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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

not sure where to post this really worried about ds just gone away to college

19 replies

zippitippitoes · 15/10/2006 15:09

..he sounds really low and miserable and has had all his clothes stolen from a tumble drier in the launderette and says he hates it and wants to leave

I had trepidations about him going as i really thought on several levels he wouldn't cope

feeling very upset and depressed myself now

OP posts:

edam · 15/10/2006 15:11

sorry to hear that. Is there anything he enjoys about college? Is it the leaving home he struggles with, or making friends, or the course itself?

GhoulsToo · 15/10/2006 15:14

what a shame, no wonder you're feeling low zippi.

how long has he been there?

TillyRose · 15/10/2006 15:16

Which college is he at Zippitippitoes? Or maybe which area of the country? It does take a while to get settled.

busybusymum · 15/10/2006 15:16

Aww it must be awful for you.

A little story to chear you up(I hope) : I friend of mine had a "I hate it all here mum, not one likes me and i dont understand the tutors" type call and it kept her awake at night worrying so she decided to drive to her poor heartbroken child to offer support and comfort and had to sit outside his room for 4 hours waiting for him to come back from a party!

Seriously hope you can help him get settled.

Original poster

zippitippitoes · 15/10/2006 15:19

He's been there two weeks. He was a weekly boarder before but he is very much some one who doesn't like change..I don't think he could think ahead to what it would be like because he can't see things which haven;t happened yet if you see what i mean. He hates the food (no surprise he has food issues)and i think from what he says there is no one around this weekend..last weekend his girlfriend stayed there. I think he will struggle with the work too. He says he hates the place but is scared of his dad who has paid out for his accommodation for the year etc.

I said he could leave if he wanted just not sure whether I should be telling him to make a go of it or not

OP posts:

GhoulsToo · 15/10/2006 15:24

why not ask him to compromise and give say a month from now and then if he's really not that happy he can leave?

I know when I started a new job once I hated it and wanted to leave straight away but dh 'encouraged' me to give it a bit of time and after a few weeks I loved it (I was in my 30's too!)

tribpot · 15/10/2006 15:24

It's really hard - my mum's best friend's dd is at uni here in Leeds and she's having a pretty rough time just now. I know her mum is struggling to know what to say that will encourage her to stick with it without sounding unsupportive, if you know what I mean.

The first term can be a bit rubbish, but as friendships start to form it'll improve, and before you know it you won't be able to get hold of him for weeks on end

Original poster

zippitippitoes · 15/10/2006 15:29

I'm worried about him having to pay back the money for the fees to the lea if he leaves later..not that that is the most important thing

he is so hard to predict (or not as I didn't think he would like it)

he says it's totally dead at the moment, it is very small

OP posts:

saffy202 · 15/10/2006 15:39

Would it be an option to transfer to a college near to where you are?
This must happen regularly.

edam · 15/10/2006 15:43

I would seriously give it a chance- may well settle down over the next couple of weeks once it becomes more familiar. He won't be the only one who is feeling a bit lost and alone, even if the others are hiding it. Has he joined any clubs yet? That can help at the start when you don't know anyone.

BettyBatShapedSpaghetti · 15/10/2006 16:15

Could you arrange for family or friends to visit on the quiet weekends?

Or find out whats going on in the area that the college is in to see if theres anything he could get involved in (depending on his interests could be amateur theatre/sport/music etc).

Maybe ask him to give it a go until a set time (eg. Christmas ) in the hope that things might pick up by then (lots of parties and festive fun might sway his decision!)

ediemay · 15/10/2006 16:21

Oh, what a worry for you. If he is anywhere near Cardiff I have a lovely nephew in his second year there who I'm sure would meet up with him. Is he living in a hall? I think a lot of first years in halls go home at weekends during the first term, but hopefully this will change. Could he try another hall if there are any spaces? When I was at uni some halls were much more sociable than others. I really hope you get a happier phone call soon - must be awful for you.

Original poster

zippitippitoes · 15/10/2006 16:25

he is in gloucestershire..I have had a volatile time with him from babyhood and have been anxious about him going having got on to a kind of stabilised rocking boat with secondary school. He is just difficult and easily depressed..and i always feel down at the least thing

OP posts:

ediemay · 15/10/2006 16:28

I'm so sorry, I wish I could suggest something else to help. Is there any way that you could go and stay nearby for a few days and perhaps go out in the evenings with him? Will he get a halfterm/reading week soon?

Original poster

zippitippitoes · 15/10/2006 16:34

I did offer to drive down but he said no..it's only about 50 miles but a bit convoluted the train takes 3 hours.. i think hje is gutted at losing his clothes . I think it's abit isolated as he says there isn't a bus into town which is a couple of miles. I suggested he seek out the student union rep/counsellor and the admissions officer sho seems to deal with problems.

He is so all or nothing, something goes wrong and it's all downhill..

OP posts:

Philomena · 15/10/2006 16:36

Did he have a gap year? Both my DH and I feel that we'd have enjoyed/coped with university far better if we'd taken time out after sixth form.

I'm an August baby and found myself at university, aged just 18 with fellow students who were nearly 2 years older than me. They just seemed to have so much more confidence.

Still, I stuck at, DH didn't and neither of us look back with particularly fond memories - but it really wasn't that bad!

ilovecaboose · 15/10/2006 17:09

OFten the first few weeks or even first term away from home is difficult for quite a lot of students. Almost everything you know is turned upside down and everything is new. YOu can see it in the 1st year students at the moment - there are many looking upset most of the time, and talking about problems living with others, what a strain the work is and basically how it isn't as they expected and its quite a shock for them. YOu also see older students talking about how they didn't like the 1st year and how now they love it.

However it does tend to get a lot better after this.

Joining clubs and societies can help - makes it easier to make new friends and settle in.

I hope it does get better for him and it must be worrying for you, but I'd try and encourage him to stay for the first term at least.

Original poster

zippitippitoes · 16/10/2006 14:51

he has got his clothes back

I have tried to encourage him to speak to someone and also to go to the disabled officer (he has dyslexia/dyspraxia)

and told him that he is bound to feel overwhelmed but if he speaks to someonenow then he will have someone to talk to in future

and he is coming home at the weekend

i am wondering if his gf has split with him since last week but didn't like to ask

OP posts:

ediemay · 17/10/2006 16:26

I'm really glad he's got the clothes back and hope you have a good weekend

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