DD1 off to London Uni in Sept.

[Sunbury1986]

Hi I'm new to this so be gentle. DD1 always been really super focused and gained an unconditional uni offer to the first choice uni. Accommodation sorted and all paid up. Finances organised so all should be great. We have had no hitches at all and feel we should be happy but it has hit us both this week like a freight train and we are struggling to stop being really emotional and ridiculously sentimental about being apart. DDH and DS are confused and cannot understand after all this time what the heck is wrong with us both. DD is fine about everything to do with the course and the place she is just worrying about missing us. Any advice? I've suggested we both keep mega busy to not dwell on things but even that is not really helping. FYI we are level headed practical sorts who can normally sort these things out. We can only consume so much

To be honest, they are home so much it's not like they have really moved out.

So she'll start end of September/early October then be back for a month at Christmas before you know it. Then maybe back for a reading week in January. Then it will be Easter - another month at home. Then term finishes end of May until end of September - 4 months.

It's kind of a limbo land for everyone.

Also, I think the build up to it is worse than the reality, the last few weeks leading up to them going. Once they've gone and everyone has settled into the new routine, you'll be fine.

Can you focus your effort on buying all the stuff she'll need and planning a last break/night out together to give her a good send-off?

Also, it will be nice having time just with your son on his own.

Thanks JeanSeberg, all totally sensible advice. She is keen to avoid coming home too often as she really really wants to live in London and this is a great way to do it. Agree once routine is back as in work for me and school for DS and DD is actually busy soaking up the course and life etc it will no bout be fine. Guess it seems such a shame to be spending the last few weeks together being so damned emotional and miserable. We are shopping for all the stuff she needs and she is busy with a PT job and she also runs a little online craft business which she works on most days. I'm messing things up a bit by trying to make everything special and our normal routine is out of kilter. I would normally hit the gym/ swim daily and I'm not as I keep thinking I should be here. I'm really keen for her to go as she is completely ready to move onto the next phase. DHSF very reserved character and not keen on too much emotion as it confuses him. DS brilliant and will miss her too but is practical and knows she wants to go. Am certain it will be fine think we have all just perhaps assumed because it's been plain sailing so far that we wouldn't get so emotional. It's London not Australia. Time for to clear our heads.

it seems such a shame to be spending the last few weeks together being so damned emotional and miserable

Absolutely spot on, there's almost two months to go yet... Try and enjoy it!

Agree the anticipation is worse! Our ds defintiely was homesick last year a lot but he loved it too. I missed him terribly for a few weeks and then he came home for 5 days which was lovely but I was happy for him to go back. Then home at xmas 5 weeks and then a weekend and easter and now home since June 5th until October! I love it now the quiet followed by the chaos. She will miss you but won't have much time and will be with people in teh same boat.

Spend some quality time together! My dd is also at uni in London and she really loves it, I miss her loads but at least these days we can text/Skype etc. I often wonder how my mum felt when I went to uni and she had no way of contacting me. I'd find that so hard.

Dottyaboutstripes Thankyou - she's already organised pt work near the uni with a view to being able to do extra shifts in the hols. We are happy her staying down there as her accommodation is 51 weeks. Guess we need to focus on enjoying the last weeks. She moves in 2nd week September . We are like two wrecks just now. Had lovely holiday recently yet now look like have been crying none stop. Must stop looking at old photos etc and thinking life was so rosy

Thanks for the virtual shake Everything is going to be fine I know. Deep down it's probably more about me realising my life's changing rapidly and I've not really prepared myself. Also missed out on what friends seem to be going through in that an unconditional offer to her first choice has meant results exams and the waiting game has not happened. It is all a bit too good to be true and being a cynic I am looking for the catch maybe? Reality is she has worked hard picked the right course and uni and got a well deserved place. Thanks to all the practical advice I just needed to hear it from someone, it's hard to discuss with friends who have DC awaiting results and then face either having not having a place. I do not want to moan to them as it sounds totally ridiculous to be in such a good place. Had some negative reactions to her getting the place which has made me step away from a few "friends" . I just don't get some people being jealous. You've all cheered me and DD up and we have agreed our self pity time is up and to get a grip together. It's been a tough year with a serious illness in the family and we really tougher that out without letting emotions take over, trying to stay positive for those involved. Perhaps this is just everything catching up.

London is well-connected for transport - could you plan to visit for a day in a month or so (to give her chance to settle in) to give yourself something to look forward to?

It sounds like the whole uni thing has come together perfectly

Thanks bigTillymint I've already sorted a trip down end of November. As we've unraveled all our thoughts we think DD is just forgetting how excited she was at the chance to apply to go to London and I'm realising I'm needing to face up to life without her for a bit. We get on really well and it's not a case of being glad to get rid of her. Stood on the scales last night and realised I've allowed myself to get fat in the process of seeing her off so up and off to the gym this morning to get some routine back.

OP, there are usually some good threads in Higher Education about DCs going off to uni. Helped me a lot when DD went to be able to share my miseries with other parents.

I read your message with great interest and a few thoughts did spring to mind while I read it. Although keeping busy can help distract you from the loss that you feel, it is not the solution. Have you tried contacting any support groups that could offer you emotional support? You might benefit a lot from some impartial support because they will be able to help you think of things that emotionally involved relatives can't.

Are you worried about the future or in fact grieving for her (now ended) childhood?

Hi Bonsoir. Yes I think even though I'm a sensible level headed Mum I am definitely grieving a little for what was a lovely childhood. But reality head on that childhood ended years ago and she and DS have been pretty easy going teenagers with their own lives for some time so I am romanticising things in my head somewhat! I know I need to get a grip so hence sat ready to head to gym with a new workout devised for me by DS. It's all not helped by what I think is the root of the problem in that DH is not a communicator and " cannot be doing with all this crying and emotion stuff". In hindsight perhaps my post should've been " Scared of being stuck with grumpy middle aged husband[big grin]

Thanks for all ideas BTW I'm amazed at the fact I pondered posting but again, husband would think it was a bit pathetic that "you need advice on stuff like this". I'll look in the other threads later for the uni advice etc. DD has come home with a T shirt emblazoned with her favourite phrase " Everything will be great".

You sound very reasonable to me! It is quite normal to feel nostalgic for your children's childhood and quite normal not to want to spend the future with a grumpy aging man! I find some middle-aged people increasingly scary - I'm 48 - as they get stuck in their ways and very tedious. Maybe you need to get your DH out of his comfort zone and zing him up a bit so you look forward to your life as a couple without DC?

I know several people where the shock of their relationship has been the actual issue Nothing can prepare you for that unless you make you as a couple a priority I am certain it is at the root of many people's worries.

If it helps both my DH and I are dreading our DS going to uni - if he gets the grades next week - but we have booked a 2 week holiday in November totally out of our comfort zone to Vietnam. Planning that is giving me something to look forward to after he leaves...... Not saying you have to go that far but planning something specific and non child related for after they leave seems to be a good idea.

Hi Kazzyv, thanks for your comment, what is nice is knowing I'm not alone feeling like this. We have got a trip planned in November to see her and she has been super proactive this week in investigating what's around were she is staying and she's amusingly chuffed that there is a massive Asda, Tk Maxx and retail park within walking distance with pretty much the same shops as are at our local retail park.Daft I know but bit of familiarity is good. She really really wants this and there was a point last year where she was being a little arsey about how where we live is so boring and small etc which did irritate me somewhat at the time. I'm just pleased she has now realised exactly what family means and home etc. She finishes her part time job on Tuesday and is heading off on Friday to see the accommodation properly, check out the GP and dentist etc so she's excited about that. Your absolutely right about doing something different and your holiday sounds fab. We have younger son doing his GCSEs this time round so can't really commit to anything like that but I am intending to get back in the gym/swim after work routine once she's gone. In the meantime we've about a month and she will be fine....as I will
P.s. I don't recall my parents having much to say about me leaving home

My DD left 2 years ago to go to London , didn't really intend it to be there but that is the best place for the course she wanted to do and she did fantastically well by getting in there .
It was hard at first , her 15 year old sister also had separation anxiety as her sister always was the buffer between her and us .
But as time had moved on things have fallen in to place .
London is a great place to have a child at uni - as people have mentioned its great to visit and I definitely got through the early stages by going down as often as my daughter thought appropriate . ( Tesco club card is a great help for rail vouchers to keep the cost down and London is often cheaper to get to than other places - a big plus )
I feel lots better about it now - time really does help and my DD2 and i now really enjoy our time together whereas i think it just frightened us before as DD1 is the most level headed out of us all .
My DH has always been away a lot which is why I think DD1 and I are so close .
I think Ill be a little more prepared emotionally when DD2 goes to uni .
It will be fine !

My son is going to Manchester university in 2 weeks. I feel very worried about it all. One minute I think it will all be fine and he will settle in, then I get all upset at the thought of him not being here. Is this normal?

Barneygog1 - Yes it will be fine. DD is now chomping at the bit to go and has also secured some volunteering work in her first week at an event locally, which also includes free hot meals and refreshments for the time she is working there. I'm still going to miss her but I think we've got past the separation anxiety bit as we know it's going to happen, we will deal with it. At the minute she is more concerned about how many elderly relatives who rarely venture to London are planning weekends and suggesting she be their tour guide. she already has 3 lots who have expressed great interest in doing this! I still have a few wobbles about her safety and missing her obviously but I have to put sensible head on and realise the reality in that she will prob be back home in 3 years - just as I have got myself used to her being away. I'd be worried if someone told me they didn't have doubts, worries or concerns about the whole situation. I'll also be eternally grateful to get my dining room back as it is full of "stuff".

Barneydog1 how did it all go? DD is fine in London and settled. Few homesick for her wobbles first week or so but really happy now. How's your situation worked? I don't get time to do mumsnet often so using some spare time this week. Always interested to see how things pan out.