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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How can I say this without hurting her feelings?

33 replies

DollyDreamboat · 21/11/2014 23:03

My 17 year old dd is almost always with me. She gets up 5 mins later than me in the morning, and goes to bed 5 mins before me at night. I work full time and she's at college all day, but she rarely goes out and watches TV with me and DP during the evening.

I love her company, she makes me howl with laughter and we are very close - but I need some time off!

How can I say this to her without hurting her feelings? That's the last thing I want.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 21/11/2014 23:04

You go out

Why should she be the one to go out Confused

Get a life Wink

furcoatbigknickers · 21/11/2014 23:06

God i dunno ive all this to come

Nativity3 · 21/11/2014 23:06

Agree...Smile

Original poster
DollyDreamboat · 21/11/2014 23:08

Oh I dunno Laurie, cos I've been at work all day and I'm tired after looking after 4 kids and doing the chores? I do go out sometimes. But I reserve the right to sit on my arse in front of my own tv and chill out without having to talk all evening long!

OP posts:
Betrayedbutsurvived · 21/11/2014 23:09

Right, I'm off to bingo with Gladys. Don't be to late home, see you tomorrow.

FrontForward · 21/11/2014 23:11

I've had this scenario with one of mine. I know exactly where you are coming from. My advice is just let it go. DD went off to uni and my time is my own again. I'd hate her to feel that she wasn't wanted.

Original poster
DollyDreamboat · 21/11/2014 23:14

Precisely Front. I love her dearly but I don't get a minute to myself ever! Apart from when I go to bed and then I'm asleep in about 8 seconds Hmm

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 21/11/2014 23:15

If she's talking you need to practise suspended attention with a lot of hmm's

Don't feel you have to talk as much

zzzzz · 21/11/2014 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsbetterthanabox · 21/11/2014 23:38

If she's in the shared living area you can't ask her to go. Would you ask your partner to go to his room too so you are on your own?
I think you should go spend time in your room or go out don't force your child to sit up in her room alone because you don't want her about.

Original poster
DollyDreamboat · 21/11/2014 23:43

Oh dear me. It's not that I don't want her about! Are you joking? I love her to bits. I just don't know why she doesn't want her own space sometimes, she's an introvert like me, and really likes time alone.

Are you honestly suggesting that I should spend the evening in my room every night while my kids get the run of the living room?

I love my family. She is my pfb. But we all need a little space from each other occasionally, no?

OP posts:
SecretRed · 21/11/2014 23:49

Shurrup I'm watching this usually works in our house

WannaBe · 21/11/2014 23:54

If she wanted space you'd tell her to go to her room/ go out right? So it stands to reason that if you're the one who wants space then the onus is on you to find it. She's no longer a child you can send to bed.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 21/11/2014 23:54

My sister has this a bit....she just goes into her room and watches TV there. Doesn't stop her twenty something DD trying to get in with her! Grin

God. I've got two DDs and they're both practically up my bloody nose all day as it is! Wait till they're bigger! Shock

Heyho111 · 22/11/2014 09:32

I understand where you're coming from. I Call it being talked out. I love the hustle and bustle of the household but I have a saturation level I need a calm time just rotting in front of the TV for an hour.
At 17 they are turning adult but that 'muuuuum - where's the/how do I/ have you seen the .....' Is so ingrained in them they can't stop saying it.
I've worked out that at that age they still haven't got empathy fully developed. They still think we don't have the same needs.
When my d says I'm going to clean my car/ make a cake etc. my reply is ok, but can you do it completely without getting me involved. It's working slowly. Instead of automatically asking how/where etc she now has started to think first and ask if she doesn't know.
When in the sitting room sit in the chair so she can't be right next to you. Having floor space between you will help her not to talk to you as much without you saying anything. Like me, you love having her company, but having a relaxing hour makes it even more pleasurable.

GaryShitpeas · 22/11/2014 09:33

Aw I think it's sweet I always was my mums shadow too

itsbetterthanabox · 22/11/2014 10:19

Yes I am suggesting that op.
The living room is a shared area. Bedrooms are not. It's unfair to push someone out of a shared area. If you feel you want time alone that what bedrooms are for. No one is pushing you out you are choosing it.
You did answer my question, will you ask your partner to go away from the living room so you can have alone time?

Original poster
DollyDreamboat · 22/11/2014 13:03

I do regularly itsbetter! We have a night a week where he goes and sits in the man she's and watches the wrestling and I catch up on all my crappy reality tv Grin
But I'm still not alone because dd watches it with me!

OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 22/11/2014 13:17

What solution are you looking for then Dolly? You don't want to go out and you don't want to go to your room, so you want her to go out or go to her room? In which case you'll have to just tell her. Not sure there's a way of doing it without hurting her feelings though, sorry. 17 year olds are fairly sensitive in my opinion.

Riverland · 22/11/2014 13:23

She needs you. Otherwise she'd naturally be gravitating to her own space.

You don't need to talk a lot, or much, just be there. Being 17 is a vulnerable age for lots.

Soak in the bath with a book, it's what I do, then go for an early night, with tea and a book.

WineWineWine · 22/11/2014 13:57

You seem to expect something from her that you are not prepared to do yourself.
I understand your need for personal space, but I think you should be the one to go and find it for yourself, not expect her to read your mind and respond to your needs. She clearly doesn't have the same needs and enjoys spending her time with you.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 22/11/2014 14:08

Give her some chores to do, ask her to make a cup of tea.

Bowlersarm · 22/11/2014 14:22

I don't think there is any way to say what you want to say without hurting her feelings.

Isn't this the same in most households? The family watching the telly together.

Cerisier · 22/11/2014 16:19

I soak in the bath with a book when I want some peace and quiet too. Or I say I'm off for a shower but lie on my bed on MN.

I don't think you can send DD away from a shared area, you can say you're tired and want to watch the tv though.

itsbetterthanabox · 22/11/2014 16:59

So you have a tv in your room? That's where your dp watches wrestling yes? So can't you go watch tv up there.
I don't think hanging out in the living room is her clinging to you. It's just the place in the house people spend time.