DD drunk, wrecked room and now gone out

[Clare1971]

Have had awful 18 months with DD (17) including an overdose and serious self harm. Things have been a bit better recently and she is due to start a new job tomorrow. Today she appeared to be slurring her words and I thought she might have been drinking or had taken something so when she asked for a lift into town to meet a friend DH and I refused to take her. Cue huge row, smashed up her room and drank half a bottle of spirits. At some point she self-harmed again though not deep cuts. Then lots of tears, after which she asked for a lift into town again! Refused again and after a while she walked into town herself. I suppose we could have stood in her way but to be honest, I think it would have become violent if we had as I was as close to losing my temper as she was. She has since texted to say she is sorry, and that she is safe. She hasn't been violent like this before. What the hell do I do now?

Do you think she is scared about starting her new job tomorrow? It's good she's let you know she's safe. Would she come home if you said sorry too?

Yes, I'm sure it's anxiety about the new job, however I suspect she will have carried on drinking and will be so hung over tomorrow that she won't make the new job. Have had another text asking of I will pick her up at 11. I feel she is taking the piss, but I can't say no can I? Am 50% angry and 50% really worried. Not sure I feel the need to say sorry either.

Would she drink some water to help the hangover? Hope she's ok for tomorrow and you can pick her up. They really put us through it!!!

She is home and very drunk. Not sure where she is going to sleep as her room is wrecked. I am going to bed before I get into another row. Thanks for your support!

Sounds like anxiety to me too. Hope she's ok tomorrow. It's so difficult to stay one step ahead of DC at that age. In future I would suggest setting boundaries on what time is the latest you would pick her up on, say a Sunday night, and stick to them - for your own sake as much as hers.

Hope things went ok today? X

Sort of. She got herself up and went to work. She has come home and cleared away all the damaged stuff in her room. However, DH is still so angry he can't bring himself to talk to her and the atmosphere is awful. We need to sit down and talk but DH just feels he will lose his temper if we try it tonight so I have said we will talk tomorrow. She is on edge as she knows nothing is resolved but maybe that won't do her any harm. Still not quite sure what needs to be said when we do talk.

I think it would be best left till everyone is calmer and you have worked out what needs to be said. This needs to be along the lines of what you regard as unacceptable behaviour and boundaries that you want to implement. Of course you need to ask her for her side of things and what she thought of her behaviour. Good luck!

If she reacts like this to anxiety then will being frightened of what her father has to say be helping?
Can you stall DH until you've had a non confrontational chat with her. See if she can talk you through what happened. See if she can figure out how to sort her room out. Then once she has a proposal together she can talk to DH with something to work with.

Have you thought about seeing the doctor and a referral to CAMMHS?

Already have CAMHS. She attends mostly but doesn't really open up. She's very good at telling them she can cope and then we have these massive blow ups - although to be fair the blow ups are a fairly new things and the self-harming has reduced. She did a pretty good job of sorting her room and DH is going to fix the bits she can't do today. Then hopefully a calm talk this evening.

Hope it goes well this evening x

Maybe the self harming reducing and the blow-ups taking their place is a good thing - her way of trying to express herself. It just needs controlling so she can tell you in a calm way instead of ranting. Hope it goes well this evening

Hope things have improved for you?