DDs 'best friend' destroying her confidence

[smbu]

I know this issue is as old as time but it's my DD & I really need advice from others who have gone through this. DD has had the same best friend since yr 1, was always a bit sneaky but nothing it. This year they've moved to a bigger grammar school & BF has really turned on DD. DD was put into a small class (language based) and they've all become very close so DD has a good few new friends. And as usual in these situations, DD has really blossomed over the year, looks wise etc while Best Friend has not yet. BF has not settled in well & seems to be taking it out on DD. telling her ridiculous stories I.e. Everyone thinks DD is fat, all the boys think she's a slut etc. Telling her that whatever outfit she puts on 'looks shit' I keep telling her that it's just BF being mean & possibly jealous of DDs new friends etc but at this point I'm thinking of intervening more (talking to BFs parents etc) as its really affecting her confidence. This is someone she's trusted completely since age 4. Any help, ideas, advice re how not to kick BF in the arse when I see her? I'm joking about the kicking!!

What a terrible thing for your DD Smbu, god girls can be horrendous, there's some awful stuff on this thread!

It's a wonder so called BF hasn't turned green yet isn't it?

Do you feel you know the parents well enough to speak to them rather than the school? Do you think they will listen? I am doubtful that is the best idea tbh. I would normally say approach the school first if it is taking place on their premises and it is a bullying issue, they should be made aware of it and taking steps to sort it out.

I remember DS first starting high school and going through a short period of horrible bullying, by older girls. I tried to explain that people often bully because they are jealous and insecure in themselves, it's hard for a child to grasp but if your daughter can grasp that it is the bully's problem and NOT hers ( and she IS NOT all those nasty things she's been called) then it might go a long way to helping her confidence in dealing with it.
Perhaps get some good advice on anti-bullying websites while you are waiting for school to start sorting it?

She's done well to make new friends and blossom, good luck to her and hope it all gets better soon OP

jealousy is a playground emotion and here it is in the playground.

teach your daughter the responses she needs and how to keep repeating them. The 'broken record' technique is really annoying but it should work in the playground (it doesn't work once everyone has been on the same leadership courses).

also have a word with the school (not the parents) as this is bullying.

and she needs to socialise with others, recognising she can't avoid this brat at school.

Could you not talk to the friend yourself in a friendly motherly way? If you know that the child is finding it hard to settle into her new school, then she is probably doing it as a reaction to her own insecurities.

I think I would handle it by inviting her round for tea and asking them both how they are getting on. You could then mention that your DD feels a bit upset that their relationship has changed and they are not as close. Maybe if your dd is confident enough, she could explain what comments are hurtful. Pulling her up in front of an adult might make her realise she's not being nice. Or you could say DD said sometimes some girls are mean and have said x, y, and z. Make out you don't know who said it but let her know how sad it's making DD.

If they are still good friends it might be enough to make her realise she's not being a good friend. If she continues after that then involve the school. But it sounds like this little girl is having a really hard time and just dealing with it the completely wrong way.

Thanks so much for all the replies. Some great advice there. Interestingly DD was invited out today with her 'new friends' and has come back like a different person. (We're in Ireland so already on summer break!) She said that she told some of the group what was happening & they all really supported her & told her everything BF had been telling her was a load of nonsense. That she is obviously jealous & basically just really reassured her that nobody was saying any of the things BF said.

Essentially all the stuff I had told her but when it came from her peers it obviously means more. She finished up by telling me that she's going to cut contact with BF as much as she can and if she notices & starts behaving like a friend again great & if she doesn't then it's no huge loss at this point. My faith in teenagers is restored!