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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

School suspension - home punishment too?

21 replies

basildonbond · 18/12/2014 22:46

Ds(17) has been suspended from school for two and a half weeks for swearing at a teacher, making things worse for himself by using homophobic language

We are beyond furious with him and are pondering if there should be a home punishment as well. He has already lost Xbox (was on course to get it back at Xmas but that's not happening now...) and grounding him will have little effect as he rarely goes out anyway. WWYD?

OP posts:

thatsn0tmyname · 18/12/2014 22:51

Could he help out at a homeless shelter this holiday?

ouryve · 18/12/2014 22:52

At 17, it would be most appropriate to do some work with him on the absolute shit that some gay people are subjected to for it - and the fact that they're actually quite ordinary people.

bigbluestars · 18/12/2014 22:53

You punish a 17 yo?

Mrsmorton · 18/12/2014 22:55

Yes I agree, there are some awful stories out there about what people have had to put up with at the hands of bigots. I listened to a story about a Goth being beaten to death and how she was on life support etc. I had to stop my car so I could concentrate, it was incredibly poignant. I'm sure you could come up with something similar for him to read/listen to/work on if you think he would?
Hang in there!

Shadow1986 · 18/12/2014 22:56

I definitely would be punishing him at home. Isn't getting suspended from school pretty good for kids as means they get days off!!
Has he been asked to write a letter of apology yet? Does he have pocket money? If so, Could you make him donate some of his pocket money to charity as a gesture of a nicer way to treat people.

Or just don't buy him much for Christmas as punishment.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 18/12/2014 23:00

My 15 year old was suspended for a few days last week and I just involved him in a lot of housework......

Marina11 · 19/12/2014 10:33

Certainly, doing chores in the house, if he doesn't already and a spot of voluntary work. And, and I'm sure you've done this, a talk about the power of words to hurt, to maim, to cause huge upset and strife. Tell him that you'd be furious and deeply hurt if he were ever personally attacked in this way.

Does he understand the effect of what's he's done? I don't mean the suspension but the personal hurt his words no doubt caused someone else.
If he does, even if it's beginning to dawn on him, then can, somehow, the Christmas holiday mark a new beginning? So he goes back to school knowing full well - which I'm sure he does already - that you wouldn't for a second put up with him being insulted in any way and actually empowered. Empowered because he'll know more than he did before about the power of language and our responsibility to use it wisely and consequences for actions.

Hope you goes well.

SunnyBaudelaire · 19/12/2014 10:36

maybe stop treating him as a child and he will stop acting like one?

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 19/12/2014 11:13

Why would you not punish a 17yo if they do something wrong? How will the suspension work - is it coming off the beginning of next term? I'd definitely make sure that during school hours there's only school work or, as others have said, education into the issues surrounding homophobia and homophobic language. Do you know what prompted his issues with the teacher in the first place, as that should be addressed too and not buried under his reaction.

Claybury · 19/12/2014 11:18

It may depend on his attitude to having been suspended? Is he defiant or upset ?

When my DS has been in trouble at school I haven't 'punished' him but I have lectured him and tried to talk to him about what went wrong, what it might be like to be at teacher on the receiving end of swearing / bad behaviour etc. Also explaining that we have to learn to respect authority whether or not we wish to - in preparation for the work place etc. Try to make him understand these issues, rather than alienating and punishing.

Finola1step · 19/12/2014 11:20

He is 17. Talk to him about his opinions. I take from your post that he's already had the Xbox taken away for something else. He is too old to have his toys confiscated.

Talk to him. And then tell him he will need to use the time that he should have been at school (6th form?) usefully. Helping elderly neighbours by sweeping up the leaves in their garden? Keeping the pavements clear in case it gets icy and slippery. Running errands. For no pay.

He should also spend some time looking at website run by organisations such as Stonewall.

SunnyBaudelaire · 19/12/2014 11:23

"He is too old to have his toys confiscated"
exactly

dwarfrabbit · 19/12/2014 11:28

Ask each individual teacher for past papers and schedule 3hrs exam conditions every morning ( don't know if you're home) He'll probably go back to school more educated than when he left! If they don't , you can find them free on the net. But asking them shows that you are supporting school work.
And in the afternoons, you can get him fetching and carrying for meals on wheels as they'll be stretched at this time of the year.
Good luck OP, and it's not the end of the world for him, he's just messed up, and boys at that age can still be silly and awkward and say what they really don't mean.

specialsubject · 19/12/2014 12:16

he is clearly childish enough to hurl insults, so taking away the toys doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

YYY to making him WORK doing useful things for others. This pays back for the pain he has caused.

if he gets cold, mucky and uncomfortable - even better.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 19/12/2014 12:18

"He is too old to have his toys confiscated"

No he isn't. If he can not behave like an adult, he doesn't get treated like one.

Januaryjanice12 · 19/12/2014 14:38

I would make him try and realise how difficult it is to come out as gay and how homophobic language is a CRIME in this country. In year 7,8,9 I would expect homophobic comments as the kids are ignorant but not at 17

Original poster

basildonbond · 19/12/2014 14:44

Thanks for the ideas - will discuss with DH and ds. The Xbox confiscation was a last ditch attempt to get him to pass his exams by giving him the time to concentrate on his work as he had been failing spectacularly to organise his own time. He's very immature for 17 and unable to foresee consequences (borderline ADHD) and it was either that or let him fail which we didn't think would be fair on him in the long run. And it's worked to an extent in that he's turned his grades around in the last half term which makes his behaviour even more frustrating ... I would be only too happy to treat him as an adult - he doesn't yet want to behave like one

OP posts:

ILoveOnionRings · 19/12/2014 15:04

I have done the exam past papers to in the past (DS was Y10 then though). Usually 5 hours of lessons at school and left 5 hours worth of papers to be completed in that day - if he wanted to take all day and night then that was up to him but they had to be done.

He did drag his feet but then I said he was extending his exclusion himself as they all had to be done whether it took 3 days or 5 and even if the suspension had finished at school it would not be at home until they were all done.

I feel quite mean now but he never got excluded again.

bigbluestars · 19/12/2014 15:27

I would be horrified if my child grew up with a homophobic attitude- where does that come from OP?

I wouldn't punish, but then I don't do punishment.

Original poster

basildonbond · 19/12/2014 16:51

Well quite, bigblue, I am horrified - it doesn't come from me or DH but then i think that Ds takes delight in holding the opposite point of view ....

OP posts:

Finola1step · 19/12/2014 18:19

And if you said the sky was blue, he would say its green, just for the hell of it I suspect.

Might be worth him googling Stonewall and their information regarding homophobic hate crimes and homophobic hate incidents. You might find it useful to talk to them regarding advice and materials they can provide to support you in educating your son away from bigotry.

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