I would want to know personally.

TheExMotherInLaw · 28/10/2015 00:21

It's a tough one, and it may well split the girls up as friends, but yes, tell the parents. The age gap, at 16, is too great. It may not be your place to say, but now you know, I think it would be more wrong not to say something.

wickedwaterwitch · 28/10/2015 00:29

Yes, tell them, I'd want to know. But just think about how to handle it with your Dd - I wonder if she hoped you'd step in?

surpriseitsme · 28/10/2015 00:29

I would definitely want to know and I would definitely tell too!

wickedwaterwitch · 28/10/2015 00:30

And it sounds as if your dd decided not to go because she was worried so you'd be right to tell the parents I think. I'd be glad you told me if I were them.

FeelsLikeHome123 · 28/10/2015 00:36

In the parent's shoes I would want to know.

wickedwaterwitch · 28/10/2015 00:37

It's a big age gap at that age too.

wickedwaterwitch · 28/10/2015 00:37

Sorry for setting bleeding obvious

ChipsandGuac · 28/10/2015 00:42

I would call the parents just as a general, "I thought you were driving and now DD says that your DD's boyfriend is driving. Is he a good driver?" kind of thing.

wickedlazy · 28/10/2015 00:43

I would tell your dd that you are going to tell them, but that you aren't going to tell them she told you. You could say that you were snooping through her phone and found out that way, or overheard her talking on phone or something. Your dd can then pretend she knows nothing about your chat with them/that you know, and can stay out of it. Is she worried about her friends relationship with this man?

Original poster
HesMyLobster · 28/10/2015 00:43

Thank you all for your replies.

TheEx hit the nail on the head I think - now I know it would be more wrong not to say something.

The next question is - How?

I'm not due to see her for at least a week. We mostly communicate by text, it would be very unusual for me to call. But is it something I can put in a text message?

OP posts:
wickedlazy · 28/10/2015 00:45

I wouldn't put in a text message. Call or face to face.

wickedlazy · 28/10/2015 00:45

*it in

Original poster
HesMyLobster · 28/10/2015 00:47

I think she is worried, she knows it's not right and is uncomfortable about the lying.

That's a good idea about saying I saw a message on her phone, I don't want to cause problems between dd and friend, they spend a lot of time together.

OP posts:
TheExMotherInLaw · 28/10/2015 00:49

Text to organise a face to face chat. Organising the meetup by text will mean you don't get drawn into explaining why, but then face to face for the real talk, as she is likely to get quite upset.

babarthefuckingelephant · 28/10/2015 00:52

Yes, I know you've already come to the decision but the poor girl may actually think its a proper relationship and might not even realise whats going on. I was groomed at 13 by a 28 year old. Im 25 this year and its only now I'm getting closer to his age than the age I was that its dawning on me just how wrong and sick it was. Its way too big an age gap at that age.

bettyberry · 28/10/2015 01:01

Have you sat down with your daughter yet and talked to her about it? I think its fair you talk to her and tell her you have to tell her friends mother (wait until after you have told the mother if you want) and that a relationship with someone of 25/26 is inappropriate with someone age 16. Your daughter clearly feels uncomfortable/knows its not right and you need to sit down with her and explain why you have to because this could lead to her not telling you things in the future iyswim.

Has the friend recently turned 16? can your daughter specify exactly how many months they have been 'dating'? what role is the 25yolds in the club? is he a participant or is he in a leader role?

It doesn't take away that is inappropriate but if the friend is newly 16 this takes the relationship into a whole new area and if the man in question is in a supervisory/leader role at the club they attend then there's all of the legalities of being in a role of responsibility that goes with it too.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/10/2015 01:06

would it be possible for you to meet her for lunch or a quick coffee during the work day?? Or a drink just after work?

With a text first just to say you need to have a quick chat about an issue with the girls and it needs to be before the weekend?

Original poster
HesMyLobster · 28/10/2015 16:10

I sent a text asking if we could meet. She said she was chock a block busy all this week and could we do next week.
I replied that I needed to talk to her before that, naturally she asked why.
I said just a concern about the girls and she started getting really stressed and asked me to please just tell her and that I was scaring her.

I tried to call her during my lunch hour but she sent a text saying she couldn't talk at work and to please just text her with whatever was wrong.

So I sent a text explaining that I'd accidentally seen a message from her dd to mine, saying that "Dave" was going to drive them to the event.

She replied with oh yes, "Dave" is a friend and we knew he was taking them.

So now what do I say?
Do I tell her that dd says they're more than friends?

OP posts:
titchy · 28/10/2015 17:01

Yes you do tell her Dave is more than a friend. If he is then the parents need to do something. If he is just a friend but the 16 year old has designs on him then her parents need a chat, and Dave needs to warned as it puts him in an awkward position.

Floundering · 03/11/2015 08:38

How did it go lobster ?

Original poster
HesMyLobster · 06/11/2015 07:44

Hi sorry for the late update, have had some problems with my mn account.
I met with dd's friend's mum a few days ago, and told her my concerns.
Apparently they do know he's more than a friend but have decided to try to control/monitor the situation, rather than make a huge drama and ban her from seeing him, because they are worried that would just push them closer together.
I do sort of understand her logic, but it still doesn't feel right to me.
I suppose she's made the decision to treat her dd as an adult rather than as a child.
I'm not sure what I'd do in her situation.
I did ask about his role at the club and whether that's where it started/ how he approached her etc but she seemed reluctant to talk about that side of things and I didn't want to push it during that first conversation, as I got the impression she hasn't talked to anyone outside the family about it and was uncomfortable with me knowing.

OP posts:
Gobletofgin · 07/11/2015 17:53

If he is connected to the hobby in a way that puts him in a position of trust, like a leader or instructor then I think you should report to ss as what he is doing is inappropriate. Not sure what to say about the mother, by letting her dd carry on seeing him, she is not safeguarding her daughter is she? There is no way in the world my dd would be going out with someone 10 years older when she was 16.

FeelsLikeHome123 · 07/11/2015 18:02

I doubt she is treating her as an adult. More likely , she is letting it run it's course. If she makes too much fuss now, her dd would dig her heels in. This way, she's likely to get bored with the lack of drama. Let's hope her dd doesn't rock up pregnant like my bf did when we were teenagers before the romance runs it's course.