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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Late nights/ curfews/ staying in touch

20 replies

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 17:02

Does anyone have any advice for me regarding teenagers and nights out?
DD is 18 and will go out for the evening and then not answer texts until she either asks for collecting from the last tube or texts from a taxi.
On one hand I'm very happy that she wants to come home every night but on the other hand not a dicky bird from going to school yesterday morning until a text saying 'in a cab' at 2 has left me absolutely shattered and stressed, and does so most weekends. Can anyone suggest a simple rule- text before midnight and once an hour after? Or way of helping her understand that it's not about trust, but responsible parenting that I should know where she is after, say 11.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

Original poster

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 17:05

She's travelling alone, btw. DD16 is usually with friends in the same street and home by midnight- she will also call for a lift but knowing she's with a friend coming the same way is much less stressful.

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Original poster

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 17:42

Any advice?!

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afreshstartplease · 14/02/2015 17:43

She's an adult....

Original poster

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 17:56

She is an adult, but at 1 in the morning when I've not heard from her I panic.

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afreshstartplease · 14/02/2015 17:57

I just think ywbu to ask her to text hourly from 11 onwards

Original poster

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 18:01

What do you suggest? Because just waiting for her to rock up is really stressing me out and that's damaging our relationship. I think the answer is probably for me to relax and trust her but as I said, it's not about trust, it's that she's travelling alone and I worry.

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welshpixie · 14/02/2015 18:15

I understand what you mean, when you have no idea what time they are coming home it is stressful. With my DD18 we have said there is no curfew any more, she is an adult after all, but it is only curtesy to let us know what time she is planning to be home. We have pointed out that if she was sharing a flat with someone else it would only be polite to let them know when she would be back and vice versa. Also we don't have a car so she has to get herself home, no late night lifts possible here.

Original poster

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 18:47

Sounds like a good plan welsh
I'll talk to DD

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ChillySundays · 14/02/2015 18:51

My DD19 doesn't drink, normally with boyfriend and has her own car. She does however work funny shifts. If she is going to be later than 10:30 she has to let us know. As has already been said it about courtesy. It is a worry if they are travelling alone.

It's not been long since she has started the shifts and we have now got a system whereby if it is going to be dark when she is leaving work she texts when she is leaving. She is not guaranteed to finish dead on time so this for our peace of mind.

It took her a while to get why we were doing it.

OP - perhaps you could say you don't care where she is (although we do really!) you just want to know she is ok. Maybe hourly texts are unreasonable but an clue to what time she will be home and a text if it changes.

circular · 14/02/2015 19:33

DD1 17 knows that if she's out without definite pick up time or lift home arranged in advance , she must call or text by 11pm to let me know how she is getting home or if she wants collecting. If she doesn't call, I will call her. So far I have never needed to, and never been askd to collect later than 12:30. I do find though, if I need to go out to collect, am often dropping off several others (boys mainly) whose parents don't seem to mind them making their own ways home.

3catsandcounting · 15/02/2015 11:20

Oh, I've had this scenario just last night/this morning!!!
DD17 went to a houseparty with friends; left at 7pm, with taxi money for home. I texted her at 1am to ask what time she was coming home, and has she got a key? "I don't know" was the answer!
Then nothing. I was lying awake, going through all the horrendous scenarios in my head, until 4am when she texted saying her phone had died and she's crashing on her friends sofa til morning.

I'm mightily pissed off with her. I've said numerous times, it's not that I don't trust her or I'm still treating her like a child; if my DH was on a night out and went off the radar for half the night, I'd worry about him too!
DD has had lots of emotional problems over the last year so I'm thrilled she's socialising; but she's also a very young 17 and we live rurally so it just makes things more complicated.

3catsandcounting · 15/02/2015 11:23

Sorry, Seriously! I gave you no advice there, just vented!!

Original poster

Seriouslyffs · 15/02/2015 13:03

Venting is good! I've had that exact scenario with both my daughters and it's absolutely draining. They seem to think that wanting to know where they are and when they're coming home = I think they're in a crackden in Peckham. I don't! I just want to go to bed knowing they'll get safely into a cab and I won't wake up at 3 not knowing where they are and too late to contact friends. You're having the shattered and cross day I had yesterday!

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fattymcfatfat · 15/02/2015 13:20

when I was sixteen I had to phone my mum if I wasnt coming home that night. and if I was I had to be in at midnight the reason I had to phone wss that anyone can send a text so she would worry some crazy stalker had got my phone and text so had to phone then she could hear my voice. once I was 18 though tuen I could do as i pleased, because I.had my own home.

youmakemydreams · 15/02/2015 13:27

When I stayed at home my parents always made the point that if they ever had to tell the police what time is been expected they wanted to have some idea of what to say. And that if I had gone off the radar totally if I'm in the habit of doing it then they don't know when to worry.
This was also in the days before mobile phones as well so it was call from a pay phone to let them know when/if I'd be home.
I think hourly texts is a bit much she is an adult but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a courtesy text by a certain time or else you will start contacting her for info.

Coconutty · 15/02/2015 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3catsandcounting · 15/02/2015 13:57

Absolutely Coco - I hear so many people saying how they love having teens as they're so much fun, etc; I think I missed the 'fun' bit and moved straight onto stress, worry, panic.
In my defence, we have no pavements, no bus route, and one streetlight along our road.
And I'm peri-menopausal!
DD just texted to say that she and her friends are busy making Peppa Pig cupcakes, and she'll be back "in a bit."

Mindgone · 15/02/2015 14:35

Tell her exactly how you feel, without making it too emotional, and ask her how to solve the problem. She might come up with a much better compromise than you!

notarehearsal · 15/02/2015 16:25

When my DD was that age and just starting to go out clubbing etc her and her friends would usually be getting ready to leave from here as we're the most central to the city. This was around the time I was attempting to get the younger teens indoors and me to bed! Our rules were, the girls had to stay together and walking home wasn't an option, it was always a taxi and usually a couple came back with DD. The clubs tend to close at around 2 ( I think) and I sort of half slept until she popped her head around my door to say she was home safely somewhere before 3am. It was never later unless she's text to say she was staying out. So.....I just knew if I hadn't heard anything by 3am there would have been a problem. God the anxiety of those days

3teenageboys · 15/02/2015 22:33

I downloaded an app called "find my friend" 2 of my sons agreed to use it. This was as a result of one of my sons going out clubbing with mates. He got separated from his friends and was absolutely p....d. he couldn't tell me where he was & I was driving around the town centre trying to find him. Eventually found him & got him home (4am!) This app is useful cos even if they don't get in touch I can see where they are. In fairness once they went to Uni I removed it but it was helpful when they'd partied in areas I wasn't familiar with as it helped me find them!!

It is a nightmare when they go of radar. Even though they are adults it's still difficult to stop worrying.

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